Tag: writing

Posted on

Being Creative – 500 Words a Day – Day 30

Here we are, day 30. I commented on someone else’s post, today telling them they ARE a writer. Some how, today, I don’t “feel” like a writer. I’ve written stuff for 30 days, but I don’t feel like I’m a writer. Why is that? It’s weird, because I had a discussion with this young guy about 9 months ago, and I’ve brought it it with several people since then. I actually think I wrote about this already during this past 30 days. Ultimately, the idea is that we are what we think we are, tell ourselves we are, and say what we are. Or aren’t. So even though there are times when I don’t think I’m a writer, I still am. I write, I create. That’s another thing I always told myself, that I’m not creative. Bullshit! At least that’s what I’ve found. The more I have accepted that I am creative, the more creative I’ve found myself being, and wanting to be. How weird lol.

So I create. I write. I take photographs. Maybe someday I’ll get into ceramics again. Funny story, there. In high school I took a ceramics class and I loved it. I loved it so much I took the advanced class the next time it came around, that way I got to use the wheel. As I said, I loved it. Can I say that enough? Funny thing, I still didn’t feel like I was creative. But there was so much I loved about putting the time and effort into creating a ceramic piece, getting the clay, using the wheel, finding the right color glaze, often combining them to make different designs or colors. I think maybe why I never felt like a creative type, even then, was that I never felt I could create something good. I didn’t believe in myself. I’m mean my mom liked what I made, but she’s my mom. She HAS to like what I make, right? Then my teacher liked one pot I made. He told me he wanted me to enter it into the art contest where they would display different types of art and kids would vote on it. I said no way, I wasn’t entering some stupid art contest. I may have told him something to the effect that it wasn’t any good anyway. He told it was and that I should enter it. I said no way again. He said I could either enter the contest or I could fail the class. Um, OK. Guess I’m entering the art contest. I didn’t win. I wasn’t surprised. But I was surprised that I got 4th out of all the other art projects. The cynical part of me wants to say, there must have been only four entries. Realistically, I know there were more than that. How many? I’m not sure. But I know there were more than four. Thinking back, I’m pretty proud of that pot, I mean, it was a cool pot. I wonder if my mom still has it?

Posted on

Angst – 500 Words a Day – Day 24

Wow, the days are rolling by and almost to day 30, so crazy. It’s seemed like  a long 24 days so far, but there is less than a week to go. Yay! And from what I read earlier, there may be another experiment on the horizon. All good. I like to be challenged in life, and I appreciate those who, respectfully, challenge me to become better. I say respectfully because if someone straight out challenges me and is a dick about it, then I’m most likely to ignore them, tell them to go to hell, think they’re stupid, take your pick really. I just don’t get along with those kind of people. That said, I’m feeling angsty today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe Mercury is in retrograde, maybe it’s just my turn. Just in general I don’t know. Which is weird, because I’m usually  fairly in tune with my feelings. I do feel like I need some alone time. Some time to chill and recharge. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how much of an introvert I really am. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, and once I did, I didn’t value it. Today, I can say that I tend towards the introverted side and I accept that. What’s more, I kinda like it. I think there is something to be said about embracing who you are. It’s quite freeing. For instance, the more I’ve accepted my introversion, the more I’ve felt free to act in ways that aren’t so introverted. It’s been a good ride. Over the past few weeks…ok months…I’ve been reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s been a really good read. It helped me understand more about myself, but also about introverts and our society. In general introverts have been devalued and that’s something that I’ve felt all my life, from school, to work, to my failed marriage.

IMG_0009

It’s kinda weird to see how much that has been part of my life and how I didn’t notice. For a long time I just thought I was quieter than many other people. At least in groups of people I didn’t know that well. When I get with people I do know and that I’m comfortable with, well, then I don’t stop talking. Oh well. How many words now???? 401. Wait. Is this not counting numbers? 407. Crap it doesn’t seem to be. Grrrr. I guess that’s good to know…

Anyhoo, just taking up space now, so feel free to stop reading. You’ll only miss the great revelation at the end. But that’s up to you…

I’ve got my son for the weekend. That’s aways cool. I remember the last weekend I had him, I felt so guilty to take the time out and write, and he was wondering how long I’d be. It was actually pretty tough to just get done. Now, I told him I had some writing to do and he was like, “OK.” End of story. It was pretty cool to experience. Maybe we’ve both grown…

Posted on

Who Knows? – 500 Words a Day – Day 23

It always seems to be 9:30 by the time I get around to do this. I guess that’s better than it was when I started and I was posting closer to midnight. When was that, again? Last week? lol Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can. I always seem to see someone post theirs about now, when I’m chilling, about ready for bed. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired today, but here I am anyway. I guess it’s good, but sheesh, it’s can be hard when you don’ want to. That’s not really true do, some part of me does want to to do this. I know that’s true because I’m doing it. The proof is in the pudding as they say. So I want to do it, why don’t I just accept it and do it with a glad heart? Instead of bitching and complaining about it. Ok, not really botching and complaining, but I’m not doing this with a glad/happy heart either. Just being honest. Is it enough that I’m doing it? That I’m getting stuff down  and putting it out there? Am I being too hard on myself, feeling that I should just magically start to feel like doing this, when I apparently didn’t before? That last part is interesting. I guess that I did feel that after a few days that I’d just naturally want to start doing it. That it would be great and cathartic and I’d be happily typing away. Well, I don’t. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. Which is what I know I wanted to teach myself. That is something I’m learning. To not to feel like doing something, and doing it in anyway because I recognize it’s important to me in the grand scheme of things. Will this hold true when the 30 days is up? I don’t know. I also had this romantic view that at the end of 30 days I’d be so in love with blogging that I’d continue it for another 30 days, and another. Right now, in this moment, fuck that. While I do reserve the right to change my mind, at the moment I don’t want to continue after the 30 days are up. I do want to continue to blog, don’t get me wrong, just not daily. I’d much rather blog weekly, take time to do research , and put out better content. Not that my rants aren’t awesome, cause they are lol. But ranting isn’t really why I started this blog in the first place. I will say that when I did star this blog I feared that I’d get 1-2 posts out and never look at it again. I feel like I’ve done that with stuff in the past, and I didn’t feel like that would happen. I’ve changed a lot from who I used to be, so I had more confidence in myself, but old fears do raise their heads form time to time. That being said, I’m stoked to have written as much as I have, and it’s gotten easier to share it with y’all. I’m not going to say what I’ve learned so far during this experiment, mostly because it’s not over, but also because I really don’t know. Some days it seems like a lot, and other days it seems like nada. Like today. Who knows??

Posted on

Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

Posted on

11:59 – 500 Words a Day – Day 16

11:29 PM. I have exactly 31 minutes to write 500 words and I really have no idea what to write. My puppy is staring at me from the floor with his half, chewed up rope wanting to play tug-o-war. I ignore him, I need to write. I need to come up with something. But what? The puppy has realized I’m ignoring him and upped the ante, the rope is now in my lap. I give in and throw the rope for him. He bounds after the rope and up onto my bed. At full speed. The comforter gets shoved back and I wonder if he’s ripped my sheets. Again.

No time to worry. It’s 11:32 now and I still have no idea what to write. I guess I could just post after midnight, but then technically it’s tomorrow and it won’t be 500 words a day. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I can split hairs at times. Besides, I already did that once. Shhhh….

So how did I get here, again? I was out at a friend’s place doing acroyoga. I know her place becomes a time suck. I always intend to leave at 10, but usually don’t get out until 11. Or 12. Ok, sometimes 1 am. This time it was better and I left at 10:45 because I knew I had to write 500 words tonight and post before midnight. 11:39.

The puppy is back. I try to ignore him again. Ok, not totally true. I picked up my phone to take a pic because 1) he’s cute 2) I can document it and use it for the blog post. Now I just have to think of how to get the damn thing off my phone and onto my computer so I can post it. Hope it turns out. I’m rushing a bit here if you hadn’t noticed. 11:41.

I usually take a good hour to get these things done. Between writing, editing, not like I do a whole lot of that, and finding a cool pic that I took because I don’t like using other people’s pics for some reason, it takes a while to get a post done. God, is that the most run on sentence I’ve written since 5th grade? I think so.

357 words down and 11:43. The puppy is now so close to me I can feel his hot breath moving the hairs on my leg. His rope is no where in sight, though, so I’m not really sure what he wants. Oh, he just went and got it, so now I know. All is right in the world.

Back to acro, because I have no idea what to write about. It’s a form of yoga I was introduced to a while ago, but didn’t start doing until a year ago. I was a little freaked out when I first saw it, but now I love it. It’s the only exercise I get. Not that it should be the only exercise, I seem to have become a little lazy, but that will change soon. I tend to go in ebb and flows, as I have written about, and I can feel the itch coming back to exercise. Maybe it’s the Chicago summer. Good chance of that. Then again, maybe I need to 30 days of exercise program. Who’s with me? 30 mins of exercise daily? Some form of cardio and body weight bearing exercise? Holy shit, 555 words and it’s 11:48. Where did that come from? Time to edit & post…

Posted on

Commitment – 500 Words a Day – Day 15

Commitment. What does that word actually mean? It’s kinda weird to think about, but it’s late, I’m tired, I know I need to get a good night’s sleep in order to get up in the morning and have a great day at work. Which is also going to be a draining day. But here I am, slaving away at the computer writing this tripe. So I guess you could say I’m committed.

I remember thinking about commitment a long time ago. I was in an unhappy marriage, but I stayed because I was committed. I thought, what other things are people committed to? The first two things that came to mind? Prison and mental hospitals. Guess that’s where I was at that time. Oh well.

By the way, I really was tempted to just write “f” 500 times again. I still might finish with that. Just saying’. And apparently I really like to say “just saying.'”

I was telling a friend earlier today that I have no idea how to date. I always seem to get it backwards. I meet someone I like, we talk, hook-up and eventually get around to going on a date. It’s not that we don’t get to to know each other along the way, but the technical “date” usually doesn’t happen for a few months. And, except for a brief stint into the online dating world, I’ve only asked one woman out on a date with the intention of getting to know her better.

Back to not knowing how to date. It’s weird, I know how to work on a relationship, crap, I’m a couples therapist, but the dating thing perplexes me. I remember thinking that I just wasn’t going to date anyone, that I’d just meet people and see if they wanted to hang out. I have this idea that’s the best way to do it. I don’t know. I do know that if I had to meet someone by going up to a complete stranger and asking them out on a date, then I’d be single for the rest of my life. That’s too much pressure for me. I’d just stand in front of the woman and be able to force about three words out before she called the cops to get the creepy guy away from her.

So I here I sit writing, about commitment, because I feel committed to write. I guess that works. I know when I write, I often try and do take aways, what have I learned. I haven’t done that a lot since I started the 500 words a day thing, but that’s ok. I do feel like the writing is getting easier, the commitment is getting stronger.

I started to listen to podcasts in the morning. My drive to work is fuck long and I finally got sick of my music. And I won’t listen to the drivel on the radio. So podcasts it is. I’ve listened to some really great ones in the past few days and I find it’s a good way to start my day. I suppose the next step would be to get up a little earlier to write in the morning so I’m not doing it at fucking midnight…

Posted on

Back at it

Sooo… Two days ago a friend asked me how often I blog. My initial response, which I didn’t actually say was, “not often enough.” I didn’t say it because it felt like a put down on myself and I try not to do that anymore. What I did say was that I tend to blog in spurts, i.e. when the mood suits me. This has been characteristic of my life, I often do what I want, when I want. On the one hand, I kind of like living that way. On the other, my rebellious side kicks in and things I “should” do, or actually need to do, often get pushed aside until I get around to them. The quote (and I have no idea who said it), “do the things you need to do when you need to do them, so you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them,” often comes to mind. That’s something I do believe and it’s time to make that change in my life.

Then, yesterday another friend posted on his blog, Kale & Cigarettes, about an experiment he has done and is planning to do again. Writing 500 words a day and then posting it for everyone to see, and doing it for 30 days.

I’m doing this for several reasons. I see how this guy lives life what he’s done in life, and I think it’s pretty cool. While I have my own life to live, I do understand that there are certain practices we can incorporate into our daily lives that can make them better, closer to what we want. Daily blogging isn’t something I ever set out to do, but I used to journal daily and the changes I went through back then were pretty amazing.

I’m also doing this because, as I said earlier, I often only do things when I want, not when I need to do them. I recognize that my rebelliousness has served me in life, it’s a part of me that will probably always be there and one that I’ve come to recognize and enjoy. However, I’ll admit it gets in the way. When I want to do something and I know it’s good for me, but I don’t because of sheer stubbornness, it’s a problem. In a spoken word, Henry Rollins once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Ruled by a plant, what  joke.” He was referring to drugs and alcohol but I think it applies to emotions and personality, as well. We all have them, it’s what makes us individuals, but we aren’t meant to be ruled by them.

I’m also hoping to become a better writer by doing this experiment. I’ve had many topics I’ve wanted to write about, but the “mood” just hasn’t hit me. One that I’ve tried to get out many times is living with depression, to try and explain what it’s like. I usually get about two paragraphs in and quit, it’s just too depressing, lol.

I guess I’m just looking to be a better person, a better man. I often fail miserably, but by making little steps in the right direction I hope I will eventually get there. So here is a little step that I hope will get me where I want to go. And in a salute to my rebelliousness, maybe I’ll only do 29 days. Or 60 days, who knows…