Tag: Living with Depression

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500 Words Day Four – The Dark

I don’t talk about my depression much, except to some few trusted people. I fear people will misunderstand, and I’m not sure they can understand how deep and dark my depression has been. Maybe they can’t, and that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve been on this earth for 42 years and I’ve spent 15-20 of those years clinically depressed. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression and hospitalized for 3 months. Something that I’ve only told a few people, it was actually my choice to be hospitalized. I did it because the only way I could see to feel better was to kill myself and I wasn’t ready to die. See, I’ve always been in love with life, I just couldn’t see how to live.

In the hospital, I was medicated and went through individual and group therapy. It helped. It started me on a path, but it was still a long journey. I was still depressed, but I think I hid it better. Or perhaps I just had a couple more tools to make life seem easier. I clung to my friends. I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs. In retrospect, I hid from my depression and ran towards what seemed like the quick easy fix of sex, drugs and alcohol.

But nothing ever really helped. I was still suicidal. I thought about killing myself. I thought about killing myself at least once a week, usually more often, until I reached my early 30’s. I never told anyone. I knew that under certain circumstances that you could be, at least temporarily, committed to a psych ward against your will if it was determined that you were suicidal enough. I had decided that if I were to kill myself, that it would be on my terms. No one was going to take away my choice to end my own life. So I kept quiet. I didn’t tell my friends, the people I dated, the woman I eventually married, nor any of the therapists that I saw over the years. It was mine alone to deal with.

And I did deal with it. I quit drugs and drinking, which in retrospect probably made it worse for a while. When it did get better it was because of a shit ton of intensive self work. I became more real to myself, I began to accept myself for who I was. I think that was a big part of my depression, I didn’t like who I was very much and always thought I “should” be different, more, better. I’ll admit, it didn’t help that I married someone who reinforced those beliefs on a daily basis.

So after a ton of self work, I dove more deeply into meditation and yoga. I began to feel even better about myself, I learned more on how to truly accept yourself for who you are, and I began to love myself.

Don’t get me wrong, the depression is still there, but it’s much better. I’ve learned how to manage it, I notice what triggers it and, more importantly, I know how to get out of it. I no longer run from my depression. Sometimes people ask how I’m doing and I’ll tell them I’m feeling a little blue. Inevitable they ask, “Why?” When I tell them there’s no real reason, they don’t seem to believe it, but it’s true. It’s also true I know it will pass, it’s just an emotion. Some days it will just pass, and some days it means it’s time to care for myself. Maybe see some friends, maybe see no one for a while. It could mean I need to get outside and play, or head inside for a yoga class. What it amounts to is that I need to do things that are good for my soul, that’s what ultimately brings me out of my depression. And that’s great, because that’s what life is really about.

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Adjust me…Please – A Letter to Yoga Teachers

Over the past 10+ years, I’ve taken a lot of yoga classes from many different teachers, and I’ve noticed teachers have different styles of adjustments.

Some won’t adjust you at all and just cue verbally, while others get a little too handsy. Some have firm, direct adjustments, while others give a light touch to the area they see needs to be corrected. I also know there are reasons both for and against physical adjustments; but, as the title suggests, I am in favor of being adjusted.

Here’s why:

In general, we live in a touch deprived world. This is especially true during a time when face-to-face communication is decreasing and more interaction is virtual. I’m not knocking virtual communication, I think it’s great and use it all the time. But I do think it can diminish physical interaction, which in turn effects us. Aside from this, I also have some personal reasons for wanting to be adjusted in yoga, which I’ll share because I don’t think I’m the only one.

Without going into detail, let’s just say that I carry some “emotional wounds” from my childhood and adolescence. These wounds have created within me a dichotomy where a part of me craves human contact. I love to be touched. I love to hug, get (and give) shoulder rubs and just in general be close to people. It’s one of the ways I feel loved and cared about. And I do want to take a moment to be clear, I’m not talking about sexual touch.

The dichotomy exists in the fact that I am also terrified of being touched. There was a time in my life where the last thing I wanted was for someone to touch me. It didn’t really matter who it was. Whenever I would meet someone who was overly touchy, my first thought was always, “What do you want from me?” This was usually followed by, “Leave me the fuck alone and quit fucking touching me.” This from someone who craves human touch. Like I said, I’ve got wounds.

These wounds of mine have gotten better over time. I’ve done a lot of work with a therapist, but I also realized that yoga was helping me. Specifically the adjustments. I found that receiving a non-sexual touch from someone who wants nothing more than to help me is very freeing. For me, it was the acceptance of that touch, which I didn’t always do.

There was a time that teachers would adjust me and I would scream in my head, “Get your fucking hands off me!” The memory of where I was mentally at that time actually brings tears to my eyes right now. But it’s a good thing. It’s good because I can recognize where I was then and where I’m at now.

Ask Permission to Touch Your Students

And that brings me to a point I want to make to you teachers. Ask permission to touch your students! I can’t emphasize that enough. I can almost guarantee that you have at least one student that doesn’t like to be touched. For that matter, personally introduce yourself to any students you don’t know. In my opinion it’s the right thing to do. It sets the tone of the instructor/student relationship and helps new students feel welcome and more at ease. This helps create a safe space for the student. You can then take that opportunity to ask if they are willing to be adjusted. Make adjustments an offer. Something they can refuse if they are not comfortable, for whatever reason.

Be Aware

Also be aware of what types of adjustments you give and to whom. Some adjustments can put your hands in pretty intimate places (you know which ones I’m talking about), and some can just feel more intimate than others. I remember the first time a teacher adjusted my Down Dog by laying on me, her front to my back. It was the first time I’d taken her class and I’d never had this done to me before. I’d never even seen it before. Now, I think it was a great adjustment. Both for the pose and at that point, I’d done enough healing that I wasn’t going to complain when an attractive woman pressed herself against me. So I’ll admit it, I enjoyed it. But it did throw me off mentally. And after it ended I spent the next few minutes of class looking around thinking, “What the hell was that? Is she adjusting other people like that? She adjusted that guy differently, what does it mean?”

In the end, save the more intimate adjustments for the students that you have known longer. Even then, communicate with them to make sure they are OK with what you are going to do.

I also ask that you try not to forget your students that are more advanced and have been around. I know I’ve been doing yoga for a while, that I’m good at listening to cues and self-adjusting; but, I’m not perfect. And, oh boy, can I be lazy.

I realized about a year ago that my hands are a little too far apart during Down Dog. Quite frankly, I was just too stubborn to change it myself. It seemed like too much work (did I mention I can be lazy?). And until recently, not one teacher that I’ve had has noticed, or if they did they never pointed it out. The fact is, I know I need someone to guide me at times, to notice when I’m not doing my best. Like a simple touch on my knee to remind me to keep that micro bend. This brings my awareness to an area that needs correction, helps me grow and makes me a better yogi.

I believe yoga has a great many healing benefits. Over time, I realized the gentle touch I received during yoga was one of the things that kept me coming back time after time. Allowing myself to receive a caring touch, from someone who clearly wanted nothing more from me, helped me along in the healing of my emotional wounds. As stated earlier, I know there are arguments for and against physical adjustments. But I believe that as long as you know how to safely adjust someone, explain what you are doing and why, and be respectful of the individual boundaries of your students, that your students will enjoy and benefit from being adjusted. And should you see me in class, feel free to adjust me.

– See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/adjust-please-letter-yoga-teachers/#sthash.Il266opl.dpuf

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Revel Life – 10 Steps to…What?

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of things about how to live your life in three easy steps and, to be honest, I’m getting sick of it. There’s no denying that at one time I thought lists were the greatest. All sorts of wisdom in one spot. Then I, too, could be rich if I followed these 10 easy steps. Or find my passion in five steps. Or find myself. Or get over someone.

This stuff is starting to bother me. Not because I intrinsically think they’re wrong, there’s some really good stuff there. But it bothers me because I feel they set people up to fail, or feel bad about themselves, if they don’t succeed in following the steps. Also, I don’t think life can be classified into easy steps. Life isn’t easy, and it isn’t neat. It’s messy, passionate…and beautiful.

First off, I’ve tried to follow steps before…three steps, five steps, 12 steps. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve searched for answers my entire life. I feel I’ve come close to so many things. I guess I’m a bit of a seeker that way. I’d try hard, so hard. And then, wait…what was step eight, again? Fuck. Gotta start over.

I suppose it’s not people’s fault for making lists. Many of us like to contain things, to classify them and put them in order. It gives us a sense of control and peace. But it’s an illusion. We don’t control anything, except ourselves, and many of us are so hindered by past hurts that we have trouble doing that. We react to life and flail wildly about trying to get things back under control again, back into order.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my life. As I write this, I’m going through a divorce, my son is 2000 miles away from me and has been for over two years since my ex and I separated. During those two years I worked full-time, finished my masters degree, met someone, fell in love, and then broke up because, well, some things can’t be overcome.

So, there is a lot of sadness in my life right now. And a lot of stress. So what are the five steps to fix it? What’s the easy, straight forward fix? I don’t think there is one, and that’s ok. Like I said, life is messy.

What keeps me going, what keeps me from killing myself, is beauty in the world, the love of my friends, yoga, meditation and some therapy. Almost sounds like

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Why Revel Living

I’ve been thinking about blogging for a long time now, but it looks like I’m finally getting the guts to do it. There is so much that I could write about, but what do I really know? The first thing that pops into my mind is my depression. Over my lifetime I’ve seen a bunch of therapist, tried different drugs and herbal remedies, but they only seemed to work for the short term, if at all. The key for me was acceptance. To accept that sometimes I’ll be sad. It’s OK.

But the other side of that is knowing that I don’t have to stay there. There are things that I can do that will help me get out of, lessen, minimize, whatever you want to call it, my depression. Some things that have helped me are yoga, meditation, and eating healthy. Well, at least healthier. No more Blizzard a day keeps the doc away attitude (yes, there was a time I went for months eating a Blizzard daily). But also doing things that give me joy, and doing them regularly. Figuring out what I love about life, like yoga, bike riding, hiking…and my puppy.

So, do I want to focus on depression? No. What I really  want to talk about is living with it, and living fully. To understand what makes me tick and turns me on, and hopefully to help others try to figure that out as well. I’ve been blessed to have people in my life that have inspired me, and I want to try to pass that on, in my own way.

Now, why Revel Living? To be honest, I really liked Rebel Living. That speaks to me be cause I tend to be a bit of a rebel in life. If someone says “go left” I go right. If they say “up,” I say “down.” I often don’t mean to, it’s just one of the ways I seem to have been made, and something to note so I can catch it when it pops up in life. But, the first time I mentioned it to someone they mis-heard me and heard revel instead of rebel. And I liked the sound of it even better. So I looked the words up to make sure the message I wanted to convey was in the name. This is what I found.

Revel – enjoy oneself in a lively and noisy way, especially with drinking and dancing.

Living – a particular manner, state, or status of life or the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

Sooo, to me revel living means “the pursuit of a lifestyle of enjoying oneself in a lively and noisy way…especially with drinking and dancing.” Further translation – find out what you love to do, and DO it. Especially with drinking and dancing. Ha!

So get out there. Climb a mountain. Go for a drive. Pet a puppy, or kitten or bunny or chinchilla. Read a book, write a book. Sit down and talk to a friend over a glass of wine, beer, coffee or kombucha. And if all that sounds like too much, then just step outside, and simply breathe. That small step is a great start.