Tag: therapist

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Sick – 500 Words a Day – Day 29

Wow, is it really day 29? Only one more day to go. I wanted to skip today because I’ve been at home sick. On the other hand, I slept all day and find myself somewhat awake, so after spending 20 minutes on FB, I decided that I had to write today. It’s a weird feeling because I really don’t want to be doing this, but it seems more like habit than anything else at this point. Not that it’s a bad thing, just unusual. I really do feel like crap. Time for more EmergenC and zinc. Those are my go to’s when I feel bad. It usually gets me pst any feelings of sick in a day or so but right now, after a day in bed, I feel worse. I don’t get sick that often, my feeling is that in general I take care of myself, eating fairly well, with some slips, and working out regularly. I’ve noticed in the past that my depression creeps up when I get sick, or at least the feelings of sadness can creep up. I don’t feel that this time, but it’s happened enough in the past that I’ve wondered if some of my “sicknesses” have had a spiritual aspect to them. When I say that I mean if I’m depressed, am I more prone to being sick? Or do I simply not have the will to fight through being sick? I don’t really know about that, just thoughts that have crossed my mind. And I’ve noticed the pattern in others, too. Friends who seem to struggle with depression and isolating seem to get sick more frequently than those who don’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to be around me and tell me they are sick to get out of hanging out? Could be lol.

I do know that today I’m sick. And I can tell because I really wanted to do some acro at the beach tonight, followed by listening in on the Mumford and Sons concert at Montrose Beach. Instead, I’m laying in bed, sometimes freezing, sometimes sweating and typing this out. I’m definitely sick. And thirsty. I’ll be right back…

OK, one problem solved. But now I have not one, but two 65+ lb dogs on my bed vying for attention. It’s hard enough to type when one dog keeps dropping a rope in your lap to throw for them, but it’s almost impossible when another one has their head in your lap, too. I happen to love dogs, and it’s rare that Sarah, the other dog, comes up to visit. 417 words.

I’ve considered doing the prompt that was suggested back on day 13 or something. It was what would someone see if they looked through your window for 24 hours, but I’m still not sure. My rebel side says hell no, but it would be kind of fun, too. One more day to chime in, so I guess we’ll see if I’m up to it tomorrow. Hoping I won’t be sick, but right now laying in bed and sleeping sounds great. And I want to get over this sick thing ASAP, it’s my birthday Saturday 🙂

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Mish Mash – 500 Words a Day – Day 28

I’ve been looking for a supervisor so I can start in private practice for the past few months. It’s felt kinda slow going but I know that’s mainly me. I feel with all that’s going on in my life that I’ll have to forgive myself for it taking a little while longer than I’d like. I know it’s OK, and to not forgive myself will only lead to shaming myself, which I do not need. I also believe that things work out in their own time. We set things up and move in the direction we want, but if something is going to happen, then waiting for it to be right is better than jumping in and trying to force it.

Crap, I seem to be getting cold or virus or something. I literally haven’t finished a sentence without sneezing. Ugh. And I’m taking this side track to just jump around in my writing. I kinda felt I’d gone as far as I’d wanted to with that last bit and I’m not really feeling very philosophical at the moment.

Only two posts to go after this one. Seems weird. When you do something new, the first 30 days are always the hardest, and that 30 days seems to take forever. Then, if you keep up with it, it just gets easier. That’s not to say that I’m going to keep this up. I really have no idea if that’s true or not, we’ll just have to see how things play out.

God, why is it that every time I check how many words I’ve written it’s always 240-ish? It seems like it’d be so much more but never is. Then I keep on writing, hit my stride and blast past 500.

I bought a couple lottery tickets today. I keep on thinking to myself that I never win anything, and I rarely do. Then there are other people out there who think, “I always win stuff.” And they do. So I decided to change how I think. I’m going to start to think, say act, believe that I am lucky and that I do win things. We’ll see how that goes, cause soon I’m going to win the damn lottery, pay off all my debt and have a nice sum left over to buy a timber loft here in Chicago. There, it’s been said and will soon be published.

So, if I am sick tomorrow, the question is do I go into work? I want to say “yes” but that’s really hard to answer. One reason is that I do work with a lot of other people. Another is that a part of my job is to sit and talk to people. I wouldn’t want either group to come in and get me sick, and I don’t like the idea of being the person who gets them sick either. Already used the Zicam, love that stuff, and guess I’ll see how I am in the morning. Right now would just love a day to sit inside, rest and recover. So, I think I’ll either get better after sleeping or worse. Let’s go with better, positive thinking, right?

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Little Moments – 500 Words a Day – Day 26

My son tagged me in the nuts with a boomerang today. Now that I have your attention, I really have nothing else to say. Well, that’s not really true. I’ve been thinking about how much our life is made up of these little moments. We do remember the big things, like graduation, marriage, deaths, births and all that other crap. But really, what is life made of? It’s the small moments in between that are the bulk of our lives, and those are the ones that really matter. At least in my mind. Will my son remember if I’m at his kindergarten graduation? Maybe, maybe not. High school graduation? Much more likely. But is that as important as today, the day he tagged my in the nuts? In a way “yes” and in a way “no.” He may not remember today, since it will blend in with all the rest of the days and, quite frankly, it wasn’t caught on camera. I mean, if it had been, Americas Funniest Videos here we come. But it wasn’t, and I still feel like it was a great day. Funny isn’t it? In Jr High or High School I definitely would not have considered a day that I was tagged in the nuts as being one of the best days. But as an adult, with a son, it was good. I’ll also let you know that it wasn’t that bad of a tag, just good enough to get a laugh. You know what I mean, at least you guys do. I’m not sure if that’s something that a woman can really understand. I sometimes have trouble thinking about the time I get to spend with my son. I calculated it once and realized I get about 15% of time with my son, which means that when I am with him, it’s precious time spent. I’ve already turned down jobs that I could take because they wanted me to work on Sundays, meaning I’d get to spend less time with him. I’m not OK with that. Not too sure where this is going, but I do know that I treasure all the time I get with my son. Sometimes I feel more connected, sometimes less. Sometimes we do more stuff outside,  and sometimes we just hang around inside playing video games. In the end I know it’s really about spending time with him, and not just bull shit time. Back to little moments. How do you carve out little moments to spend with the people you love? Life can move by so fast that it can be hard to do so. Or you can mix up doing things together with actually spending quality time together. I remember a long time ago how a therapist pointed out that going to the gym with my significant other wasn’t necessarily spending quality time. In this case it was really more about checking stuff off our to do list. That’s not quality time and doesn’t add to the relationship. Then again, it’s really about the intent behind it. That’s what it boils down to. What is your intent in life?

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Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

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Time – 500 Words a Day – Day 9

I wish I had more time in my day/life. Though, in reality, I’m not sure that would help. I have a tendency to fill up my days with things I have to do rather than things I want to do. On the one hand, that kinda seems like what life is, and that I should simply accept that. On the other hand, I don’t accept it at all. I feel like there is a way to design my life so that I can do what I want when I want. That said, here’s a snap shot of a perfect day for me. I wrote most of this a few weeks ago as part of a business planning exercise. It’s a work in progress, and I think it will always be a work in progress. I know a year ago this would have looked much different. Actually, it looked different a few weeks ago since I went and changed some things today. That’s partly me because I change what I like/want. And partly because I know more about what’s possible.

To be honest, I kinda want to do a perfect week, because I don’t want to do the same thing day in, day out. I’ve done that for a long time now and I pretty much hate it. It feels like it’s slowly killing my soul. But I think I’ll have to get to that later. So here goes…

I wake up at …… a little after the sun rises. I meditate for a while and have some tea. Relaxing in my loft, I look out over the city. I walk 5 minutes with my dog, Remy, to my holistic health center, Revel Living, where I take one of the morning yoga classes. Tomorrow morning I’ll be going over details of the center with my partner, and planning the next weekend seminar at Revel’s retreat/organic farm in Michigan. We’ll also discuss plans for the yearly retreat to San Diego.

This morning, however, is dedicated to writing for my blog. I’ll also  spend some time developing my curriculum for the 12 week couple’s series that starts next month. It’s about how to deepen trust and communication in a relationship.

I see clients in the afternoon, from about 1-6 today. This varies since I head out to the ‘burbs some days for dinner with my son. For today, I use several different techniques, some meditation and yoga, but I also pull out the kickboxing pads to use with one of my clients. I find he talks better when a good workout is added to the therapy session. Remy also comes in handy today, as he works his therapy dog magic with another client.

This evening I spend a couple hours working on the choreograph with my acro partner for our next performance. My evenings do vary. Sometimes I do Muay Thai workouts at the gym down the street. Other times I spend dinner with my son. I get to bed around ten, excited for what comes tomorrow. While I’m always excited for the next day, I especially am today because tomorrow is Friday and I always take Friday’s off.

 

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Almost Forgot – 500 Words a Day – Day 8

I did have something I wanted to write, I really did. But then I forgot about posting, got side tracked with stuff and here I am. More bull shit. I had a pretty good day today, a good day with clients. At least I felt that way, not sure how they felt. I do feel blessed when someone, who is essentially a stranger, will tell me their problems. They will let me know what’s going on with them when they don’t feel comfortable enough or safe enough to let their friends and family know. It makes me feel honored. And when one of them tells me they feel safe with me or that I ask them good questions, I feel even more blessed to be doing what I’m doing.

I think it’s funny that I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I was in high school. I know I had such a hard time and really did want to die at one point. I thought that if I could help just one person not have to go through what I did, then it would be worth it. I like to think that’s happened, I don’t really know for sure. There’s a part of me that intellectually knows that I have helped some people in my life, whether clients or friends. But there’s that other part of me that doubts. The part of me that needs reassurance. The part that hopes people will read this and flood my comments section with, “Yes, Mark! You helped me. You made a difference in my life!”

I don’t know what it is about me that needs that reassurance. I’d like to think that I’m OK just being myself and taking subtle cues from others. Like when they thank me for my advice. And I suppose that is enough, but my ego still wants more.

Weird, I just remember what I wanted to write about and that was relationships and the women who have been in my life. Or even about dating, which is so weird when you’re in you’re 40’s. Just sayin’. But I am going to keep all that for another time. Right now I’m just taking up space.

Stream of thought writing, Oooo, shiny….

I guess even though I like to feel I’m strong, I don’t feel that way a lot. I have doubts, I have weaknesses. I used to be so afraid of people, and I still have trouble talking to people I don’t know. But in my past, in my fear, I used to put off a vibe. When I realized what kind of vibe I was putting off, solely because I was afraid, I labeled it. I had my, “Fuck you, leave me alone,” sign. It was an invisible sign, but the effect was the same. People left me alone. They still do, even though it’s not as bad. But, in general, people don’t talk to me. Or at least they don’t start conversations with me. I try to be aware of it, but it was such a part of me for so long I don’t often know I have it up until it’s been there for a while. Every once in a while I’ll be in a great mood and people will randomly talk to me. It kind of startles me when they do, but when I’m in a good mood nothing can really change it.

So here’s another dichotomy in my life. I love people, I love to talk to people and help them with their problems. That’s even my job. But I’m pretty shy and I am not comfortable with someone until I get to know them. So, if you see me and I don’t say “hi,” no offense meant. I just have no idea what to say. Unless I really don’t like you, but that’s pretty rare…

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Practicing Handstands

I did my first handstand press up the other day. It’s something that I’ve been working on for the past 9 months, so I am estatic that it finally happened. Of course, with the way my mind works, there’s a lesson in there. But first things first. For those of you who don’t know, a handstand press is when you start from standing, place your hands on the floor in front of you and, without jumping, simply lift your legs over your head. “Simply,” right? Hah! It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do and for months my feet wouldn’t even leave the ground. And I consider myself to be in fairly good shape. I’d also like to say my feet went right up over my head into the perfect handstand. Hahahahaha, nope. The truth is, the moment my feet went over my head I freaked out, fell out of the handstand and almost landed on my face. It scared the hell out of me, mostly because I didn’t truly think it would happen. I’m still learning how to do a solid handstand, and yet I can now, apparently, press my feet over my head. Who knew? 

So, back to the lessons. The easy thing to talk about would be about perseverance, and it’s true you have to keep trying things in order to get better. And learning can be a slow process. I’ve been trying to do a handstand press since the first time I saw someone do one. It was so cool to see them just lift their feet over their head, and I wanted to do that, too. And I’ll admit it, there’s a bit of my ego involved with this. But I couldn’t do it. I tried and tried and tried. For months. I took and a handstand clinic to improve my handstand. Maybe two. Or three. But the best I could do was to lift my feet an inch or two off the ground. Even that was sooooo freaking hard. I gave up for a while. Stopped doing handstands every chance I got and what little gains I had made, I lost. Then a couple months ago I started trying again. My handstand improved. Still no press, but I’ve been been able to hold a handstand for about 8 seconds.

Then, last week, I was hanging out with one of my friends, who is an excellent yoga teacher, and the woman I’ve been seeing, who is also an incredible yoga teacher. The two of them both start playing with their handstand presses (because they both can) and they start talking about doing this one simple thing that I’ve never even heard about. Bending your knees. I’m amazed. I go off into a corner (because obviously I don’t want to be out in the open if I fail) and I try it. I do it! It wasn’t pretty, I didn’t hold it at all and I almost fell on my face. But I did it! I was amazed and happy! I turn to the woman I’ve been seeing and asked if she saw it. She said “yes.” I said, “I had no idea that bending your knees could help you do a press.” Her response?? “Well, yeah. It makes it so much easier. But why didn’t you tell me you wanted to do a press? I would have told you that months ago.” Oh…

I now realize that doing a handstand press seemed so far away from me that I never really tried it around the people who could help, let alone ask them for help. Even though it was something I REALLY wanted to do. It was always a far off “some day” goal. And I guess I felt a little silly for wanting to try it. I got in my own way because I didn’t believe enough in myself. And because of that, I stayed on the edge of being able to do something I really wanted to do. For months.

But that’s ok. I know how to do it now. Now there’s just more practice and getting better. And being ok with where I am in life, even when I get in my own way, is simply another practice I am incorporating in my life.

So, lessons learned 1) the things we want are often closer than we think 2) even if we think it’s a ridiculous goal, ask others for help. For that matter, surround yourself with people willing to help, not those who say it can’t be done. 3) this goes with #2, but always tell people what you’re doing. Bring it into the light.

As I’m writing these down, I realize that I’ve heard them many times before. So it’s clear I needed a reminder. That’s ok, too. I’m good with reminders. I’m just gonna keep on practicing. Practicing my handstand, practicing my handstand press, practicing life. Because that’s what life really is, practice.

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Dream Come True

I started a new job this week…as a therapist. It all seems so crazy to me, but in a good way. I’ve told a few people the complete story of how I got to this point, but here’s some of it.

I am currently 42 years old and my journey to becoming a therapist started back when I was 15 and a Sophomore in high school. At that time I was hospitalized for major depression and spent three months in a locked ward. Thinking back, I really appreciate the support I received from my parents. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, they really were there for me. They did their best to deal with a child they loved, who was highly suicidal. As a parent myself, I can’t even imagine what they must have gone through, what they thought, what they felt. It must have been scary as hell.

Along with my parents support, I was seeing a counselor. His name was Mike and I saw him from the time I was 15 until I was 18 or so. He accepted me for who I was, he challenged my ideas/beliefs without trying to “change” me. He is one of the major reasons why I am alive today. And because of his example, of how he influenced my life, I decided at the age of 16 that I also wanted to become a counselor. To be able to give back a little, follow in his footsteps and maybe, just maybe, help some other kids who are going through a tough time in life.

Flash forward 27 years. It’s been a long journey, but I’m here, I’m standing in my office (I have an office!). It’s almost shocking. And it seems so fragile. Like it’s gong to be taken away at any minute. I realize that I’ve been waiting for the past year or so for things to fall through. For the world to go, “Haha, that’s gonna to happen.” It started with graduating with my Masters degree. I really didn’t think I’d make it through that final year. Working full-time, school part-time, doing my practicum (another 10-15 hours per week), trying to write my Senior Paper (thesis), going through a divorce, being separated from my son, trying to get another relationship going (which was a both a source of great support and stress). It all seemed too much. But I went ahead anyway and held my breath until I was holding my diploma in my hand. I did it!

Then came the job search. Eight months of searching and only one call back. That was rough. But I firmly believe that things happen when they are supposed to, how they are supposed to. Not that we don’t have to do the work, but I simply believe that the world conspires to work for us, if we let it. I’ve just seen too many times how things end up working out, if not how we wanted them to, then the best way they could have. This belief gives me peace of mind when I might otherwise freak out. In any number of ways.

So, as I stand in my office I realize that I was self-sabatoging a little over the past couple weeks. I emailed several forms back to HR that ended up being blank (I swear they weren’t when I sent them…stupid ‘save’ button). I also somehow missed that I needed to get a background check before I started. Minor detail…

Fortunately, my employer has been great with these things. But it did get me thinking. I hear people talk about how it’s too late to pursue their dream. I don’t believe that. I think it’s exactly the right time, when you decide to do it. Maybe it won’t look precisely like you imagined it, but when you’re ready, it will unfold how it’s supposed to. And if you’re not ready, that’s ok, too. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it’s an uncomfortable place. My guess is that there’s probably a lesson you need to learn before you move on. And just a side note, even if that lesson involves another person in some way, it’s not about them. At all. It’s all about what’s going on inside of you.

So now what do I do about my little self-sabatoge??? Well, at least now I’m aware of it, that’s always the first step. For a while I’ll need to be more aware of what I’m doing to make sure I have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. And remember not to be complacent in what I do. For me, that’s when I get lazy. And, boy, can I get lazy.

I guess my question for you is, “Do you have a dream and are you following it?” If not, that’s ok, but are you at least doing something that you love? It doesn’t matter what it is, work, family, yoga, baking, being a parent, a lover, an artist, musician, athlete, or even taking time to knit or read a good book. Just pick something you love and do it. Whether or not you’re doing something you love (but especially if you’re not), remember to be kind to yourself. I don’t think many people have ever beat themselves into doing something. Instead, I believe these things come from loving ourselves. Learn to be kind to yourself, let yourself make mistakes, take care of yourself, be a little selfish (or self-ful, as the case may be). And when you’ve learned to love yourself (and do what you love), go share that love with others.