I’m leaning against the windows in terminal C at the Phoenix airport. The morning sun is pouring in and I can feel it’s warmth against my skin. It’s a little too warm, I begin to sweat. I don’t care. After a cold Chicago winter I feel like I need the sun. I feel it push past the physical boundaries of my body. That spark within me, the one that has been dimmed for far too long, begins to flare up. My soul begins to come alive.
Life Today – 500 Words a Day – Day 25
Hmmm, what to write today? I kinda feel like I’ve already opened with that line, but oh well. Had a good day with my son today, got a few minutes of acro in. All in all a good day. Oh, and saw a pretty cool thundershower roll by. I absolutely love thunderstorms, I’m not sure why. Maybe because I grew up in the midwest. Maybe because I just find them to be a beautiful display of mother nature. I do know that for the 11 years I spent in Sand Diego, thunderstorms were one of the things I missed the most. I mean San Diego does get rain, if not a lot, but they don’t get a lot of thunderstorms. I think I heard thunder about once a year while I was out there and I can only think of twice where the thunder was right over head. Also, last week I was sitting out on a rooftop in downtown Chicago and watched another storm roll in. You could watch the lightning getting closer and closer, as the rain slowly started to fall. It was definitely cool to kick back, drink a beer and just watch mother nature do her thing. I think I connected with nature in a totally different way when I lived in San Diego. There are so many things that I miss about it, but there are also so many things about Chicago that I missed when I lived out there. It feels like I have two homes, and maybe it always will. I know there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want a home, that would like to roam from place to place, see the world, to be free. Admittedly, in the past I’d have to say a big part of that desire came from escapism, but now…not so much. Now, I just think of the experiences to be had, the people to meet, the places to see. And some solitude as I move in between places. Is that still escapism? I don’t think so. And looking at it right now, maybe it wasn’t so much back then either. Maybe it was just what my soul cried out for and since I didn’t honor that part, I judged it for something that it wasn’t. I remember going to a Grateful Dead show one year, and I loved it. I already loved the music and the shows, but something really struck me that year. The way the Dead heads appeared to be like family to one another. The freedom it seemed like they had. The love and peace that I felt. I decided then that I wanted to follow them, that’s what I wanted to do with my life. For a few reasons, that never materialized, it just wasn’t my path. I think it’s very fitting that they are playing again this year, in a year where I feel like I’ve begun to get some of that peace and connection to nature back, some of what I felt all those years ago. Now, in no way do I want to follow them again, even if I could. There are too many other things I want to do in life that are important to me, not to mention my son. But it is food for thought.
Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22
Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so… I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.
Poetry – 500 Words a Day – Day 14
I wrote these a little over a year ago. Then I kept on changing and refining them, trying to get the words just right. I don’t know if that will ever happen, or if they will always be a work in progress. As I was driving home from dinner with my son tonight, I saw the moon rising in the distance, in all her luminous beauty and I was reminded of them. I’ve often thought about putting them out for the world to see, but the timing never seemed right. I did turn one into a spoken word at an open mic one night. It was easy because there was no one there who knew me. Well, not easy, but easier. Here you go.
Sunrise
It was just normal day. I never expected her to walk into that studio, into my life.
We were thrown together right away, so we had to interact, to talk.
Otherwise I could never have approached her, I’m too shy, too introverted.
I would continue to bump into her from time-to-time, never consistently.
During one of these chance encounters I looked at her from across the room, and saw her looking at me.
She smiled.
Her smile lit up the room. It was like watching the sunrise.
No. It was like watching every sunrise I’ve ever had the privilege to see, all at once.
All the pinks, oranges and yellows pushing back the darkness and playing among the clouds.
Her smile shown on me, and it made my world a little brighter.
I told a friend about her, and was encouraged to ask her out.
My response was to laugh and say, “No, you don’t date the sun, you just admire it from afar.”
This woman is not for me. I know this.
Truthfully, her beauty, her life, her light, scare me a bit.
You see, I’ve been burned in the past. It makes me want to turn my face away from her light, away from love.
And yet I have hope.
Hope that someday, somehow, we can be together. That I dare reach out towards her beautiful light and, perhaps, one day, even be the reason she smiles.
If that were to happen, my heart would join with the birds and sing every morning.
But until then, I will be content for that next chance encounter.
To see her smile one more time.
And watch the sunrise.
Sun & Moon
“Why do you love me?” she asked, in a demure voice.
This was my reply;
“For years I found myself chasing the sun, for the sun shines brightly and warms all who come in contact with her. As she hangs in the sky, her presence can’t be missed.
But you are not the sun, you are the moon. No less beautiful than the sun, but infinitely more graceful. Shrouded in mystery, you could know her for years and still not know all her secrets. You have to look for the moon, or you may miss her. She has many phases and moods, but she is always steady, always loving. There is a subtleness to the moon. Many are often not aware of her, and yet her simple presence moves the tides.
She is powerful, the moon is, yet unaware of how powerful she can be. Beauty. Grace. Love. Joy. These are the attributes I see in the moon, the attributes I see in you. This is why I love you.”
Talk to Me – 500 Words a Day – Day 13
People don’t talk to me. Or let me clarify, strangers don’t talk to me. They talk to the people I’m with when I’m out, but usually not to me. I think part of it is my, “Leave me the fuck alone sign,” that I used to carry around. I’ve written about it before, and no, it’s not a real sign. It was simply a fear of other people. It got to a point where I didn’t want to talk to them. I wanted them to leave me alone because I was shy and didn’t know what to say to them, so I put off the “leave me alone” vibe. And they did.
I’m also kind of shy, and can be a little naive. Oddly, I’m OK with that. If I had been less shy I think I would have gotten into more trouble when I was growing up. At least around women. Along with noting people didn’t talk to me, women don’t hit on me. People tend not to believe me when I say that, but I can think of less than a dozen times that women have hit on me. And really only 5 or 6 that were overt enough for me to notice. Like the time I spoke to a woman who had a shop at the local farmers market. After talking for a few minutes about life as she brewed some tea for me, she wrote her phone number on the back of her business card and handed it to me. I said thank you, grabbed my tea, smiled and walked away. At the time, I thought it was odd she didn’t have her business number printed on her cards, that it must be a pain to have to write it down all the time. It wasn’t until 5-10 minutes later I realized what had happened. Yep, I’m quick.
While that shyness was all encompassing when I was younger, I’ve mostly gotten over it. Now it only crops up when I’m around a woman I’m attracted to. Yay me.
Years ago someone told me he was nervous to talk to me when he first met me. This from a successful man about 10 years older than I. The reason he gave me for being nervous was that I didn’t talk that much, nor did I smile a lot. I’ll be honest, what he told me threw me off a little. I’ve never been the most out going person, I’m definitely more introverted, but I thought I was approachable. I thought I was approachable because I felt like a nice person on the inside, and who wouldn’t want to talk to a nice person? It was an eye opening experience.
In the end, that was a lesson of how people experience me. I try to smile more now, it’s simply another part of being self aware. I also try to laugh and joke with people, to try and put them at ease. Even when I’m too uncomfortable to talk, I try to smile more. To put off the happy-but-quiet-guy vibe. I think I do a good job of it. Then again, maybe they simply think I have no clue what’s going on. And they may be right…
Inspiration – 500 Words a Day – Day 11
Inspiration. What is it? Where does it come from? How do we inspire others? How do we inspire ourselves? I was thinking about this last night as I was typing “f f f f” to meet my 500 word quota. And I don’t like the word quota because it implies this writing is something I “have” to do, and I don’t find that very inspiring.
Back to the topic.
I was thinking about this topic because I wasn’t feeling very inspired when I was trying to write last night. I felt plenty inspired throughout the day and came up with several topics I wanted to write on, but then I sat down to write and…nothing. While I realize this experiment is all about writing even when you don’t feel like it, I’ve been getting frustrated because I’ve been inspired to write more. Let me explain that. I get inspired to write more often, several times a day actually, but I don’t have the time in my schedule to sit down at that moment and write. And that has happened for several days in a row now.
Even now. As I sit writing this, my son is watching TV. I don’t really have any issue with him watching TV, but I do feel a twist-your-guts-into-knots guilt that I’m not hanging with him. On the other hand, I also want to set an example for him to do what he loves, and to make time for doing what he loves. It’s a lesson I’m still struggling to learn and I’d like him to learn it earlier in life. Am I his inspiration? Or is he mine? Children can be funny like that. So can life.
I do know what I find inspiring. Words. Quotes that make me think about life in a positive way. Words that enlighten me. Pictures of people doing amazing things. Things that I only dream about, but also could see myself doing. Seems like a funny combination. What else? Beauty. A beautiful scene of nature. A picture of a beautiful woman. And a picture of a beautiful woman, doing amazing things, out in nature with some inspiring words on it? Well, that gets me all kinds of inspired.
That’s what this blog is really about. Inspiration. To inspire others the way others have inspired me. But I also want it to be real. I don’t travel the world. I no longer live near a beautiful beach. I’m not a great photographer.
And yet I still see beauty all around me. I try and document what I see. I try and get my thoughts out, because I do think about some great shit. So here I am, putting some writing out there. Inspiring? I don’t know, you’ll have to tell me. But I do know it’s honest and true.
I like that, too. I guess that’s another thing I find inspiring. People who can be honest about their lives. Those who are living lives that aren’t all beer and skittles, but who are still willing to share their lives, their struggles. That’s what life is all about, to be willing to live life through all our struggles. To share these struggles with others, to be able to say, “I went through this tough physical/emotional/mental time and I…lived.” To pass that message on to others who may be going through a similar time, who may be about to give up. That’s what inspiration is all about.
Time – 500 Words a Day – Day 9
I wish I had more time in my day/life. Though, in reality, I’m not sure that would help. I have a tendency to fill up my days with things I have to do rather than things I want to do. On the one hand, that kinda seems like what life is, and that I should simply accept that. On the other hand, I don’t accept it at all. I feel like there is a way to design my life so that I can do what I want when I want. That said, here’s a snap shot of a perfect day for me. I wrote most of this a few weeks ago as part of a business planning exercise. It’s a work in progress, and I think it will always be a work in progress. I know a year ago this would have looked much different. Actually, it looked different a few weeks ago since I went and changed some things today. That’s partly me because I change what I like/want. And partly because I know more about what’s possible.
To be honest, I kinda want to do a perfect week, because I don’t want to do the same thing day in, day out. I’ve done that for a long time now and I pretty much hate it. It feels like it’s slowly killing my soul. But I think I’ll have to get to that later. So here goes…
I wake up at …… a little after the sun rises. I meditate for a while and have some tea. Relaxing in my loft, I look out over the city. I walk 5 minutes with my dog, Remy, to my holistic health center, Revel Living, where I take one of the morning yoga classes. Tomorrow morning I’ll be going over details of the center with my partner, and planning the next weekend seminar at Revel’s retreat/organic farm in Michigan. We’ll also discuss plans for the yearly retreat to San Diego.
This morning, however, is dedicated to writing for my blog. I’ll also spend some time developing my curriculum for the 12 week couple’s series that starts next month. It’s about how to deepen trust and communication in a relationship.
I see clients in the afternoon, from about 1-6 today. This varies since I head out to the ‘burbs some days for dinner with my son. For today, I use several different techniques, some meditation and yoga, but I also pull out the kickboxing pads to use with one of my clients. I find he talks better when a good workout is added to the therapy session. Remy also comes in handy today, as he works his therapy dog magic with another client.
This evening I spend a couple hours working on the choreograph with my acro partner for our next performance. My evenings do vary. Sometimes I do Muay Thai workouts at the gym down the street. Other times I spend dinner with my son. I get to bed around ten, excited for what comes tomorrow. While I’m always excited for the next day, I especially am today because tomorrow is Friday and I always take Friday’s off.
Acceptance of Self – 500 Words a Day for 30 Days
Another day to write and blog. Another day of bullshit. And I wanted to capitalize the bullshit part. Not sure why. I can journal, I can blog, but I feel like I need to journal about something worthwhile, something earth shattering. What is it about me that wants to do that? That isn’t satisfied with less? It’s a judgement on myself, that’s for sure. Could that also be a self victimization? Possibly. It’s also a lack of self acceptance. To do something, and not be OK with doing it where you are at in life, is a lack of self acceptance. So what would radical self acceptance look like?? I have no idea. The idea sounds great, and I feel like I’ve been able to have some sort of self acceptance in my own life. But what does it mean to truly accept yourself for who you are? I’ve heard it said that the toughest thing in life is to discover who you truly are. And the next toughest is to accept that. I feel I understand that, and believe it. It’s been a tough journey to get where I’m at, but it’s been good one. Part of my journey has been being interrelationships with people who don’t accept me for who I am. Either I’m too nice, too passive, too old, or too what?? I don’t know, seems like there’s always something. In the end maybe too worried about not being in a relationship and accepted for who I am. Well, it’s been true so far, so I guess that’s not an unfounded fear. It does tell me something about myself, but I think that’s for another post. So where was I?? Acceptance. No judgement, but I realized that for the first four days of this experiment I titled everything a little different. Now that I’ve come up with a way that I like, my light OCD wants me to go back and “correct” the titles that I’ve done so far. Is that stronger than the “fuck it” part of my personality? Who knows? Looks like that’s TBD. And look at me, I wrote “TDB” instead of spelling it out. If I really wanted to use up words and have to write less I would have said “To be determined.” Ha! See what I did there? I knew I couldn’t get one over on you…
Soooooo, no idea where I’m t or where I’m going. I have realized that yoga hasn’t been a part of my life for the past few months. I don’t like that. I need yoga in my life for a variety of reasons. Which means I need to find a way to get start doing it again. Part of the reason is my job. I love the job but the commute I now have is an hour minimum, and two hours at the wort. So basically I spend 12 hours a week in my car. That fucking sucks for someone who feels live/work balance is extremely important. And that really cuts down on the workouts I would like to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still do acro yoga several times a week. It’s an awesome workout, but it’s not yoga, it’s not kickboxing. I love it, but I love, and need other things join my life. That’s an interesting thought. How do we make time in our schedules to do the things we love? I feel like I love so many things and I end up dabbling. I’m a jack of all trades, but master of none. In some respects I’m OK with that. I appreciate being interested in a lot of different things. I just wish I had time to do them all. How to figure that out…
Practicing Handstands
I did my first handstand press up the other day. It’s something that I’ve been working on for the past 9 months, so I am estatic that it finally happened. Of course, with the way my mind works, there’s a lesson in there. But first things first. For those of you who don’t know, a handstand press is when you start from standing, place your hands on the floor in front of you and, without jumping, simply lift your legs over your head. “Simply,” right? Hah! It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do and for months my feet wouldn’t even leave the ground. And I consider myself to be in fairly good shape. I’d also like to say my feet went right up over my head into the perfect handstand. Hahahahaha, nope. The truth is, the moment my feet went over my head I freaked out, fell out of the handstand and almost landed on my face. It scared the hell out of me, mostly because I didn’t truly think it would happen. I’m still learning how to do a solid handstand, and yet I can now, apparently, press my feet over my head. Who knew?
So, back to the lessons. The easy thing to talk about would be about perseverance, and it’s true you have to keep trying things in order to get better. And learning can be a slow process. I’ve been trying to do a handstand press since the first time I saw someone do one. It was so cool to see them just lift their feet over their head, and I wanted to do that, too. And I’ll admit it, there’s a bit of my ego involved with this. But I couldn’t do it. I tried and tried and tried. For months. I took and a handstand clinic to improve my handstand. Maybe two. Or three. But the best I could do was to lift my feet an inch or two off the ground. Even that was sooooo freaking hard. I gave up for a while. Stopped doing handstands every chance I got and what little gains I had made, I lost. Then a couple months ago I started trying again. My handstand improved. Still no press, but I’ve been been able to hold a handstand for about 8 seconds.
Then, last week, I was hanging out with one of my friends, who is an excellent yoga teacher, and the woman I’ve been seeing, who is also an incredible yoga teacher. The two of them both start playing with their handstand presses (because they both can) and they start talking about doing this one simple thing that I’ve never even heard about. Bending your knees. I’m amazed. I go off into a corner (because obviously I don’t want to be out in the open if I fail) and I try it. I do it! It wasn’t pretty, I didn’t hold it at all and I almost fell on my face. But I did it! I was amazed and happy! I turn to the woman I’ve been seeing and asked if she saw it. She said “yes.” I said, “I had no idea that bending your knees could help you do a press.” Her response?? “Well, yeah. It makes it so much easier. But why didn’t you tell me you wanted to do a press? I would have told you that months ago.” Oh…
I now realize that doing a handstand press seemed so far away from me that I never really tried it around the people who could help, let alone ask them for help. Even though it was something I REALLY wanted to do. It was always a far off “some day” goal. And I guess I felt a little silly for wanting to try it. I got in my own way because I didn’t believe enough in myself. And because of that, I stayed on the edge of being able to do something I really wanted to do. For months.
But that’s ok. I know how to do it now. Now there’s just more practice and getting better. And being ok with where I am in life, even when I get in my own way, is simply another practice I am incorporating in my life.
So, lessons learned 1) the things we want are often closer than we think 2) even if we think it’s a ridiculous goal, ask others for help. For that matter, surround yourself with people willing to help, not those who say it can’t be done. 3) this goes with #2, but always tell people what you’re doing. Bring it into the light.
As I’m writing these down, I realize that I’ve heard them many times before. So it’s clear I needed a reminder. That’s ok, too. I’m good with reminders. I’m just gonna keep on practicing. Practicing my handstand, practicing my handstand press, practicing life. Because that’s what life really is, practice.
Revel Life – 10 Steps to…What?
Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of things about how to live your life in three easy steps and, to be honest, I’m getting sick of it. There’s no denying that at one time I thought lists were the greatest. All sorts of wisdom in one spot. Then I, too, could be rich if I followed these 10 easy steps. Or find my passion in five steps. Or find myself. Or get over someone.
This stuff is starting to bother me. Not because I intrinsically think they’re wrong, there’s some really good stuff there. But it bothers me because I feel they set people up to fail, or feel bad about themselves, if they don’t succeed in following the steps. Also, I don’t think life can be classified into easy steps. Life isn’t easy, and it isn’t neat. It’s messy, passionate…and beautiful.
First off, I’ve tried to follow steps before…three steps, five steps, 12 steps. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve searched for answers my entire life. I feel I’ve come close to so many things. I guess I’m a bit of a seeker that way. I’d try hard, so hard. And then, wait…what was step eight, again? Fuck. Gotta start over.
I suppose it’s not people’s fault for making lists. Many of us like to contain things, to classify them and put them in order. It gives us a sense of control and peace. But it’s an illusion. We don’t control anything, except ourselves, and many of us are so hindered by past hurts that we have trouble doing that. We react to life and flail wildly about trying to get things back under control again, back into order.
Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my life. As I write this, I’m going through a divorce, my son is 2000 miles away from me and has been for over two years since my ex and I separated. During those two years I worked full-time, finished my masters degree, met someone, fell in love, and then broke up because, well, some things can’t be overcome.
So, there is a lot of sadness in my life right now. And a lot of stress. So what are the five steps to fix it? What’s the easy, straight forward fix? I don’t think there is one, and that’s ok. Like I said, life is messy.
What keeps me going, what keeps me from killing myself, is beauty in the world, the love of my friends, yoga, meditation and some therapy. Almost sounds like