Tag: acceptance

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Fall Love

There is something magical about fall. I know it, I feel it. But what is it? It feels like a time for renewal and growth, but everything around is dying. It’s a beautiful time of year, the trees are wreathed in flame; oranges, yellows and reds. As I think about this, I’m walking through a park. The grass is still green, there are leaves crunching under foot. I find a spot on a bench that’s bathed in sunlight. I can feel it warm me as the crisp, cool breeze caresses my skin, and I ask myself again, why is fall so special? Is it simply that school starts in the fall, and the excitement of a new school year has stuck with me? That could be, since I loved school, especially when I was a little kid. Is it the last hurrah before winter sets in and you know you’ll be stuck inside for the next few months? Or because it’s the time of year when I can wear either jeans or shorts, and I love that possibility. And sweatshirts and hoodies are awesome.

Spring is supposed to be the Earth’s natural marker for renewal and hope, and yet I have that feeling during the fall. My temperament can be on the depressive side, so maybe that’s why, because the reminder of death makes me feel alive. Or is it Halloween? It has always been my favorite holiday. So much fun can be had pretending you are someone else. Too many people forget to pretend when they “grow up” and they miss out on the magic of play.

And the smells of fall!! How to describe it? It’s mostly dead leaves, decaying on the ground, why would that smell amazing? Earthy and woody at the same time. It’s a time to smell the smoke from bonfires in the neighborhood. To warm your hands around a mug of hot apple cider or mulled wine and let the scent of cinnamon and other spices tickle your nose.

I’m an analyzer, it’s what I do. I like to think about things and wonder “why.” It’s part of who I am. And while all these things are fun to think about, what matters is that I take the time to enjoy them. To sit down in a patch of sunlight, listen to the leaves rustle at my feet while the scents of fall play on the breeze around me. It’s important to be present in life, to take time to enjoy it. So the “why” isn’t always important. Sometimes you have to “be” and enjoy that which you love.

That and get scared out of your mind when a squirrel runs between your feet from under the bench you’re sitting on because you’ve been still so long he thinks you’re just part of the scenery. True story.

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Mish Mash – 500 Words a Day – Day 28

I’ve been looking for a supervisor so I can start in private practice for the past few months. It’s felt kinda slow going but I know that’s mainly me. I feel with all that’s going on in my life that I’ll have to forgive myself for it taking a little while longer than I’d like. I know it’s OK, and to not forgive myself will only lead to shaming myself, which I do not need. I also believe that things work out in their own time. We set things up and move in the direction we want, but if something is going to happen, then waiting for it to be right is better than jumping in and trying to force it.

Crap, I seem to be getting cold or virus or something. I literally haven’t finished a sentence without sneezing. Ugh. And I’m taking this side track to just jump around in my writing. I kinda felt I’d gone as far as I’d wanted to with that last bit and I’m not really feeling very philosophical at the moment.

Only two posts to go after this one. Seems weird. When you do something new, the first 30 days are always the hardest, and that 30 days seems to take forever. Then, if you keep up with it, it just gets easier. That’s not to say that I’m going to keep this up. I really have no idea if that’s true or not, we’ll just have to see how things play out.

God, why is it that every time I check how many words I’ve written it’s always 240-ish? It seems like it’d be so much more but never is. Then I keep on writing, hit my stride and blast past 500.

I bought a couple lottery tickets today. I keep on thinking to myself that I never win anything, and I rarely do. Then there are other people out there who think, “I always win stuff.” And they do. So I decided to change how I think. I’m going to start to think, say act, believe that I am lucky and that I do win things. We’ll see how that goes, cause soon I’m going to win the damn lottery, pay off all my debt and have a nice sum left over to buy a timber loft here in Chicago. There, it’s been said and will soon be published.

So, if I am sick tomorrow, the question is do I go into work? I want to say “yes” but that’s really hard to answer. One reason is that I do work with a lot of other people. Another is that a part of my job is to sit and talk to people. I wouldn’t want either group to come in and get me sick, and I don’t like the idea of being the person who gets them sick either. Already used the Zicam, love that stuff, and guess I’ll see how I am in the morning. Right now would just love a day to sit inside, rest and recover. So, I think I’ll either get better after sleeping or worse. Let’s go with better, positive thinking, right?

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Self Acceptance – 500 Words a Day – Day 27

Confession, I have a poor body image. For most of my life I’ve hated one thing or another about my body, seemingly always wishing something was different. When I was a kid in junior high, I always thought I was too tall. I sprouted early and was 5’11” in 7th grade. At the time, all I wanted to do was blend in and not be noticed. I can probably blame some of that on my introvertedness, but it was still there. By the time I was in high school, I felt I was too skinny and that my arms were too thin. In some ways I was ok with that, but it did bother me. When I went to college I started drinking more and put on the freshman 15 and sophomore 30. At that point, I started to feel like I was over weight. I began to work out and restricted my food intake. I went from a fairly healthy 180 lbs to 165 lbs, sometimes working out for 3 hours a day. A quick note on the weight, I’m also just shy of 6’2″. And even as I’m writing this, I don’t think any of the weights matter, what really matters is how I felt about it. Throughout my life I’ve battled with things I don’t like about myself, mainly weight, but I was also self conscious about other things. Can you be self conscious about being self conscious? I think so lol. For a time I had a mentor in my life and he had me stand naked in front of the mirror and just look at myself. It was a weird experience. I noticed now much I tended to focus on the extra weight around my stomach, and how much I hated it. I focused so much on it that I never really noticed other things about myself, until that day. As I stood there in front of the mirror I noticed something that amazed me. My eyes are hazel. Or more distinctly, my eyes are both green and brown. Depending on the day and my surroundings one or the other is more obvious. I was in my mid-30’s and had never noticed that before. My drivers license even said brown. When I got it at 16 the woman asked my the color of my eyes and I told her brown. She started to say they were more of a… I cut her off and told her to put brown. Apparently I was enough of a dick that she didn’t argue and just put brown. So there I am, 30 something, standing naked in front of the mirror and I realize my eyes are hazel. That was a pretty amazing moment. Today, I really like my eye color. I’ve heard it can change as you get older, but I hope it doesn’t.

I’d like to say as I looked in the mirror that day that I accepted everything about myself that I previously hated, but that wouldn’t be true. I still work on accepting things. The current thing I’m working on is my hair. I’ve always hated it, in case you haven’t caught on to the theme. It seemed too curly, and would never do anything I wanted it to. Many women have told me they would love to have my hair, but I’m a guy, and I think it just looks bad when it’s longer than finger length. And that’s how long it’s been for close to 20 years. Until now. Right now my hair is the longest it’s been since I was in college. And I’m growing it longer. I hope it looks OK, but in the end it really doesn’t matter. The idea is to accept it and just go with the flow. I think the confidence to accept it, and rock it, will make all the difference in whether it looks good or not. At least that’s the theory.

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Angst – 500 Words a Day – Day 24

Wow, the days are rolling by and almost to day 30, so crazy. It’s seemed like  a long 24 days so far, but there is less than a week to go. Yay! And from what I read earlier, there may be another experiment on the horizon. All good. I like to be challenged in life, and I appreciate those who, respectfully, challenge me to become better. I say respectfully because if someone straight out challenges me and is a dick about it, then I’m most likely to ignore them, tell them to go to hell, think they’re stupid, take your pick really. I just don’t get along with those kind of people. That said, I’m feeling angsty today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe Mercury is in retrograde, maybe it’s just my turn. Just in general I don’t know. Which is weird, because I’m usually  fairly in tune with my feelings. I do feel like I need some alone time. Some time to chill and recharge. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how much of an introvert I really am. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, and once I did, I didn’t value it. Today, I can say that I tend towards the introverted side and I accept that. What’s more, I kinda like it. I think there is something to be said about embracing who you are. It’s quite freeing. For instance, the more I’ve accepted my introversion, the more I’ve felt free to act in ways that aren’t so introverted. It’s been a good ride. Over the past few weeks…ok months…I’ve been reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s been a really good read. It helped me understand more about myself, but also about introverts and our society. In general introverts have been devalued and that’s something that I’ve felt all my life, from school, to work, to my failed marriage.

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It’s kinda weird to see how much that has been part of my life and how I didn’t notice. For a long time I just thought I was quieter than many other people. At least in groups of people I didn’t know that well. When I get with people I do know and that I’m comfortable with, well, then I don’t stop talking. Oh well. How many words now???? 401. Wait. Is this not counting numbers? 407. Crap it doesn’t seem to be. Grrrr. I guess that’s good to know…

Anyhoo, just taking up space now, so feel free to stop reading. You’ll only miss the great revelation at the end. But that’s up to you…

I’ve got my son for the weekend. That’s aways cool. I remember the last weekend I had him, I felt so guilty to take the time out and write, and he was wondering how long I’d be. It was actually pretty tough to just get done. Now, I told him I had some writing to do and he was like, “OK.” End of story. It was pretty cool to experience. Maybe we’ve both grown…

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Who Knows? – 500 Words a Day – Day 23

It always seems to be 9:30 by the time I get around to do this. I guess that’s better than it was when I started and I was posting closer to midnight. When was that, again? Last week? lol Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can. I always seem to see someone post theirs about now, when I’m chilling, about ready for bed. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired today, but here I am anyway. I guess it’s good, but sheesh, it’s can be hard when you don’ want to. That’s not really true do, some part of me does want to to do this. I know that’s true because I’m doing it. The proof is in the pudding as they say. So I want to do it, why don’t I just accept it and do it with a glad heart? Instead of bitching and complaining about it. Ok, not really botching and complaining, but I’m not doing this with a glad/happy heart either. Just being honest. Is it enough that I’m doing it? That I’m getting stuff down  and putting it out there? Am I being too hard on myself, feeling that I should just magically start to feel like doing this, when I apparently didn’t before? That last part is interesting. I guess that I did feel that after a few days that I’d just naturally want to start doing it. That it would be great and cathartic and I’d be happily typing away. Well, I don’t. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. Which is what I know I wanted to teach myself. That is something I’m learning. To not to feel like doing something, and doing it in anyway because I recognize it’s important to me in the grand scheme of things. Will this hold true when the 30 days is up? I don’t know. I also had this romantic view that at the end of 30 days I’d be so in love with blogging that I’d continue it for another 30 days, and another. Right now, in this moment, fuck that. While I do reserve the right to change my mind, at the moment I don’t want to continue after the 30 days are up. I do want to continue to blog, don’t get me wrong, just not daily. I’d much rather blog weekly, take time to do research , and put out better content. Not that my rants aren’t awesome, cause they are lol. But ranting isn’t really why I started this blog in the first place. I will say that when I did star this blog I feared that I’d get 1-2 posts out and never look at it again. I feel like I’ve done that with stuff in the past, and I didn’t feel like that would happen. I’ve changed a lot from who I used to be, so I had more confidence in myself, but old fears do raise their heads form time to time. That being said, I’m stoked to have written as much as I have, and it’s gotten easier to share it with y’all. I’m not going to say what I’ve learned so far during this experiment, mostly because it’s not over, but also because I really don’t know. Some days it seems like a lot, and other days it seems like nada. Like today. Who knows??

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Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

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Acceptance of Self – 500 Words a Day for 30 Days

Another day to write and blog. Another day of bullshit. And I wanted to capitalize the bullshit part. Not sure why. I can journal, I can blog, but I feel like I need to journal about something worthwhile, something earth shattering. What is it about me that wants to do that? That isn’t satisfied with less? It’s a judgement on myself, that’s for sure. Could that also be a self victimization? Possibly. It’s also a lack of self acceptance. To do something, and not be OK with doing it where you are at in life, is a lack of self acceptance. So what would radical self acceptance look like?? I have no idea. The idea sounds great, and I feel like I’ve been able to have some sort of self acceptance in my own life. But what does it mean to truly accept yourself for who you are? I’ve heard it said that the toughest thing in life is to discover who you truly are. And the next toughest is to accept that. I feel I understand that, and believe it. It’s been a tough journey to get where I’m at, but it’s been good one. Part of my journey has been being interrelationships with people who don’t accept me for who I am. Either I’m too nice, too passive, too old, or too what?? I don’t know, seems like there’s always something. In the end maybe too worried about not being in a relationship and accepted for who I am. Well, it’s been true so far, so I guess that’s not an unfounded fear. It does tell me something about myself, but I think that’s for another post. So where was I?? Acceptance. No judgement, but I realized that for the first four days of this experiment I titled everything a little different. Now that I’ve come up with a way that I like, my light OCD wants me to go back and “correct” the titles that I’ve done so far. Is that stronger than the “fuck it” part of my personality? Who knows? Looks like that’s TBD. And look at me, I wrote “TDB” instead of spelling it out. If I really wanted to use up words and have to write less I would have said “To be determined.” Ha! See what I did there? I knew I couldn’t get one over on you…

Soooooo, no idea where I’m t or where I’m going. I have realized that yoga hasn’t been a part of my life for the past few months. I don’t like that. I need yoga in my life for a variety of reasons. Which means I need to find a way to get start doing it again. Part of the reason is my job. I love the job but the commute I now have is an hour minimum, and two hours at the wort. So basically I spend 12 hours a week in my car. That fucking sucks for someone who feels live/work balance is extremely important. And that really cuts down on the workouts I would like to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still do acro yoga several times a week. It’s an awesome workout, but it’s not yoga, it’s not kickboxing. I love it, but I love, and need other things join my life. That’s an interesting thought. How do we make time in our schedules to do the things we love? I feel like I love so many things and I end up dabbling. I’m a jack of all trades, but master of none. In some respects I’m OK with that. I appreciate being interested in a lot of different things. I just wish I had time to do them all. How to figure that out…

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500 Words Day Four – The Dark

I don’t talk about my depression much, except to some few trusted people. I fear people will misunderstand, and I’m not sure they can understand how deep and dark my depression has been. Maybe they can’t, and that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve been on this earth for 42 years and I’ve spent 15-20 of those years clinically depressed. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression and hospitalized for 3 months. Something that I’ve only told a few people, it was actually my choice to be hospitalized. I did it because the only way I could see to feel better was to kill myself and I wasn’t ready to die. See, I’ve always been in love with life, I just couldn’t see how to live.

In the hospital, I was medicated and went through individual and group therapy. It helped. It started me on a path, but it was still a long journey. I was still depressed, but I think I hid it better. Or perhaps I just had a couple more tools to make life seem easier. I clung to my friends. I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs. In retrospect, I hid from my depression and ran towards what seemed like the quick easy fix of sex, drugs and alcohol.

But nothing ever really helped. I was still suicidal. I thought about killing myself. I thought about killing myself at least once a week, usually more often, until I reached my early 30’s. I never told anyone. I knew that under certain circumstances that you could be, at least temporarily, committed to a psych ward against your will if it was determined that you were suicidal enough. I had decided that if I were to kill myself, that it would be on my terms. No one was going to take away my choice to end my own life. So I kept quiet. I didn’t tell my friends, the people I dated, the woman I eventually married, nor any of the therapists that I saw over the years. It was mine alone to deal with.

And I did deal with it. I quit drugs and drinking, which in retrospect probably made it worse for a while. When it did get better it was because of a shit ton of intensive self work. I became more real to myself, I began to accept myself for who I was. I think that was a big part of my depression, I didn’t like who I was very much and always thought I “should” be different, more, better. I’ll admit, it didn’t help that I married someone who reinforced those beliefs on a daily basis.

So after a ton of self work, I dove more deeply into meditation and yoga. I began to feel even better about myself, I learned more on how to truly accept yourself for who you are, and I began to love myself.

Don’t get me wrong, the depression is still there, but it’s much better. I’ve learned how to manage it, I notice what triggers it and, more importantly, I know how to get out of it. I no longer run from my depression. Sometimes people ask how I’m doing and I’ll tell them I’m feeling a little blue. Inevitable they ask, “Why?” When I tell them there’s no real reason, they don’t seem to believe it, but it’s true. It’s also true I know it will pass, it’s just an emotion. Some days it will just pass, and some days it means it’s time to care for myself. Maybe see some friends, maybe see no one for a while. It could mean I need to get outside and play, or head inside for a yoga class. What it amounts to is that I need to do things that are good for my soul, that’s what ultimately brings me out of my depression. And that’s great, because that’s what life is really about.

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500 words – Day 2 – Questions and More Questions

I was having a good day today. For two days in a row, I received compliments from clients and I was feeling good. But then something happened. I got hurt by something someone said. Everything got derailed. It’s weird. I don’t think about myself as being that sensitive. I mean, I know I’m sensitive, especially for a guy, but am I really that sensitive? When it’s the right thing, apparently the answer is, yes.

So here I am. I had things I wanted to write about today, things that weren’t so…personal. But I’m at the end of the day and here I am. I need and want to get this done, so this is what I have. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be around people. And I hate that word, people. Just sounds weird. But I digress.

I got hurt. So what? I usually can see things for what they are, let what people say roll off me. I understand how they have their own hurts, that most people don’t intend to hurt others with what they say, or how they say it. Understanding that I can let it go, not take it personally. But this one got me. Right to the core.  I was trying to figure out what it was that bothered me, why it bothered me, why I couldn’t let it go. I figured it out and almost started crying.

I realized that I like to help people (gee, wonder why I’m a therapist). Guess that wasn’t really new, but one of the reasons why was. It was that I like to help because I want to feel needed, that I have a reason to exist. To be of need. I like to do things for people. Is it because I care? Yes. But also it’s apparently for me. When you do something, not to help someone else, but because you want to be needed, it ceases to be about them and it’s really just a selfish act. Feeling like I’m kinda off track here, but the words are flowing and I’m not sure I want to interrupt.

Back to wanting to be needed. I do really like to help. It does make me feel good to help others, does that make it all about me? Maybe, sometimes. To be needed. The core of who I am? Not sure about that, but a part of who I am for sure. Why do I try and help people who don’t want it? Not always, but I do. And what is the difference for those I try to help that don’t want it and those I don’t try to help? The ones that I say can ask for help if they really want it? And, why am I surprised when I try to help someone who doesn’t want help and they get upset with me? Shouldn’t I just accept that? Not necessarily accept them being upset with me, but at least not be surprised and hurt about it.

Back, again, to wanting to be needed. It’s not really needed that I want, but to be accepted. To be loved. I guess on some level I associate doing things for people, being needed by them, with being accepted and loved. And when I try to do things for them, and it’s not wanted, I feel unaccepted and unloved. Which hurts to the core.

I usually try to end these things with what I learned, and I guess I kinda did. But really it’s just hurt that I have right now. That’s OK, I can sit with it. It’s not comfortable, but it’s real. I do know myself more, which I’m thankful for. And I feel searching yourself, learning more about yourself, is part of what life is about. And that’s always good.

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Back at it

Sooo… Two days ago a friend asked me how often I blog. My initial response, which I didn’t actually say was, “not often enough.” I didn’t say it because it felt like a put down on myself and I try not to do that anymore. What I did say was that I tend to blog in spurts, i.e. when the mood suits me. This has been characteristic of my life, I often do what I want, when I want. On the one hand, I kind of like living that way. On the other, my rebellious side kicks in and things I “should” do, or actually need to do, often get pushed aside until I get around to them. The quote (and I have no idea who said it), “do the things you need to do when you need to do them, so you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them,” often comes to mind. That’s something I do believe and it’s time to make that change in my life.

Then, yesterday another friend posted on his blog, Kale & Cigarettes, about an experiment he has done and is planning to do again. Writing 500 words a day and then posting it for everyone to see, and doing it for 30 days.

I’m doing this for several reasons. I see how this guy lives life what he’s done in life, and I think it’s pretty cool. While I have my own life to live, I do understand that there are certain practices we can incorporate into our daily lives that can make them better, closer to what we want. Daily blogging isn’t something I ever set out to do, but I used to journal daily and the changes I went through back then were pretty amazing.

I’m also doing this because, as I said earlier, I often only do things when I want, not when I need to do them. I recognize that my rebelliousness has served me in life, it’s a part of me that will probably always be there and one that I’ve come to recognize and enjoy. However, I’ll admit it gets in the way. When I want to do something and I know it’s good for me, but I don’t because of sheer stubbornness, it’s a problem. In a spoken word, Henry Rollins once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Ruled by a plant, what  joke.” He was referring to drugs and alcohol but I think it applies to emotions and personality, as well. We all have them, it’s what makes us individuals, but we aren’t meant to be ruled by them.

I’m also hoping to become a better writer by doing this experiment. I’ve had many topics I’ve wanted to write about, but the “mood” just hasn’t hit me. One that I’ve tried to get out many times is living with depression, to try and explain what it’s like. I usually get about two paragraphs in and quit, it’s just too depressing, lol.

I guess I’m just looking to be a better person, a better man. I often fail miserably, but by making little steps in the right direction I hope I will eventually get there. So here is a little step that I hope will get me where I want to go. And in a salute to my rebelliousness, maybe I’ll only do 29 days. Or 60 days, who knows…