Tag: anxiety

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The Funk

I wish this blog were about “Da funk”, it sounds a lot more fun. But instead it’s about emotion and how we all (ok, how “I”) seem to feel out of sorts from time-to-time. I woke up this morning and had a great day, really. I went to a consulate to apply for my first visa out of the country, I was able to walk around downtown Chicago a bit, I rode the train in and out of the city, and I was able to spend time with my girlfriend doing all of that. There was really nothing that seemed to be bad about today, and yet I feel … I’m not sure how to describe it … Down, blue, out of sorts.

I know this happens every so often, I’ve talked about it before. Usually it’s a blue kinda feeling, but today it was just funk. I didn’t like it, but I also wasn’t sure what to do with its it other than ride it out. So I did. I went home, I took some time for myself and read. My girlfriend suggested we go to the movies and stop at World Market before-hand. I picked up some coffee that I absolutely LOVE, at 30% off I might add. I began to feel better. After dinner I felt so much better, and then I began to think.

I’m a big believer that our emotions must be felt and, if necessary, expressed. For me, I talk to friends a lot, I write here, and I journal. All these things are good ways for me to express how I feel. To let my emotion out of myself and not hold on to it. I held on to my emotions for years and all it got me was more of the same emotion. Once upon a time I had a therapist who asked me what would happen if I gave in to the sadness that I tried for so long to keep at bay. I told him I was afraid that if I gave into the sadness that it would never end. His response? I’ll never forget it … “If you don’t let it out, it never will end.”

That gave me food for thought. A lot of it. Today I try as best I can to just go with whatever emotion I feel. To spend some time and REALLY feel it. It’s a tough line to walk, I’m not gonna lie. It’s tough because there a re times when I just want to give in to the sadness or happiness. To just revel in it and forget about whatever else is going on in life. For instance, when I’m sad I sometimes just want to lay in bed all day, watch Netflix and eat pizza and ice cream. Or when I’m happy I want to spend all day with my friends playing in the park. Neither of those things are inherently bad, but you know what’s not there? Spending time working. Spending time doing things that fulfill me. In some ways they are about distraction. Heck, in many ways they are about distraction.

I know that there are type A personalities out there, those people who just want to, “get it done.” I’m not one of them. I’d rather chill out, relax and hang with my friends. I’ll admit it, I love doing that stuff. But in the end it’s not all that fulfilling. A quote I heard a long time ago was that, “Success is the continuous realization of a worthwhile dream.” That quote was by Dexter Yager, one of Amway’s greatest salespeople. That quote reminds me of what i want to do with my life. I want to inspire people. I want to help others feel better in life. I’ve said before, and I truly mean it, that if I can help one person not go through the crap that I have, if I can help one person improve their life, than I’ll have lived a worthwhile life.

So where does that leave me now? Yes, I’ve been in a funk today. But I don’t have to stay there. I can feel it and move on. For me, a type B personality, what’s the best way to move on? To do something for others. It helps take my focus off myself and it lifts my soul when I see others doing better. As with anything, you get whatever you focus on. if you focus on sadness, anxiety and depression, what do you get more of? Sadness, anxiety and depression. If you focus on love and service, what do you get? satisfaction and joy. That’s what I want to focus on, and that’s what I will focus on.

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Earthquakes and Fear

I’ve been thinking about all the devastation going on throughout the world today. Fires in California, floods in Louisiana, and the earthquake in Italy yesterday. I can only imagine the fear and loss that’s going through so many people’s lives right now. It made me think about how I’ve been on the outskirts of all of these types of natural disasters, but I’ve never really been impacted by them. What’s more, I’ve never been afraid of them. I’ve been in flooded streets, I’ve had wild fires come to within a mile of where I lived. I’ve felt earthquakes move the buildings I’m in and I’ve even seen tornadoes. I’ve heard people from the Midwest say they could never live in California because of the wild fires, that they were too scary. And I’ve heard people from California say they could never live in the Midwest because they felt the tornadoes were too scary. For some reason none of these things scare me.

I remember the first earthquake I was in. It was kinda comical because I was sitting on the john, at the time. Imagine if you were in a porta potty and someone came by and shoved it really hard. That’s what it felt like. My first thought was that a big truck had hit the apartment building. After it occurred to me how absurd that was, I realized I had just experienced an earthquake. I actually got excited because it was my first. I imagine my excitement would have been somewhat dulled had I ended up in a pile of rubble afterwards.

Though, in thinking about it, if I lived through a building falling down on me, I still don’t know that I would be fearful of future earthquakes. I look at physical danger, the danger that disasters offer, in a very practical way. Either it’s going to happen or it’s not going to happen. While I certainly wouldn’t seek it out, I figure if it’s my time to go, then it’s my time. Worrying isn’t going to change it. It’s much harder for me to take that practicality into other areas of my life. Areas like money, job security, relationships. That practical look on things doesn’t seem to exist for me in those areas. Maybe it’s because those are things I can’t see, they aren’t tangible. And my mind conjures the worst fears possible.

I think it also has something to do with how I view myself. When there is the possibility of some physical danger I just accept it, do what I need to to minimize any negative effects and move on. But I attach meaning to those other, intangible things that cause my anxiety. If I lose my job, don’t make enough money or a relationship fails, then I often feel like that’s personal failure and that I am somehow lacking. It’s bullshit, of course. But society has wrapped self-worth around success, whether in a career or relationship, in such a way that it’s hard to separate them. And then it brings around the shame cycle I’ve spoken about before. Like I said, it can be a tough thing to separate them, but it can be done.