I’ve been watching Disney’s Frozen a lot lately. Since I have a 5 year old, and it’s one of his favorite movies, it’s pretty much guaranteed that I’m going to see it again and again. And again. Don’t get me wrong, I love it as well, I’m just making the point that I’ve seen it enough times to really start thinking about it. And the therapist in me starts to process what’s going on…
The part that really started me thinking is a favorite scene of both my son and I. And I’m guessing, a favorite scene of many other people. The scene I’m referring to is where Elsa has just revealed her powers to everyone and retreated to the top of the mountain to be alone. It’s a huge turning point in the character’s life and I think the reason people like it so much is that most of us have either felt like that, or wished we could feel like that at one point or another in our lives.
Up to this point in her life Elsa has had a power in her that she feared. Understandably so, since she hurt her sister with it when they were kids. But this was compounded when her parents also began to fear her power, of what they saw inside her. How many of us have something inside that we feel we need to hide? How many of us fear our own capabilities? For good and bad? What is it inside of you that you are afraid to show others?
I think that Elsa’s parents really messed things up for her when she was young. They told her to “conceal, don’t feel,” and Elsa’s power was tied to her emotions. What her parents did was a fear reaction, a reaction that many parents, myself included, often take when dealing with their kids. I see it happen all the time, especially parents of little boys. You hear parents say to them, “Stop crying, this is nothing to be upset about,” or “Grow up, be a man.” There are a hundred different ways that parents teach their kids to fear or disregard their capabilities and emotions, but the general message is, “conceal, don’t feel.” What kids learn from this is to ignore what they feel or who they are inside. Unfortunately, these feelings don’t go away.
The reality is that whatever the child is feeling inside is important to them, even if the parents don’t understand or aren’t capable of helping their kids deal with it. Pushing feelings down or ignoring them creates a situation where the child never learns how to deal with their feelings. And if they don’t learn how to deal with them in a healthy way, these feelings will overflow and will likely come out in unhealthy ways. Maybe an uncontrollable temper. Or depression. Cutting. Sex addiction. Drug and alcohol abuse. You name it. If a child doesn’t learn how to deal with their feelings when they are young, if they don’t learn to accept themselves as they are, they most likely will be ruled by them later in life.
This isn’t really anyone’s fault. Too few people are taught this, and I truly believe that most parents raise their kids in the best way they know how. But the lack of education can have terrible results. Look at Elsa. Since she never learned how to deal with her powers when she was younger, as she grew up and her powers grew stronger, she couldn’t control them at all. She ended up plunging her kingdom into eternal winter and almost killed her sister. Again.
Her powers came out into the open and she retreated to the mountain. There, after years of hiding the power that was growing inside of her, she could finally be herself. In a way she was lucky that her power was exposed that way. For those of us who have a tendency to hide what’s inside, it’s a choice whether or not to reveal ourselves. Like Elsa, we are afraid that we’ll be rejected by those closest to us. That we won’t be accepted, or loved, for who we really are. Perhaps that we will forever be alone because of it.
Here’s the kicker. Unless we are willing to reveal those deepest secrets to someone, we will be alone. People can’t accept us as we are unless we’re willing to take the risk and reveal ourselves. That, my friends, is what intimacy really is. To know someone and be known. You have to be willing to take the risk. Just make sure it’s with someone who is safe. Not being allowed to feel our feelings when we are kids, not being allowed to learn how to accept ourselves as we are, is a form of victimization. To reveal yourself to someone who isn’t a safe person, someone that doesn’t treat you and your feelings with love and respect, is to open yourself to another victimization. But I can guarantee that there are people out there who want to get to know who you are. All of you. You just need to find them and take the leap, slowly. Conundrum, huh?
Something that Elsa didn’t see at first is that we can’t do this alone. She retreated to the mountain top to be free, and in a way she was. She was finally able to fully express herself, to be who she was meant to be. And Elsa loved it! This is something so many of us yearn to do. God, having the space to fully express who you know you are, without worrying about what other people think or will say. That’s an incredible feeling and there is freedom in that. But what happened to Elsa is that she traded the prison created for her by her parents, of “conceal, don’t feel,” for one of her own making. One where she was alone, at the top of her mountain, guarded by her giant snowman.
Even though she was “free,” she was still ruled by fear. She hid in her own way instead of the one decided for her by her parents. But don’t many of us do this with our feelings, with who we are? We retreat from others, we hide and we have our defenses that we won’t let people through. We pick and choose who we will let in to talk to us. It is important to be choosy, but look at why you do it. Many times it’s simply out of fear, fear of not being accepted for who and what we are. See, even though Elsa was “free,” she still didn’t believe that anyone would love her for who she was, and she feared the power within her. I’ve retreated in my own life. Sometimes mentally or emotionally. Sometimes physically, as Elsa did.
For most of us, this doesn’t work. First, it’s hard to be a hermit in today’s society. We have jobs and families that require our attention. Most of us need to interact with other people, in one way or another, in order to survive. Retreating just isn’t a possibility. Second, there’s a difference between being alone and isolating yourself. Elsa isolated herself. It was a way of dealing with her power, but it was fear driven. In contrast, when someone choses to be alone it can be a time of healing and growth. As someone who tends to be more introverted, I have come to realize that I need to make time to be alone. It’s simple self care and I am better able to be fully with others when I make time to do this.
Another reason is that I believe there are many things in life that are harder to learn if we are not in a relationship with someone, whether that’s family, friendship or a romantic relationship. For instance, it’s hard know what a healthy response is when someone you love is upset with you. It can be to control your feelings when you are confronted with that situation, especially for the first time. Look at Elsa again. What sparked everything off was what happened at the coronation party. Her sister was upset, demanded a response from Elsa and she couldn’t deal with it. It wasn’t until she was forced back to society that she found out her sister still loved her, and loved her enough to sacrifice herself for Elsa. An act of true love. All this despite Elsa’s fear of rejection. This acceptance by others helps Elsa to finally, fully, accept herself. This happened quickly for Elsa. For most of us, like myself, this process of self acceptance takes a lot longer.
Now a little about me and a way that I’m currently working on accepting myself for who I am, and that is in dating. I’m fairly introverted, and I’m also a little shy (these are different). Growing up I didn’t appreciate either of these qualities. I thought that I’d be so much better off if I were extroverted, if I were more bold. All that’s changing, slowly, as I begin to accept and appreciate myself for the person I am. So why do I mention dating? Because right now when I do date, I have my own version of a mountain top with a guardian snowman, online dating (I’ll write more on that in another blog). But online dating is a way that I use to hide. It allows me to overcome the initial shyness and to ask someone out. And here’s an irony for you. Right now I’m sitting in a Starbucks writing this blog. I just looked up at the line and noticed that an attractive woman was checking me out. What do I do? I quickly look away. LOL. Oh well. Maybe next time.
So, for now, I’ll keep my guardian in place and date online. And I’ll work on accepting myself and who I am in this area, and simply be willing to come out of self imposed isolation. Translation, be aware the next time I’d like to ask someone out and decide whether or not I’m comfortable enough to do it. Starting off the answer will probably be “no”. But, as I become more aware of where I’m at and quit warring with myself for not being someone/something I’m not, then it becomes increasingly likely that the answer will be “yes”. Through this I can find my own way of asking someone out that works for me, a way that honors the man I am. In this way I “let go” of some of the baggage I carry in my life.
I will say that I have actually asked out one woman face-to-face. Yup, one lol. I found her to be beautiful and fascinating, and I wanted to know more. I was scared as hell, but I asked if she wanted to grab a beer sometime. Expecting a “no” I almost didn’t wait to hear her answer. As I moved towards the door, I was shocked when she said “yes.” So shocked that I pretty much just said, “Great, we’ll do that. Enjoy your night,” and walked out the door. To this day she’s really the only woman I’ve asked out face-to-face. That was about a year ago. Baby steps.
And so the question to you is, what messages do you carry from your childhood that no longer serve you? Is it something emotional? Or perhaps some part of your personality that you don’t like? Is there a part of what makes you “you” that you’re afraid to share? Sometimes you just need to take a breath and…let it go.