I received a writing prompt to write about a time you loved yourself. I like the prompt, but I’m going to change it into “when I began to love myself.” I think that when you learn to love yourself only one thing really changes… everything. Loving yourself is not some great big event, but a series of small events, little moments in time, in which you choose loving things for yourself.
My moments started with food. I’ve had a long history of food issues. When I was 15, I was diagnosed and treated for anorexia. It went along with my depression. Everything seemed so out of control, but there was one thing that I could control and that was when and how much I ate. And I often chose not to eat. I also had body dysmorphia, meaning that no matter how much, or how little, I weighed I thought I was overweight. After a while, I got over not eating and proceeded to go the other way. I started to eat too much and began to gain weight. For the next 20 years my weight would fluctuate 25 lbs or so in either direction.
Then, one day, as I drove past the same fast food restaurant for the third time, arguing with myself whether or not I should buy the double burger and fries, I thought “What is the most loving thing I could do for myself?” I realized at that point that buying fast food wasn’t being loving to my body…and more importantly, I realized I wanted to be loving to myself.
I know that it seems like a simple thing and, in a way, it is. But there are other things that went through my mind that day, and subsequent days when I made the same decision to love myself. One is realizing why I wanted the fast food. That day I was stressed, not hungry. I had learned to eat to cover stress because it made me forget about the stress, at least for a little while. I also knew I had other, healthier food choices that I could make. That day I chose to go to a vegan restaurant instead. Yes, I still ate my feelings, but it was arguably less harmful to my body. The important thing was that I came away feeling better about myself and my choice. I didn’t add any shame to my life because of my choices. And, to put it bluntly, the shame cycle is a bitch. You get stressed, you eat poorly to feel better. It works while you’re eating, but then you feel shame for what or how much you just ate. That shame adds more stress and you want to eat again. The trick to get out of that cycle is to remember you are not a bad person, even if you didn’t make the best choice. Perhaps another blog about that later.
So, loving yourself isn’t about making big changes. It’s about making small choices on a daily basis that make you feel better about yourself. A lot of mindfulness is required and, that alone, can take time to develop, but it’s worth it. Just remember, the next time you’re making a decision, ask yourself, “what is the most loving choice I can make for myself,” and make that one. Good luck : )