Tag: shame cycle

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Earthquakes and Fear

I’ve been thinking about all the devastation going on throughout the world today. Fires in California, floods in Louisiana, and the earthquake in Italy yesterday. I can only imagine the fear and loss that’s going through so many people’s lives right now. It made me think about how I’ve been on the outskirts of all of these types of natural disasters, but I’ve never really been impacted by them. What’s more, I’ve never been afraid of them. I’ve been in flooded streets, I’ve had wild fires come to within a mile of where I lived. I’ve felt earthquakes move the buildings I’m in and I’ve even seen tornadoes. I’ve heard people from the Midwest say they could never live in California because of the wild fires, that they were too scary. And I’ve heard people from California say they could never live in the Midwest because they felt the tornadoes were too scary. For some reason none of these things scare me.

I remember the first earthquake I was in. It was kinda comical because I was sitting on the john, at the time. Imagine if you were in a porta potty and someone came by and shoved it really hard. That’s what it felt like. My first thought was that a big truck had hit the apartment building. After it occurred to me how absurd that was, I realized I had just experienced an earthquake. I actually got excited because it was my first. I imagine my excitement would have been somewhat dulled had I ended up in a pile of rubble afterwards.

Though, in thinking about it, if I lived through a building falling down on me, I still don’t know that I would be fearful of future earthquakes. I look at physical danger, the danger that disasters offer, in a very practical way. Either it’s going to happen or it’s not going to happen. While I certainly wouldn’t seek it out, I figure if it’s my time to go, then it’s my time. Worrying isn’t going to change it. It’s much harder for me to take that practicality into other areas of my life. Areas like money, job security, relationships. That practical look on things doesn’t seem to exist for me in those areas. Maybe it’s because those are things I can’t see, they aren’t tangible. And my mind conjures the worst fears possible.

I think it also has something to do with how I view myself. When there is the possibility of some physical danger I just accept it, do what I need to to minimize any negative effects and move on. But I attach meaning to those other, intangible things that cause my anxiety. If I lose my job, don’t make enough money or a relationship fails, then I often feel like that’s personal failure and that I am somehow lacking. It’s bullshit, of course. But society has wrapped self-worth around success, whether in a career or relationship, in such a way that it’s hard to separate them. And then it brings around the shame cycle I’ve spoken about before. Like I said, it can be a tough thing to separate them, but it can be done.

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Loving Yourself

I received a writing prompt to write about a time you loved yourself. I like the prompt, but I’m going to change it into “when I began to love myself.” I think that when you learn to love yourself only one thing really changes… everything. Loving yourself is not some great big event, but a series of small events, little moments in time, in which you choose loving things for yourself.

My moments started with food. I’ve had a long history of food issues. When I was 15, I was diagnosed and treated for anorexia. It went along with my depression. Everything seemed so out of control, but there was one thing that I could control and that was when and how much I ate. And I often chose not to eat. I also had body dysmorphia, meaning that no matter how much, or how little, I weighed I thought I was overweight. After a while, I got over not eating and proceeded to go the other way. I started to eat too much and began to gain weight. For the next 20 years my weight would fluctuate 25 lbs or so in either direction.

Then, one day, as I drove past the same fast food restaurant for the third time, arguing with myself whether or not I should buy the double burger and fries, I thought “What is the most loving thing I could do for myself?” I realized at that point that buying fast food wasn’t being loving to my body…and more importantly, I realized I wanted to be loving to myself.

I know that it seems like a simple thing and, in a way, it is. But there are other things that went through my mind that day, and subsequent days when I made the same decision to love myself. One is realizing why I wanted the fast food. That day I was stressed, not hungry. I had learned to eat to cover stress because it made me forget about the stress, at least for a little while. I also knew I had other, healthier food choices that I could make. That day I chose to go to a vegan restaurant instead. Yes, I still ate my feelings, but it was arguably less harmful to my body. The important thing was that I came away feeling better about myself and my choice. I didn’t add any shame to my life because of my choices. And, to put it bluntly, the shame cycle is a bitch. You get stressed, you eat poorly to feel better. It works while you’re eating, but then you feel shame for what or how much you just ate. That shame adds more stress and you want to eat again. The trick to get out of that cycle is to remember you are not a bad person, even if you didn’t make the best choice. Perhaps another blog about that later.

So, loving yourself isn’t about making big changes. It’s about making small choices on a daily basis that make you feel better about yourself. A lot of mindfulness is required and, that alone, can take time to develop, but it’s worth it. Just remember, the next time you’re making a decision, ask yourself, “what is the most loving choice I can make for myself,” and make that one. Good luck : )