If you’ve ever been in a relationship, whether you recognized it at the time or not, you’ve been a part of the shared funk. You’ve either received funk from your partner or you’ve shared with them some of your own. Most likely you’ve done a little of both. Your day starts off and things are going great when, suddenly, something happens with your partner and everything feels… funky. It could be as extreme as having a death in their family or as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever it is, suddenly, you feel anxious/bad/sad/mad, whatever. Now you have to deal with it.
The shared funk happens for a variety of reasons. Some of us are overly sensitive to other’s moods and some of us have partners who try to put their mood off on us so they don’t have to deal with it. The latter is a whole ‘nother bag of cats, which I may write about at some point. For the rest of us, well, let’s just say that we’re not sociopathic, thus, when someone we love is upset, we sense that and respond. It is how we respond/react that makes all the difference.
The thing is, we are all responsible for our own emotions. That said, logically, it would follow that just because someone we love is having a bad day it doesn’t mean that we need to have a bad day. You may even have a reason to be happy, like a promotion at work. When that happens, you want to be happy, and you are, but you don’t live in a bubble and you need/want to be there to support your partner. At this point, some of us would get mad, because we want to celebrate and our partners are all bummed out! Then we get all “WTF! Get with the program! Don’t ruin this for me!” Oops… Here’s the reality, they didn’t ruin anything. They need to feel their emotions just as you do. You may feel get angry about it. You may feel hurt. You may feel both. But adding to their angst by inappropriately expressing your anger through yelling or name-calling is counterproductive. We don’t control what we feel. So, to clarify, we are responsible for the actions we take when we feel our emotions.
Here’s another secret, you can feel more than one feeling at a time. So when you’re happy and your partner isn’t, although you may feel the anxiety or whatever is bothering them, also remember that you were happy before it started, so, hold on to that feeling. Hold on to the happy! It may be the thing that your partner needs to help pull them out of their funk.
I think it’s hardest for me when my partner is just having an off day and is grumpy for no particular reason. That can be harder to deal with because it’s more subtle. To be honest, I get anxious when my partner is having a bad day. I know that anxiety comes from my own insecurities. I want to know that they love me, that I haven’t royally fucked up and they simply haven’t mentioned it (yet). Since I know how I work, the first question I ask myself is “Did I screw up? Was I insensitive/rude or just a plain old asshole?” Since I’m pretty much perfect *cough, cough* I know that they’re just having a bad day so I need to sit with my anxiety.
And that’s exactly what it sounds like. I feel the anxiety, but don’t necessarily act on it. I tell myself “I’m ok. They’re ok. They’re just going through something.” Now, there is some reaching out and checking in with my partner. I’ll ask “Are you ok? Can I help?” Here’s the catch for a lot of people. If our partners say they’re ok, that we can’t help them, we need to leave it alone. If they lied, that’s their problem and they are the ones causing needless problems in the relationship. If they didn’t, then it’s up to us to give them what they need, and often that’s simply giving them space to process their own emotions. So that’s our job when they’re having a bad day. Check in with them and give them whatever they may need that we are able to provide, whether that is space, a hug, a box of donuts, or pulling up a cute kitten video on the internet.
Like I said earlier, I think giving space is the hardest thing to do for most people. We sense our partner’s pain and we want to soothe it. Or we feel like there is a gap between us and we want to close it. Either way, our partners are not responsible for our emotions. We are. So we need to find some way to manage our own anxiety. First, acknowledge that it is your anxiety. Then go read a book, play a game, workout. Whatever it is that soothes you, do it. Otherwise, you are adding to your partner’s already funky day instead of helping.