It always seems to be 9:30 by the time I get around to do this. I guess that’s better than it was when I started and I was posting closer to midnight. When was that, again? Last week? lol Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can. I always seem to see someone post theirs about now, when I’m chilling, about ready for bed. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired today, but here I am anyway. I guess it’s good, but sheesh, it’s can be hard when you don’ want to. That’s not really true do, some part of me does want to to do this. I know that’s true because I’m doing it. The proof is in the pudding as they say. So I want to do it, why don’t I just accept it and do it with a glad heart? Instead of bitching and complaining about it. Ok, not really botching and complaining, but I’m not doing this with a glad/happy heart either. Just being honest. Is it enough that I’m doing it? That I’m getting stuff down and putting it out there? Am I being too hard on myself, feeling that I should just magically start to feel like doing this, when I apparently didn’t before? That last part is interesting. I guess that I did feel that after a few days that I’d just naturally want to start doing it. That it would be great and cathartic and I’d be happily typing away. Well, I don’t. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. Which is what I know I wanted to teach myself. That is something I’m learning. To not to feel like doing something, and doing it in anyway because I recognize it’s important to me in the grand scheme of things. Will this hold true when the 30 days is up? I don’t know. I also had this romantic view that at the end of 30 days I’d be so in love with blogging that I’d continue it for another 30 days, and another. Right now, in this moment, fuck that. While I do reserve the right to change my mind, at the moment I don’t want to continue after the 30 days are up. I do want to continue to blog, don’t get me wrong, just not daily. I’d much rather blog weekly, take time to do research , and put out better content. Not that my rants aren’t awesome, cause they are lol. But ranting isn’t really why I started this blog in the first place. I will say that when I did star this blog I feared that I’d get 1-2 posts out and never look at it again. I feel like I’ve done that with stuff in the past, and I didn’t feel like that would happen. I’ve changed a lot from who I used to be, so I had more confidence in myself, but old fears do raise their heads form time to time. That being said, I’m stoked to have written as much as I have, and it’s gotten easier to share it with y’all. I’m not going to say what I’ve learned so far during this experiment, mostly because it’s not over, but also because I really don’t know. Some days it seems like a lot, and other days it seems like nada. Like today. Who knows??
Inspiration – 500 Words a Day – Day 11
Inspiration. What is it? Where does it come from? How do we inspire others? How do we inspire ourselves? I was thinking about this last night as I was typing “f f f f” to meet my 500 word quota. And I don’t like the word quota because it implies this writing is something I “have” to do, and I don’t find that very inspiring.
Back to the topic.
I was thinking about this topic because I wasn’t feeling very inspired when I was trying to write last night. I felt plenty inspired throughout the day and came up with several topics I wanted to write on, but then I sat down to write and…nothing. While I realize this experiment is all about writing even when you don’t feel like it, I’ve been getting frustrated because I’ve been inspired to write more. Let me explain that. I get inspired to write more often, several times a day actually, but I don’t have the time in my schedule to sit down at that moment and write. And that has happened for several days in a row now.
Even now. As I sit writing this, my son is watching TV. I don’t really have any issue with him watching TV, but I do feel a twist-your-guts-into-knots guilt that I’m not hanging with him. On the other hand, I also want to set an example for him to do what he loves, and to make time for doing what he loves. It’s a lesson I’m still struggling to learn and I’d like him to learn it earlier in life. Am I his inspiration? Or is he mine? Children can be funny like that. So can life.
I do know what I find inspiring. Words. Quotes that make me think about life in a positive way. Words that enlighten me. Pictures of people doing amazing things. Things that I only dream about, but also could see myself doing. Seems like a funny combination. What else? Beauty. A beautiful scene of nature. A picture of a beautiful woman. And a picture of a beautiful woman, doing amazing things, out in nature with some inspiring words on it? Well, that gets me all kinds of inspired.
That’s what this blog is really about. Inspiration. To inspire others the way others have inspired me. But I also want it to be real. I don’t travel the world. I no longer live near a beautiful beach. I’m not a great photographer.
And yet I still see beauty all around me. I try and document what I see. I try and get my thoughts out, because I do think about some great shit. So here I am, putting some writing out there. Inspiring? I don’t know, you’ll have to tell me. But I do know it’s honest and true.
I like that, too. I guess that’s another thing I find inspiring. People who can be honest about their lives. Those who are living lives that aren’t all beer and skittles, but who are still willing to share their lives, their struggles. That’s what life is all about, to be willing to live life through all our struggles. To share these struggles with others, to be able to say, “I went through this tough physical/emotional/mental time and I…lived.” To pass that message on to others who may be going through a similar time, who may be about to give up. That’s what inspiration is all about.
Practicing Handstands
I did my first handstand press up the other day. It’s something that I’ve been working on for the past 9 months, so I am estatic that it finally happened. Of course, with the way my mind works, there’s a lesson in there. But first things first. For those of you who don’t know, a handstand press is when you start from standing, place your hands on the floor in front of you and, without jumping, simply lift your legs over your head. “Simply,” right? Hah! It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do and for months my feet wouldn’t even leave the ground. And I consider myself to be in fairly good shape. I’d also like to say my feet went right up over my head into the perfect handstand. Hahahahaha, nope. The truth is, the moment my feet went over my head I freaked out, fell out of the handstand and almost landed on my face. It scared the hell out of me, mostly because I didn’t truly think it would happen. I’m still learning how to do a solid handstand, and yet I can now, apparently, press my feet over my head. Who knew?
So, back to the lessons. The easy thing to talk about would be about perseverance, and it’s true you have to keep trying things in order to get better. And learning can be a slow process. I’ve been trying to do a handstand press since the first time I saw someone do one. It was so cool to see them just lift their feet over their head, and I wanted to do that, too. And I’ll admit it, there’s a bit of my ego involved with this. But I couldn’t do it. I tried and tried and tried. For months. I took and a handstand clinic to improve my handstand. Maybe two. Or three. But the best I could do was to lift my feet an inch or two off the ground. Even that was sooooo freaking hard. I gave up for a while. Stopped doing handstands every chance I got and what little gains I had made, I lost. Then a couple months ago I started trying again. My handstand improved. Still no press, but I’ve been been able to hold a handstand for about 8 seconds.
Then, last week, I was hanging out with one of my friends, who is an excellent yoga teacher, and the woman I’ve been seeing, who is also an incredible yoga teacher. The two of them both start playing with their handstand presses (because they both can) and they start talking about doing this one simple thing that I’ve never even heard about. Bending your knees. I’m amazed. I go off into a corner (because obviously I don’t want to be out in the open if I fail) and I try it. I do it! It wasn’t pretty, I didn’t hold it at all and I almost fell on my face. But I did it! I was amazed and happy! I turn to the woman I’ve been seeing and asked if she saw it. She said “yes.” I said, “I had no idea that bending your knees could help you do a press.” Her response?? “Well, yeah. It makes it so much easier. But why didn’t you tell me you wanted to do a press? I would have told you that months ago.” Oh…
I now realize that doing a handstand press seemed so far away from me that I never really tried it around the people who could help, let alone ask them for help. Even though it was something I REALLY wanted to do. It was always a far off “some day” goal. And I guess I felt a little silly for wanting to try it. I got in my own way because I didn’t believe enough in myself. And because of that, I stayed on the edge of being able to do something I really wanted to do. For months.
But that’s ok. I know how to do it now. Now there’s just more practice and getting better. And being ok with where I am in life, even when I get in my own way, is simply another practice I am incorporating in my life.
So, lessons learned 1) the things we want are often closer than we think 2) even if we think it’s a ridiculous goal, ask others for help. For that matter, surround yourself with people willing to help, not those who say it can’t be done. 3) this goes with #2, but always tell people what you’re doing. Bring it into the light.
As I’m writing these down, I realize that I’ve heard them many times before. So it’s clear I needed a reminder. That’s ok, too. I’m good with reminders. I’m just gonna keep on practicing. Practicing my handstand, practicing my handstand press, practicing life. Because that’s what life really is, practice.
Dream Come True
I started a new job this week…as a therapist. It all seems so crazy to me, but in a good way. I’ve told a few people the complete story of how I got to this point, but here’s some of it.
I am currently 42 years old and my journey to becoming a therapist started back when I was 15 and a Sophomore in high school. At that time I was hospitalized for major depression and spent three months in a locked ward. Thinking back, I really appreciate the support I received from my parents. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, they really were there for me. They did their best to deal with a child they loved, who was highly suicidal. As a parent myself, I can’t even imagine what they must have gone through, what they thought, what they felt. It must have been scary as hell.
Along with my parents support, I was seeing a counselor. His name was Mike and I saw him from the time I was 15 until I was 18 or so. He accepted me for who I was, he challenged my ideas/beliefs without trying to “change” me. He is one of the major reasons why I am alive today. And because of his example, of how he influenced my life, I decided at the age of 16 that I also wanted to become a counselor. To be able to give back a little, follow in his footsteps and maybe, just maybe, help some other kids who are going through a tough time in life.
Flash forward 27 years. It’s been a long journey, but I’m here, I’m standing in my office (I have an office!). It’s almost shocking. And it seems so fragile. Like it’s gong to be taken away at any minute. I realize that I’ve been waiting for the past year or so for things to fall through. For the world to go, “Haha, that’s gonna to happen.” It started with graduating with my Masters degree. I really didn’t think I’d make it through that final year. Working full-time, school part-time, doing my practicum (another 10-15 hours per week), trying to write my Senior Paper (thesis), going through a divorce, being separated from my son, trying to get another relationship going (which was a both a source of great support and stress). It all seemed too much. But I went ahead anyway and held my breath until I was holding my diploma in my hand. I did it!
Then came the job search. Eight months of searching and only one call back. That was rough. But I firmly believe that things happen when they are supposed to, how they are supposed to. Not that we don’t have to do the work, but I simply believe that the world conspires to work for us, if we let it. I’ve just seen too many times how things end up working out, if not how we wanted them to, then the best way they could have. This belief gives me peace of mind when I might otherwise freak out. In any number of ways.
So, as I stand in my office I realize that I was self-sabatoging a little over the past couple weeks. I emailed several forms back to HR that ended up being blank (I swear they weren’t when I sent them…stupid ‘save’ button). I also somehow missed that I needed to get a background check before I started. Minor detail…
Fortunately, my employer has been great with these things. But it did get me thinking. I hear people talk about how it’s too late to pursue their dream. I don’t believe that. I think it’s exactly the right time, when you decide to do it. Maybe it won’t look precisely like you imagined it, but when you’re ready, it will unfold how it’s supposed to. And if you’re not ready, that’s ok, too. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, even if it’s an uncomfortable place. My guess is that there’s probably a lesson you need to learn before you move on. And just a side note, even if that lesson involves another person in some way, it’s not about them. At all. It’s all about what’s going on inside of you.
So now what do I do about my little self-sabatoge??? Well, at least now I’m aware of it, that’s always the first step. For a while I’ll need to be more aware of what I’m doing to make sure I have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. And remember not to be complacent in what I do. For me, that’s when I get lazy. And, boy, can I get lazy.
I guess my question for you is, “Do you have a dream and are you following it?” If not, that’s ok, but are you at least doing something that you love? It doesn’t matter what it is, work, family, yoga, baking, being a parent, a lover, an artist, musician, athlete, or even taking time to knit or read a good book. Just pick something you love and do it. Whether or not you’re doing something you love (but especially if you’re not), remember to be kind to yourself. I don’t think many people have ever beat themselves into doing something. Instead, I believe these things come from loving ourselves. Learn to be kind to yourself, let yourself make mistakes, take care of yourself, be a little selfish (or self-ful, as the case may be). And when you’ve learned to love yourself (and do what you love), go share that love with others.