Tag: work

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Commitment – 500 Words a Day – Day 15

Commitment. What does that word actually mean? It’s kinda weird to think about, but it’s late, I’m tired, I know I need to get a good night’s sleep in order to get up in the morning and have a great day at work. Which is also going to be a draining day. But here I am, slaving away at the computer writing this tripe. So I guess you could say I’m committed.

I remember thinking about commitment a long time ago. I was in an unhappy marriage, but I stayed because I was committed. I thought, what other things are people committed to? The first two things that came to mind? Prison and mental hospitals. Guess that’s where I was at that time. Oh well.

By the way, I really was tempted to just write “f” 500 times again. I still might finish with that. Just saying’. And apparently I really like to say “just saying.'”

I was telling a friend earlier today that I have no idea how to date. I always seem to get it backwards. I meet someone I like, we talk, hook-up and eventually get around to going on a date. It’s not that we don’t get to to know each other along the way, but the technical “date” usually doesn’t happen for a few months. And, except for a brief stint into the online dating world, I’ve only asked one woman out on a date with the intention of getting to know her better.

Back to not knowing how to date. It’s weird, I know how to work on a relationship, crap, I’m a couples therapist, but the dating thing perplexes me. I remember thinking that I just wasn’t going to date anyone, that I’d just meet people and see if they wanted to hang out. I have this idea that’s the best way to do it. I don’t know. I do know that if I had to meet someone by going up to a complete stranger and asking them out on a date, then I’d be single for the rest of my life. That’s too much pressure for me. I’d just stand in front of the woman and be able to force about three words out before she called the cops to get the creepy guy away from her.

So I here I sit writing, about commitment, because I feel committed to write. I guess that works. I know when I write, I often try and do take aways, what have I learned. I haven’t done that a lot since I started the 500 words a day thing, but that’s ok. I do feel like the writing is getting easier, the commitment is getting stronger.

I started to listen to podcasts in the morning. My drive to work is fuck long and I finally got sick of my music. And I won’t listen to the drivel on the radio. So podcasts it is. I’ve listened to some really great ones in the past few days and I find it’s a good way to start my day. I suppose the next step would be to get up a little earlier to write in the morning so I’m not doing it at fucking midnight…

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Acceptance of Self – 500 Words a Day for 30 Days

Another day to write and blog. Another day of bullshit. And I wanted to capitalize the bullshit part. Not sure why. I can journal, I can blog, but I feel like I need to journal about something worthwhile, something earth shattering. What is it about me that wants to do that? That isn’t satisfied with less? It’s a judgement on myself, that’s for sure. Could that also be a self victimization? Possibly. It’s also a lack of self acceptance. To do something, and not be OK with doing it where you are at in life, is a lack of self acceptance. So what would radical self acceptance look like?? I have no idea. The idea sounds great, and I feel like I’ve been able to have some sort of self acceptance in my own life. But what does it mean to truly accept yourself for who you are? I’ve heard it said that the toughest thing in life is to discover who you truly are. And the next toughest is to accept that. I feel I understand that, and believe it. It’s been a tough journey to get where I’m at, but it’s been good one. Part of my journey has been being interrelationships with people who don’t accept me for who I am. Either I’m too nice, too passive, too old, or too what?? I don’t know, seems like there’s always something. In the end maybe too worried about not being in a relationship and accepted for who I am. Well, it’s been true so far, so I guess that’s not an unfounded fear. It does tell me something about myself, but I think that’s for another post. So where was I?? Acceptance. No judgement, but I realized that for the first four days of this experiment I titled everything a little different. Now that I’ve come up with a way that I like, my light OCD wants me to go back and “correct” the titles that I’ve done so far. Is that stronger than the “fuck it” part of my personality? Who knows? Looks like that’s TBD. And look at me, I wrote “TDB” instead of spelling it out. If I really wanted to use up words and have to write less I would have said “To be determined.” Ha! See what I did there? I knew I couldn’t get one over on you…

Soooooo, no idea where I’m t or where I’m going. I have realized that yoga hasn’t been a part of my life for the past few months. I don’t like that. I need yoga in my life for a variety of reasons. Which means I need to find a way to get start doing it again. Part of the reason is my job. I love the job but the commute I now have is an hour minimum, and two hours at the wort. So basically I spend 12 hours a week in my car. That fucking sucks for someone who feels live/work balance is extremely important. And that really cuts down on the workouts I would like to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still do acro yoga several times a week. It’s an awesome workout, but it’s not yoga, it’s not kickboxing. I love it, but I love, and need other things join my life. That’s an interesting thought. How do we make time in our schedules to do the things we love? I feel like I love so many things and I end up dabbling. I’m a jack of all trades, but master of none. In some respects I’m OK with that. I appreciate being interested in a lot of different things. I just wish I had time to do them all. How to figure that out…

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Dream Come True

I started a new job this week…as a therapist. It all seems so crazy to me, but in a good way. I’ve told a few people the complete story of how I got to this point, but here’s some of it.

I am currently 42 years old and my journey to becoming a therapist started back when I was 15 and a Sophomore in high school. At that time I was hospitalized for major depression and spent three months in a locked ward. Thinking back, I really appreciate the support I received from my parents. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, they really were there for me. They did their best to deal with a child they loved, who was highly suicidal. As a parent myself, I can’t even imagine what they must have gone through, what they thought, what they felt. It must have been scary as hell.

Along with my parents support, I was seeing a counselor. His name was Mike and I saw him from the time I was 15 until I was 18 or so. He accepted me for who I was, he challenged my ideas/beliefs without trying to “change” me. He is one of the major reasons why I am alive today. And because of his example, of how he influenced my life, I decided at the age of 16 that I also wanted to become a counselor. To be able to give back a little, follow in his footsteps and maybe, just maybe, help some other kids who are going through a tough time in life.

Flash forward 27 years. It’s been a long journey, but I’m here, I’m standing in my office (I have an office!). It’s almost shocking. And it seems so fragile. Like it’s gong to be taken away at any minute. I realize that I’ve been waiting for the past year or so for things to fall through. For the world to go, “Haha, that’s gonna to happen.” It started with graduating with my Masters degree. I really didn’t think I’d make it through that final year. Working full-time, school part-time, doing my practicum (another 10-15 hours per week), trying to write my Senior Paper (thesis), going through a divorce, being separated from my son, trying to get another relationship going (which was a both a source of great support and stress). It all seemed too much. But I went ahead anyway and held my breath until I was holding my diploma in my hand. I did it!

Then came the job search. Eight months of searching and only one call back. That was rough. But I firmly believe that things happen when they are supposed to, how they are supposed to. Not that we don’t have to do the work, but I simply believe that the world conspires to work for us, if we let it. I’ve just seen too many times how things end up working out, if not how we wanted them to, then the best way they could have. This belief gives me peace of mind when I might otherwise freak out. In any number of ways.

So, as I stand in my office I realize that I was self-sabatoging a little over the past couple weeks. I emailed several forms back to HR that ended up being blank (I swear they weren’t when I sent them…stupid ‘save’ button). I also somehow missed that I needed to get a background check before I started. Minor detail…

Fortunately, my employer has been great with these things. But it did get me thinking. I hear people talk about how it’s too late to pursue their dream. I don’t believe that. I think it’s exactly the right time, when you decide to do it. Maybe it won’t look precisely like you imagined it, but when you’re ready, it will unfold how it’s supposed to. And if you’re not ready, that’s ok, too. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it’s an uncomfortable place. My guess is that there’s probably a lesson you need to learn before you move on. And just a side note, even if that lesson involves another person in some way, it’s not about them. At all. It’s all about what’s going on inside of you.

So now what do I do about my little self-sabatoge??? Well, at least now I’m aware of it, that’s always the first step. For a while I’ll need to be more aware of what I’m doing to make sure I have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. And remember not to be complacent in what I do. For me, that’s when I get lazy. And, boy, can I get lazy.

I guess my question for you is, “Do you have a dream and are you following it?” If not, that’s ok, but are you at least doing something that you love? It doesn’t matter what it is, work, family, yoga, baking, being a parent, a lover, an artist, musician, athlete, or even taking time to knit or read a good book. Just pick something you love and do it. Whether or not you’re doing something you love (but especially if you’re not), remember to be kind to yourself. I don’t think many people have ever beat themselves into doing something. Instead, I believe these things come from loving ourselves. Learn to be kind to yourself, let yourself make mistakes, take care of yourself, be a little selfish (or self-ful, as the case may be). And when you’ve learned to love yourself (and do what you love), go share that love with others.