I’m leaning against the windows in terminal C at the Phoenix airport. The morning sun is pouring in and I can feel it’s warmth against my skin. It’s a little too warm, I begin to sweat. I don’t care. After a cold Chicago winter I feel like I need the sun. I feel it push past the physical boundaries of my body. That spark within me, the one that has been dimmed for far too long, begins to flare up. My soul begins to come alive.
Fall Love
There is something magical about fall. I know it, I feel it. But what is it? It feels like a time for renewal and growth, but everything around is dying. It’s a beautiful time of year, the trees are wreathed in flame; oranges, yellows and reds. As I think about this, I’m walking through a park. The grass is still green, there are leaves crunching under foot. I find a spot on a bench that’s bathed in sunlight. I can feel it warm me as the crisp, cool breeze caresses my skin, and I ask myself again, why is fall so special? Is it simply that school starts in the fall, and the excitement of a new school year has stuck with me? That could be, since I loved school, especially when I was a little kid. Is it the last hurrah before winter sets in and you know you’ll be stuck inside for the next few months? Or because it’s the time of year when I can wear either jeans or shorts, and I love that possibility. And sweatshirts and hoodies are awesome.
Spring is supposed to be the Earth’s natural marker for renewal and hope, and yet I have that feeling during the fall. My temperament can be on the depressive side, so maybe that’s why, because the reminder of death makes me feel alive. Or is it Halloween? It has always been my favorite holiday. So much fun can be had pretending you are someone else. Too many people forget to pretend when they “grow up” and they miss out on the magic of play.
And the smells of fall!! How to describe it? It’s mostly dead leaves, decaying on the ground, why would that smell amazing? Earthy and woody at the same time. It’s a time to smell the smoke from bonfires in the neighborhood. To warm your hands around a mug of hot apple cider or mulled wine and let the scent of cinnamon and other spices tickle your nose.
I’m an analyzer, it’s what I do. I like to think about things and wonder “why.” It’s part of who I am. And while all these things are fun to think about, what matters is that I take the time to enjoy them. To sit down in a patch of sunlight, listen to the leaves rustle at my feet while the scents of fall play on the breeze around me. It’s important to be present in life, to take time to enjoy it. So the “why” isn’t always important. Sometimes you have to “be” and enjoy that which you love.
That and get scared out of your mind when a squirrel runs between your feet from under the bench you’re sitting on because you’ve been still so long he thinks you’re just part of the scenery. True story.
Life Today – 500 Words a Day – Day 25
Hmmm, what to write today? I kinda feel like I’ve already opened with that line, but oh well. Had a good day with my son today, got a few minutes of acro in. All in all a good day. Oh, and saw a pretty cool thundershower roll by. I absolutely love thunderstorms, I’m not sure why. Maybe because I grew up in the midwest. Maybe because I just find them to be a beautiful display of mother nature. I do know that for the 11 years I spent in Sand Diego, thunderstorms were one of the things I missed the most. I mean San Diego does get rain, if not a lot, but they don’t get a lot of thunderstorms. I think I heard thunder about once a year while I was out there and I can only think of twice where the thunder was right over head. Also, last week I was sitting out on a rooftop in downtown Chicago and watched another storm roll in. You could watch the lightning getting closer and closer, as the rain slowly started to fall. It was definitely cool to kick back, drink a beer and just watch mother nature do her thing. I think I connected with nature in a totally different way when I lived in San Diego. There are so many things that I miss about it, but there are also so many things about Chicago that I missed when I lived out there. It feels like I have two homes, and maybe it always will. I know there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want a home, that would like to roam from place to place, see the world, to be free. Admittedly, in the past I’d have to say a big part of that desire came from escapism, but now…not so much. Now, I just think of the experiences to be had, the people to meet, the places to see. And some solitude as I move in between places. Is that still escapism? I don’t think so. And looking at it right now, maybe it wasn’t so much back then either. Maybe it was just what my soul cried out for and since I didn’t honor that part, I judged it for something that it wasn’t. I remember going to a Grateful Dead show one year, and I loved it. I already loved the music and the shows, but something really struck me that year. The way the Dead heads appeared to be like family to one another. The freedom it seemed like they had. The love and peace that I felt. I decided then that I wanted to follow them, that’s what I wanted to do with my life. For a few reasons, that never materialized, it just wasn’t my path. I think it’s very fitting that they are playing again this year, in a year where I feel like I’ve begun to get some of that peace and connection to nature back, some of what I felt all those years ago. Now, in no way do I want to follow them again, even if I could. There are too many other things I want to do in life that are important to me, not to mention my son. But it is food for thought.
Inspiration – 500 Words a Day – Day 11
Inspiration. What is it? Where does it come from? How do we inspire others? How do we inspire ourselves? I was thinking about this last night as I was typing “f f f f” to meet my 500 word quota. And I don’t like the word quota because it implies this writing is something I “have” to do, and I don’t find that very inspiring.
Back to the topic.
I was thinking about this topic because I wasn’t feeling very inspired when I was trying to write last night. I felt plenty inspired throughout the day and came up with several topics I wanted to write on, but then I sat down to write and…nothing. While I realize this experiment is all about writing even when you don’t feel like it, I’ve been getting frustrated because I’ve been inspired to write more. Let me explain that. I get inspired to write more often, several times a day actually, but I don’t have the time in my schedule to sit down at that moment and write. And that has happened for several days in a row now.
Even now. As I sit writing this, my son is watching TV. I don’t really have any issue with him watching TV, but I do feel a twist-your-guts-into-knots guilt that I’m not hanging with him. On the other hand, I also want to set an example for him to do what he loves, and to make time for doing what he loves. It’s a lesson I’m still struggling to learn and I’d like him to learn it earlier in life. Am I his inspiration? Or is he mine? Children can be funny like that. So can life.
I do know what I find inspiring. Words. Quotes that make me think about life in a positive way. Words that enlighten me. Pictures of people doing amazing things. Things that I only dream about, but also could see myself doing. Seems like a funny combination. What else? Beauty. A beautiful scene of nature. A picture of a beautiful woman. And a picture of a beautiful woman, doing amazing things, out in nature with some inspiring words on it? Well, that gets me all kinds of inspired.
That’s what this blog is really about. Inspiration. To inspire others the way others have inspired me. But I also want it to be real. I don’t travel the world. I no longer live near a beautiful beach. I’m not a great photographer.
And yet I still see beauty all around me. I try and document what I see. I try and get my thoughts out, because I do think about some great shit. So here I am, putting some writing out there. Inspiring? I don’t know, you’ll have to tell me. But I do know it’s honest and true.
I like that, too. I guess that’s another thing I find inspiring. People who can be honest about their lives. Those who are living lives that aren’t all beer and skittles, but who are still willing to share their lives, their struggles. That’s what life is all about, to be willing to live life through all our struggles. To share these struggles with others, to be able to say, “I went through this tough physical/emotional/mental time and I…lived.” To pass that message on to others who may be going through a similar time, who may be about to give up. That’s what inspiration is all about.
Coming Home to Winter
This weekend, for the first time since I moved back after spending 11 years in San Diego, Chicago felt like home. Put simply, it was really nice. A big part of this feeling came from attending a Winter Ball. I attended a ball. Sounds strange to me to say those words, but that’s what I did.
There was no particular dress code for the ball, other than to wear white and express yourself. A small problem was that I have no white clothes. It’s a color I just don’t wear. Sooo, I had a little shopping to do. Fortunately, my date for the night was willing to help me out with my clothing selection. I had an idea for a shirt to wear, and she ok’d that part, but it was really the pants she suggested that got me out of my comfort zone. I don’t generally wear anything quite that tight. Or striped.
At this point I do feel that I should explain a little about my current journey in life. Particularly with clothes. I’ve always gone for comfort, which means jeans and a t-shirt. So much so, that my ex called it my “uniform.” I was ok with that, I didn’t stand out and I didn’t need to think too much about what I wore. Also, I didn’t care too much for society’s “expected dress code.” I’ve always thought that dressing up and looking “good” was confining and boring. My journey from that idea to the idea of being able to wear clothes that express who I am, while still looking professional, started back in San Diego. While my clothing selection may not have been “professional” on Saturday night, it certainly was a step in the right direction for self expression.
So I got ready and met my date at her place. She was happy to see that I was already dressed in the clothes that she had helped pick out earlier in the day. In particular, she expressed her appreciation for the tight pants (who knew??). As I waited for her to finish getting ready, I enjoyed a fine bourbon barreled ale and got some ideas from one of her roommates for touch ups to what I was wearing.
My date finished getting ready and came out, her white skirt and top was a beautiful contrast against her skin and dark hair. Her silver necklace glimmered in the light, but it was her smile that lit up the room.
We decided to call an Uber, since we knew we would be having a few drinks and it was snowing so heavily. Arm-in-arm we stood outside, waiting for the car to pick us up. I was wearing a black coat over my white clothes, while she was dressed all in white, from her head to her feet. The snow was collecting in our hair as she smiled up at me, and that was the moment I finally felt at home. That Chicago was once again my home.
We arrived at the ball, and walked inside. The space was beautifully decorated…in white, of course. There was also soft, colored lighting throughout the place. The people were amazing to look at, as well. Seeing everyone dressed in white was so cool. Everywhere you looked there were white skirts, pants, shirts, tops, hats and more. And even though I was a little uncomfortable in my tight, striped, pants, it was definitely the right call to wear them. I’ll admit, it helped that I received a random compliment on them within five minutes of arriving.
The ball was a bit of a whirlwind, but here are some of the highlights. I already mentioned the people, and my date knew many of them. I didn’t move more than a few feet at a time without meeting someone new. Everyone was great, and I always enjoy meeting great people.
To add to that, the music was incredible and so much fun to dance to. One of the DJ’s even sang live over the music, and her voice was beautiful. It was especially fun to watch my date dance, as she moves through space so gracefully. The performances were great, with fire-spinning and aerial silks being just two of the performances. I also tried absinthe for the first time, which was good, but I’m still not sure about. The whiskey bar, on the other hand, was awesome. I got to try an amazing, smoky scotch that really blew me away. I’ll admit to finishing it after my date had just a sip or two, but she’s so tiny, and I didn’t want to force alcohol on her. So, really, I was just thinking about her as I enjoyed that yumminess myself.
Unfortunately, we showed up after dinner was over, so I can’t comment on the food. However, the peanut M&M’s we snagged late at night were divine. They were truly the best M&M’s I’ve ever eaten.
Although we left the ball late (or early, depending on your point of view), there were still plenty of people ready to talk and dance the rest of the night away. We got into the car to leave, and on the way home we spoke about the night and how much fun we had. The snow was coming down hard, and would continue to do so for a while, but even still, I realized it’s great to be back home in Chicago.