Tag: mental health

Posted on

The Funk

I wish this blog were about “Da funk”, it sounds a lot more fun. But instead it’s about emotion and how we all (ok, how “I”) seem to feel out of sorts from time-to-time. I woke up this morning and had a great day, really. I went to a consulate to apply for my first visa out of the country, I was able to walk around downtown Chicago a bit, I rode the train in and out of the city, and I was able to spend time with my girlfriend doing all of that. There was really nothing that seemed to be bad about today, and yet I feel … I’m not sure how to describe it … Down, blue, out of sorts.

I know this happens every so often, I’ve talked about it before. Usually it’s a blue kinda feeling, but today it was just funk. I didn’t like it, but I also wasn’t sure what to do with its it other than ride it out. So I did. I went home, I took some time for myself and read. My girlfriend suggested we go to the movies and stop at World Market before-hand. I picked up some coffee that I absolutely LOVE, at 30% off I might add. I began to feel better. After dinner I felt so much better, and then I began to think.

I’m a big believer that our emotions must be felt and, if necessary, expressed. For me, I talk to friends a lot, I write here, and I journal. All these things are good ways for me to express how I feel. To let my emotion out of myself and not hold on to it. I held on to my emotions for years and all it got me was more of the same emotion. Once upon a time I had a therapist who asked me what would happen if I gave in to the sadness that I tried for so long to keep at bay. I told him I was afraid that if I gave into the sadness that it would never end. His response? I’ll never forget it … “If you don’t let it out, it never will end.”

That gave me food for thought. A lot of it. Today I try as best I can to just go with whatever emotion I feel. To spend some time and REALLY feel it. It’s a tough line to walk, I’m not gonna lie. It’s tough because there a re times when I just want to give in to the sadness or happiness. To just revel in it and forget about whatever else is going on in life. For instance, when I’m sad I sometimes just want to lay in bed all day, watch Netflix and eat pizza and ice cream. Or when I’m happy I want to spend all day with my friends playing in the park. Neither of those things are inherently bad, but you know what’s not there? Spending time working. Spending time doing things that fulfill me. In some ways they are about distraction. Heck, in many ways they are about distraction.

I know that there are type A personalities out there, those people who just want to, “get it done.” I’m not one of them. I’d rather chill out, relax and hang with my friends. I’ll admit it, I love doing that stuff. But in the end it’s not all that fulfilling. A quote I heard a long time ago was that, “Success is the continuous realization of a worthwhile dream.” That quote was by Dexter Yager, one of Amway’s greatest salespeople. That quote reminds me of what i want to do with my life. I want to inspire people. I want to help others feel better in life. I’ve said before, and I truly mean it, that if I can help one person not go through the crap that I have, if I can help one person improve their life, than I’ll have lived a worthwhile life.

So where does that leave me now? Yes, I’ve been in a funk today. But I don’t have to stay there. I can feel it and move on. For me, a type B personality, what’s the best way to move on? To do something for others. It helps take my focus off myself and it lifts my soul when I see others doing better. As with anything, you get whatever you focus on. if you focus on sadness, anxiety and depression, what do you get more of? Sadness, anxiety and depression. If you focus on love and service, what do you get? satisfaction and joy. That’s what I want to focus on, and that’s what I will focus on.

Posted on

Coming Apart at the Seams

There are days, days like today, where some moments I feel like the Grinch whose, “small heart grew three sizes that day.” Then a whipsaw runs through my heart and tears it into pieces… which once again grow. As those pieces grow, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams and I don’t know how I can possibly contain both the love and heartache that I feel. I want to somehow hold onto my Self, to be sheltered and safe. But I refuse to hold back my own growth. I want to be a better man, for me, for my son, but also because I am in love. I haven’t told her yet, I hesitated. I’m afraid. While I understand that fear can rip things apart, it’s tough to get those old wounds out of the way. I wish I could go back in time and meet this woman as the fresh-faced young man I was. I can’t, and that’s ok. Who I am now is a summary of those experiences. It’s made me who and what I am, hurts, joys, warts and all. So I hesitated, the moment was lost. Now I wait for the “right” time. When is that? Who the fuck knows? I don’t want it to be cheap and I don’t want it to be forced. That last one should be easy, there are so moments during a conversation with her that I feel love. She’s beautiful, inside and out. I know she’s not perfect, and she’s made it clear she’s difficult. Fact is, I haven’t really seen that side of her yet. I’m sure it’s true, shit who isn’t difficult from time to time? But the truth is, it’s been easy. At least easy with her.

I find I have to remind myself to get out of the way, to let it be easy and don’t complicate things. To know when I need to speak my truth, yet be aware when silence is best. Why is that so hard? As I’ve gotten older I’ve found it easier to find that line and I’m grateful to be able to see that growth in me. In the past, I’ve more often been in trouble for the things I don’t say, than the things I do say. That sometimes feels like a character flaw, but is it? Or is it simply my nature, to be more reserved? Let’s call it two sides of the same coin. That I’m naturally more reserved, but can quickly move into being shut down. My own version of “out of control” looks very controlled. It has taken me a lot to get to the point where I don’t shut down when things get tough/stressful in a relationship. I think that shutting down may be part of being an introvert. I need time to process and work things through on my own, without being bothered. I feel like the need I have to process things is accepted in this relationship, instead of just tolerated. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s a big one. Which is another reason for the love I feel.

The other side of what I currently feel comes from having made the decision to find my dog a new home. It feels horrible, like I’ve failed him, like I’m a failure. Part of the feeling comes from a belief I held that there was no good reason to give an animal up, that once you welcomed them into your home they were your responsibility, your family. I guess the truth is I’ve judged people  who gave up their animals. And once I found myself in the position where I had to make the choice to find a new home for my dog, I began to judge myself. I still do think there are good reasons and bad reasons to give up an animal, but the truth is, you can’t judge a decision until you’ve been in the situation yourself. And never say never. Never is an absolute, like always. It’s funny that I see couples talk that way to each other, usually in frustration, “You never take out the trash,” or “You always nag me.” Those examples of not using never and always I can see, I can understand. It would appear there are other areas in life where you shouldn’t use never or always. At least, that’s what I’m learning.

While I don’t like to admit it, there is a part of me that has judged others. The funny thing about judgment is that if you judge others, you most likely also judge yourself. We are our own worst critics, right? But that’s a hard way to live, believe me. I’ve had a lot of practice in not judging, and I’ve gotten a lot better over the years. It’s hard not to judge. We see other people who are better looking, have better grades in school, make more money or have the “perfect” family. So we compare, and sometimes we judge. There is a difference, you know. You’re comparing if you can sit back and not be emotionally involved. It’s simply looking at facts. But when you tie emotion or worth to that comparison, it becomes judgment.

I’m not sure where judgment comes from, whether it’s inherent within us, part of our culture, or simply handed down from our parents. I do know that I see it a lot. I see it in our tabloids, I see it in our cultural race and gender arguments. I see it when someone types FOMO (fear of missing out). I don’t like it when I see it in myself, but I’ve always judged myself pretty harshly : ) What I do know is that I can work to make the world a better place simply by not judging myself. If I can accept myself as I am, I’ll be better able to accept others as they are.

When I started writing this, I’ll be honest and say I had no idea where it was going to go. I just knew I had these emotions within me, that I had something to say. It’s amazing to me how somethings come together, for it seems to me that with less judgment, there is room for more peace and love in my life. I’ll take it.

Posted on

First School Play

My son’s first play turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. As a matter of fact, I didn’t expect it to be hard at all, but it was emotional. To be there, so close, but still separated. My ex doesn’t want me around, she barely speaks to me unless necessary. So I’m sitting two rows back from my son as he plays with my ex, her mom, her brother and some other of her friends before the show. I’m alone and it’s painful to be near him, but not actually with him. But I’m here and willing to go through that pain because it’s not about me, it’s about him. My wonderful son. He’s awesome and adorable. I guess like anyone would describe their kids, but he’s mine so he’s special to me. I sit here with tears in my eyes. I can finally see why some divorced men would avoid this, it feels like failure. Like I’m failing to raise my son. I’m trying, but right now, in this moment, this is as far as I can get. I suppose I could force myself into the situation, but is it worth the hell I’ll get from my ex? I don’t know, because it will be hell. So I endure. I feel like there’s a bubble in my chest that’s about to burst, and if it does, the tears will flow. So I hold it together.

I watch my son jump into his mom’s lap and she gives him a raspberry on his cheek. He loves her and I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to take that relationship away from him, it’s important. At the same time I feel like part of that is being taken away from me.

Pain turns to anger. I feel like I’m being pushed to the sidelines of my son’s life. Is this what it’s going to be like as my son grows up? Always watching from the outside because his mom doesn’t want me near? I breathe through the anger. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m there for him when he needs me. I’m here, I’ve let him know. His need of emotional support is more important than my desire to not feel emotional pain. I’ve learned how to manage my emotions as an adult. Now is the time to help him, to be there for him. To the best of my ability I will ALWAYS be there for him. I can’t hold onto the anger. I won’t. It’s toxic. I have more important things/places to put my energy. Holding onto anger is toxic for me and I won’t live there. I will choose love. I will love my son, I will love my friends and family. To the best of my ability, I will even try to love my ex. That’s a tough one, but I’ll try. I’ll try because it’s not about me, it’s about a small child I chose to help bring into this world. My child. My son. I’ll do it because he’s worth it, and love is the answer.

My son’s part of the play ends. I’m so proud of him. He was singing so loud I could hear him over the other kids. I don’t know if I’m supposed to or not, but I’m proud of him all the same. I watch as my son runs back to his mom and gives her a hug. Then something amazing happens.

My son looks to the back and says, “Daddy? Dad? Where’s my dad?” I raise my voice over the crowd and say, “Right here, buddy!” He sees me and his face lights up. He runs the two rows back and gives me a big hug. I hug back and tell him he did a great job, that he should be proud of himself. He jumps into my lap, his back snuggled against my chest. I wrap my arms around him, letting my cheek rest softly against the top of his head and we watch some more of the play. This is why I come and sit through my own discomfort. If I weren’t able to shift through my own emotions, to deal with them in a healthy manner, I would have missed out on this moment.

Posted on

Back at it

Sooo… Two days ago a friend asked me how often I blog. My initial response, which I didn’t actually say was, “not often enough.” I didn’t say it because it felt like a put down on myself and I try not to do that anymore. What I did say was that I tend to blog in spurts, i.e. when the mood suits me. This has been characteristic of my life, I often do what I want, when I want. On the one hand, I kind of like living that way. On the other, my rebellious side kicks in and things I “should” do, or actually need to do, often get pushed aside until I get around to them. The quote (and I have no idea who said it), “do the things you need to do when you need to do them, so you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them,” often comes to mind. That’s something I do believe and it’s time to make that change in my life.

Then, yesterday another friend posted on his blog, Kale & Cigarettes, about an experiment he has done and is planning to do again. Writing 500 words a day and then posting it for everyone to see, and doing it for 30 days.

I’m doing this for several reasons. I see how this guy lives life what he’s done in life, and I think it’s pretty cool. While I have my own life to live, I do understand that there are certain practices we can incorporate into our daily lives that can make them better, closer to what we want. Daily blogging isn’t something I ever set out to do, but I used to journal daily and the changes I went through back then were pretty amazing.

I’m also doing this because, as I said earlier, I often only do things when I want, not when I need to do them. I recognize that my rebelliousness has served me in life, it’s a part of me that will probably always be there and one that I’ve come to recognize and enjoy. However, I’ll admit it gets in the way. When I want to do something and I know it’s good for me, but I don’t because of sheer stubbornness, it’s a problem. In a spoken word, Henry Rollins once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Ruled by a plant, what  joke.” He was referring to drugs and alcohol but I think it applies to emotions and personality, as well. We all have them, it’s what makes us individuals, but we aren’t meant to be ruled by them.

I’m also hoping to become a better writer by doing this experiment. I’ve had many topics I’ve wanted to write about, but the “mood” just hasn’t hit me. One that I’ve tried to get out many times is living with depression, to try and explain what it’s like. I usually get about two paragraphs in and quit, it’s just too depressing, lol.

I guess I’m just looking to be a better person, a better man. I often fail miserably, but by making little steps in the right direction I hope I will eventually get there. So here is a little step that I hope will get me where I want to go. And in a salute to my rebelliousness, maybe I’ll only do 29 days. Or 60 days, who knows…

Posted on

Adjust me…Please – A Letter to Yoga Teachers

Over the past 10+ years, I’ve taken a lot of yoga classes from many different teachers, and I’ve noticed teachers have different styles of adjustments.

Some won’t adjust you at all and just cue verbally, while others get a little too handsy. Some have firm, direct adjustments, while others give a light touch to the area they see needs to be corrected. I also know there are reasons both for and against physical adjustments; but, as the title suggests, I am in favor of being adjusted.

Here’s why:

In general, we live in a touch deprived world. This is especially true during a time when face-to-face communication is decreasing and more interaction is virtual. I’m not knocking virtual communication, I think it’s great and use it all the time. But I do think it can diminish physical interaction, which in turn effects us. Aside from this, I also have some personal reasons for wanting to be adjusted in yoga, which I’ll share because I don’t think I’m the only one.

Without going into detail, let’s just say that I carry some “emotional wounds” from my childhood and adolescence. These wounds have created within me a dichotomy where a part of me craves human contact. I love to be touched. I love to hug, get (and give) shoulder rubs and just in general be close to people. It’s one of the ways I feel loved and cared about. And I do want to take a moment to be clear, I’m not talking about sexual touch.

The dichotomy exists in the fact that I am also terrified of being touched. There was a time in my life where the last thing I wanted was for someone to touch me. It didn’t really matter who it was. Whenever I would meet someone who was overly touchy, my first thought was always, “What do you want from me?” This was usually followed by, “Leave me the fuck alone and quit fucking touching me.” This from someone who craves human touch. Like I said, I’ve got wounds.

These wounds of mine have gotten better over time. I’ve done a lot of work with a therapist, but I also realized that yoga was helping me. Specifically the adjustments. I found that receiving a non-sexual touch from someone who wants nothing more than to help me is very freeing. For me, it was the acceptance of that touch, which I didn’t always do.

There was a time that teachers would adjust me and I would scream in my head, “Get your fucking hands off me!” The memory of where I was mentally at that time actually brings tears to my eyes right now. But it’s a good thing. It’s good because I can recognize where I was then and where I’m at now.

Ask Permission to Touch Your Students

And that brings me to a point I want to make to you teachers. Ask permission to touch your students! I can’t emphasize that enough. I can almost guarantee that you have at least one student that doesn’t like to be touched. For that matter, personally introduce yourself to any students you don’t know. In my opinion it’s the right thing to do. It sets the tone of the instructor/student relationship and helps new students feel welcome and more at ease. This helps create a safe space for the student. You can then take that opportunity to ask if they are willing to be adjusted. Make adjustments an offer. Something they can refuse if they are not comfortable, for whatever reason.

Be Aware

Also be aware of what types of adjustments you give and to whom. Some adjustments can put your hands in pretty intimate places (you know which ones I’m talking about), and some can just feel more intimate than others. I remember the first time a teacher adjusted my Down Dog by laying on me, her front to my back. It was the first time I’d taken her class and I’d never had this done to me before. I’d never even seen it before. Now, I think it was a great adjustment. Both for the pose and at that point, I’d done enough healing that I wasn’t going to complain when an attractive woman pressed herself against me. So I’ll admit it, I enjoyed it. But it did throw me off mentally. And after it ended I spent the next few minutes of class looking around thinking, “What the hell was that? Is she adjusting other people like that? She adjusted that guy differently, what does it mean?”

In the end, save the more intimate adjustments for the students that you have known longer. Even then, communicate with them to make sure they are OK with what you are going to do.

I also ask that you try not to forget your students that are more advanced and have been around. I know I’ve been doing yoga for a while, that I’m good at listening to cues and self-adjusting; but, I’m not perfect. And, oh boy, can I be lazy.

I realized about a year ago that my hands are a little too far apart during Down Dog. Quite frankly, I was just too stubborn to change it myself. It seemed like too much work (did I mention I can be lazy?). And until recently, not one teacher that I’ve had has noticed, or if they did they never pointed it out. The fact is, I know I need someone to guide me at times, to notice when I’m not doing my best. Like a simple touch on my knee to remind me to keep that micro bend. This brings my awareness to an area that needs correction, helps me grow and makes me a better yogi.

I believe yoga has a great many healing benefits. Over time, I realized the gentle touch I received during yoga was one of the things that kept me coming back time after time. Allowing myself to receive a caring touch, from someone who clearly wanted nothing more from me, helped me along in the healing of my emotional wounds. As stated earlier, I know there are arguments for and against physical adjustments. But I believe that as long as you know how to safely adjust someone, explain what you are doing and why, and be respectful of the individual boundaries of your students, that your students will enjoy and benefit from being adjusted. And should you see me in class, feel free to adjust me.

– See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/adjust-please-letter-yoga-teachers/#sthash.Il266opl.dpuf

Posted on

Revel Life – 10 Steps to…What?

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of things about how to live your life in three easy steps and, to be honest, I’m getting sick of it. There’s no denying that at one time I thought lists were the greatest. All sorts of wisdom in one spot. Then I, too, could be rich if I followed these 10 easy steps. Or find my passion in five steps. Or find myself. Or get over someone.

This stuff is starting to bother me. Not because I intrinsically think they’re wrong, there’s some really good stuff there. But it bothers me because I feel they set people up to fail, or feel bad about themselves, if they don’t succeed in following the steps. Also, I don’t think life can be classified into easy steps. Life isn’t easy, and it isn’t neat. It’s messy, passionate…and beautiful.

First off, I’ve tried to follow steps before…three steps, five steps, 12 steps. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve searched for answers my entire life. I feel I’ve come close to so many things. I guess I’m a bit of a seeker that way. I’d try hard, so hard. And then, wait…what was step eight, again? Fuck. Gotta start over.

I suppose it’s not people’s fault for making lists. Many of us like to contain things, to classify them and put them in order. It gives us a sense of control and peace. But it’s an illusion. We don’t control anything, except ourselves, and many of us are so hindered by past hurts that we have trouble doing that. We react to life and flail wildly about trying to get things back under control again, back into order.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my life. As I write this, I’m going through a divorce, my son is 2000 miles away from me and has been for over two years since my ex and I separated. During those two years I worked full-time, finished my masters degree, met someone, fell in love, and then broke up because, well, some things can’t be overcome.

So, there is a lot of sadness in my life right now. And a lot of stress. So what are the five steps to fix it? What’s the easy, straight forward fix? I don’t think there is one, and that’s ok. Like I said, life is messy.

What keeps me going, what keeps me from killing myself, is beauty in the world, the love of my friends, yoga, meditation and some therapy. Almost sounds like

Posted on

Let It Go

I’ve been watching Disney’s Frozen a lot lately. Since I have a 5 year old, and it’s one of his favorite movies, it’s pretty much guaranteed that I’m going to see it again and again. And again. Don’t get me wrong, I love it as well, I’m just making the point that I’ve seen it enough times to really start thinking about it. And the therapist in me starts to process what’s going on…

The part that really started me thinking is a favorite scene of both my son and I. And I’m guessing, a favorite scene of many other people. The scene I’m referring to is where Elsa has just revealed her powers to everyone and retreated to the top of the mountain to be alone. It’s a huge turning point in the character’s life and I think the reason people like it so much is that most of us have either felt like that, or wished we could feel like that at one point or another in our lives.

Up to this point in her life Elsa has had a power in her that she feared. Understandably so, since she hurt her sister with it when they were kids. But this was compounded when her parents also began to fear her power, of what they saw inside her. How many of us have something inside that we feel we need to hide? How many of us fear our own capabilities? For good and bad? What is it inside of you that you are afraid to show others?

I think that Elsa’s parents really messed things up for her when she was young. They told her to “conceal, don’t feel,” and Elsa’s power was tied to her emotions. What her parents did was a fear reaction, a reaction that many parents, myself included, often take when dealing with their kids. I see it happen all the time, especially parents of little boys. You hear parents say to them, “Stop crying, this is nothing to be upset about,” or “Grow up, be a man.” There are a hundred different ways that parents teach their kids to fear or disregard their capabilities and emotions, but the general message is, “conceal, don’t feel.” What kids learn from this is to ignore what they feel or who they are inside. Unfortunately, these feelings don’t go away.

The reality is that whatever the child is feeling inside is important to them, even if the parents don’t understand or aren’t capable of helping their kids deal with it. Pushing feelings down or ignoring them creates a situation where the child never learns how to deal with their feelings. And if they don’t learn how to deal with them in a healthy way, these feelings will overflow and will likely come out in unhealthy ways. Maybe an uncontrollable temper. Or depression. Cutting. Sex addiction. Drug and alcohol abuse. You name it. If a child doesn’t learn how to deal with their feelings when they are young, if they don’t learn to accept themselves as they are, they most likely will be ruled by them later in life.

This isn’t really anyone’s fault. Too few people are taught this, and I truly believe that most parents raise their kids in the best way they know how. But the lack of education can have terrible results. Look at Elsa. Since she never learned how to deal with her powers when she was younger, as she grew up and her powers grew stronger, she couldn’t control them at all. She ended up plunging her kingdom into eternal winter and almost killed her sister. Again.

Her powers came out into the open and she retreated to the mountain. There, after years of hiding the power that was growing inside of her, she could finally be herself. In a way she was lucky that her power was exposed that way. For those of us who have a tendency to hide what’s inside, it’s a choice whether or not to reveal ourselves. Like Elsa, we are afraid that we’ll be rejected by those closest to us. That we won’t be accepted, or loved, for who we really are. Perhaps that we will forever be alone because of it.

Here’s the kicker. Unless we are willing to reveal those deepest secrets to someone, we will be alone. People can’t accept us as we are unless we’re willing to take the risk and reveal ourselves. That, my friends, is what intimacy really is. To know someone and be known. You have to be willing to take the risk. Just make sure it’s with someone who is safe. Not being allowed to feel our feelings when we are kids, not being allowed to learn how to accept ourselves as we are, is a form of victimization. To reveal yourself to someone who isn’t a safe person, someone that doesn’t treat you and your feelings with love and respect, is to open yourself to another victimization. But I can guarantee that there are people out there who want to get to know who you are. All of you. You just need to find them and take the leap, slowly. Conundrum, huh?

Something that Elsa didn’t see at first is that we can’t do this alone. She retreated to the mountain top to be free, and in a way she was. She was finally able to fully express herself, to be who she was meant to be. And Elsa loved it! This is something so many of us yearn to do. God, having the space to fully express who you know you are, without worrying about what other people think or will say. That’s an incredible feeling and there is freedom in that. But what happened to Elsa is that she traded the prison created for her by her parents, of “conceal, don’t feel,” for one of her own making. One where she was alone, at the top of her mountain, guarded by her giant snowman.

Even though she was “free,” she was still ruled by fear. She hid in her own way instead of the one decided for her by her parents. But don’t many of us do this with our feelings, with who we are? We retreat from others, we hide and we have our defenses that we won’t let people through. We pick and choose who we will let in to talk to us. It is important to be choosy, but look at why you do it. Many times it’s simply out of fear, fear of not being accepted for who and what we are. See, even though Elsa was “free,” she still didn’t believe that anyone would love her for who she was, and she feared the power within her. I’ve retreated in my own life. Sometimes mentally or emotionally. Sometimes physically, as Elsa did.

For most of us, this doesn’t work. First, it’s hard to be a hermit in today’s society. We have jobs and families that require our attention. Most of us need to interact with other people, in one way or another, in order to survive. Retreating just isn’t a possibility. Second, there’s a difference between being alone and isolating yourself. Elsa isolated herself. It was a way of dealing with her power, but it was fear driven. In contrast, when someone choses to be alone it can be a time of healing and growth. As someone who tends to be more introverted, I have come to realize that I need to make time to be alone. It’s simple self care and I am better able to be fully with others when I make time to do this.

Another reason is that I believe there are many things in life that are harder to learn if we are not in a relationship with someone, whether that’s family, friendship or a romantic relationship. For instance, it’s hard know what a healthy response is when someone you love is upset with you. It can be to control your feelings when you are confronted with that situation, especially for the first time. Look at Elsa again. What sparked everything off was what happened at the coronation party. Her sister was upset, demanded a response from Elsa and she couldn’t deal with it. It wasn’t until she was forced back to society that she found out her sister still loved her, and loved her enough to sacrifice herself for Elsa. An act of true love. All this despite Elsa’s fear of rejection. This acceptance by others helps Elsa to finally, fully, accept herself. This happened quickly for Elsa. For most of us, like myself, this process of self acceptance takes a lot longer.

Now a little about me and a way that I’m currently working on accepting myself for who I am, and that is in dating. I’m fairly introverted, and I’m also a little shy (these are different). Growing up I didn’t appreciate either of these qualities. I thought that I’d be so much better off if I were extroverted, if I were more bold. All that’s changing, slowly, as I begin to accept and appreciate myself for the person I am. So why do I mention dating?  Because right now when I do date, I have my own version of a mountain top with a guardian snowman, online dating (I’ll write more on that in another blog). But online dating is a way that I use to hide. It allows me to overcome the initial shyness and to ask someone out. And here’s an irony for you. Right now I’m sitting in a Starbucks writing this blog. I just looked up at the line and noticed that an attractive woman was checking me out. What do I do? I quickly look away. LOL. Oh well. Maybe next time.

So, for now, I’ll keep my guardian in place and date online. And I’ll work on accepting myself and who I am in this area, and simply be willing to come out of self imposed isolation. Translation, be aware the next time I’d like to ask someone out and decide whether or not I’m comfortable enough to do it. Starting off the answer will probably be “no”. But, as I become more aware of where I’m at and quit warring with myself for not being someone/something I’m not, then it becomes increasingly likely that the answer will be “yes”. Through this I can find my own way of asking someone out that works for me, a way that honors the man I am. In this way I “let go” of some of the baggage I carry in my life.

I will say that I have actually asked out one woman face-to-face. Yup, one lol. I found her to be beautiful and fascinating, and I wanted to know more. I was scared as hell, but I asked if she wanted to grab a beer sometime. Expecting a “no” I almost didn’t wait to hear her answer. As I moved towards the door, I was shocked when she said “yes.” So shocked that I pretty much just said, “Great, we’ll do that. Enjoy your night,” and walked out the door. To this day she’s really the only woman I’ve asked out face-to-face. That was about a year ago. Baby steps.

And so the question to you is, what messages do you carry from your childhood that no longer serve you? Is it something emotional? Or perhaps some part of your personality that you don’t like? Is there a part of what makes you “you” that you’re afraid to share? Sometimes you just need to take a breath and…let it go.