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The Bidet

There was gas in the water line for the bidet. Got your attention? It sure as hell got mine. We don’t have a “real” bidet in our place, but it’s a sprayer attachment on the side of the toilet. Works great, though. The fact that I have a bum sprayer, let alone that I use it, still kinda boggles my mind. But it’s good. The sprayer is a fairly new addition, I put it in about a year ago after we got back from Brazil. Brazil is what changed it all for me.

My wife and I went to visit her family and we stayed at her mother’s place. It’s a beautiful home and when I first used the bathroom I noticed the sprayer next to the toilet. Now, I knew what bidet’s were and being a good Mid-Western boy there was no way in hell I was going to use water instead of toilet paper to clean myself. No. Way. In. Hell. I don’t know what my aversion really was. Although, if I’m being honest, it may be left over from attending junior high and high school in the 80’s where if anything came near your butt you were called gay and you were endlessly teased about it. And I didn’t want to be teased back then. So, maybe, on some level, I was still associating a bidet with being gay. Which is stupid on so many levels, ’cause, I mean, c’mon, who hasn’t at least been curious about exploring back there? Guess I’m still learning about my biases. Well, that’s the first step to changing them : )

So anyway, I didn’t use the sprayer at my mom-in-law’s place. Then we went on a vacation while we were on vacation. We went to Jericoacoara.  A beautiful place and I highly recommend it if you’re looking for somewhere to visit. The main point about it is that in our hotel bathroom there was a sign next to the toilet that said something to the effect of, “Please do not flush toilet paper down the toilet. The town’s sewer cannot handle it and it will back up.” Well, “fuck that,” I thought and I used my TP and flushed it down the toilet. There was a little trash can next to the toilet/sprayer for you to put the TP you used to dry yourself. I’ll be honest, it took me a second to realize that’s what it was there for. My first thought was that you were supposed to wipe yourself clean and put it in there instead of flushing. Which seemed absurd. Then I realized I was the absurd one. So I flushed my TP down the toilet and wet some more and placed it in the basket. I certainly didn’t want the hotel staff to think I was flushing it down the toilet. I know how to get away with stuff.

Then I felt bad. What if it backs up? How badly can this TP mess things up? Does it really screw up the sewer in the rest of the town? ‘Cause the plumbing in the hotel looked pretty new. And then I realized I was being a stupid, selfish American. The next time I used the bathroom I used the sprayer. Not gonna lie, it was fuckin’ weird. But over the next week, I got used to it. My wife said she wished we had one at our place. “That’s easy enough to do,” I told her. So I put one in. She was happy. I scored points. It was all good.

So now, I use one every single day. I love it. It’s refreshing and clean and we’re saving a ton on TP. The problem is, once I got used to using my bum sprayer, things got pretty sensitive back there. Normally, it’s great. Traveling, however, is the worst because I have to use TP, and it’s typically the cheap, rough stuff. Can I just say, “Damn!” After a day or so I feel scraped raw and when you’re walking around with your bum hole feeling raw, it makes everything else less fun. This is a common complaint amongst my family when we travel. Oh, well. I spend more time pooping at home than anywhere else, so it’s totally worth it. And, while it may seem awkward and weird to most of us Americans, in the end (ha, ha), I’d recommend trying one.

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Earthquakes and Fear

I’ve been thinking about all the devastation going on throughout the world today. Fires in California, floods in Louisiana, and the earthquake in Italy yesterday. I can only imagine the fear and loss that’s going through so many people’s lives right now. It made me think about how I’ve been on the outskirts of all of these types of natural disasters, but I’ve never really been impacted by them. What’s more, I’ve never been afraid of them. I’ve been in flooded streets, I’ve had wild fires come to within a mile of where I lived. I’ve felt earthquakes move the buildings I’m in and I’ve even seen tornadoes. I’ve heard people from the Midwest say they could never live in California because of the wild fires, that they were too scary. And I’ve heard people from California say they could never live in the Midwest because they felt the tornadoes were too scary. For some reason none of these things scare me.

I remember the first earthquake I was in. It was kinda comical because I was sitting on the john, at the time. Imagine if you were in a porta potty and someone came by and shoved it really hard. That’s what it felt like. My first thought was that a big truck had hit the apartment building. After it occurred to me how absurd that was, I realized I had just experienced an earthquake. I actually got excited because it was my first. I imagine my excitement would have been somewhat dulled had I ended up in a pile of rubble afterwards.

Though, in thinking about it, if I lived through a building falling down on me, I still don’t know that I would be fearful of future earthquakes. I look at physical danger, the danger that disasters offer, in a very practical way. Either it’s going to happen or it’s not going to happen. While I certainly wouldn’t seek it out, I figure if it’s my time to go, then it’s my time. Worrying isn’t going to change it. It’s much harder for me to take that practicality into other areas of my life. Areas like money, job security, relationships. That practical look on things doesn’t seem to exist for me in those areas. Maybe it’s because those are things I can’t see, they aren’t tangible. And my mind conjures the worst fears possible.

I think it also has something to do with how I view myself. When there is the possibility of some physical danger I just accept it, do what I need to to minimize any negative effects and move on. But I attach meaning to those other, intangible things that cause my anxiety. If I lose my job, don’t make enough money or a relationship fails, then I often feel like that’s personal failure and that I am somehow lacking. It’s bullshit, of course. But society has wrapped self-worth around success, whether in a career or relationship, in such a way that it’s hard to separate them. And then it brings around the shame cycle I’ve spoken about before. Like I said, it can be a tough thing to separate them, but it can be done.

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Coming Alive

image imageI’m leaning against the windows in terminal C at the Phoenix airport. The morning sun is pouring in and I can feel it’s warmth against my skin. It’s a little too warm, I begin to sweat. I don’t care. After a cold Chicago winter I feel like I need the sun. I feel it push past the physical boundaries of my body. That spark within me, the one that has been dimmed for far too long, begins to flare up. My soul begins to come alive.

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Being Creative – 500 Words a Day – Day 30

Here we are, day 30. I commented on someone else’s post, today telling them they ARE a writer. Some how, today, I don’t “feel” like a writer. I’ve written stuff for 30 days, but I don’t feel like I’m a writer. Why is that? It’s weird, because I had a discussion with this young guy about 9 months ago, and I’ve brought it it with several people since then. I actually think I wrote about this already during this past 30 days. Ultimately, the idea is that we are what we think we are, tell ourselves we are, and say what we are. Or aren’t. So even though there are times when I don’t think I’m a writer, I still am. I write, I create. That’s another thing I always told myself, that I’m not creative. Bullshit! At least that’s what I’ve found. The more I have accepted that I am creative, the more creative I’ve found myself being, and wanting to be. How weird lol.

So I create. I write. I take photographs. Maybe someday I’ll get into ceramics again. Funny story, there. In high school I took a ceramics class and I loved it. I loved it so much I took the advanced class the next time it came around, that way I got to use the wheel. As I said, I loved it. Can I say that enough? Funny thing, I still didn’t feel like I was creative. But there was so much I loved about putting the time and effort into creating a ceramic piece, getting the clay, using the wheel, finding the right color glaze, often combining them to make different designs or colors. I think maybe why I never felt like a creative type, even then, was that I never felt I could create something good. I didn’t believe in myself. I’m mean my mom liked what I made, but she’s my mom. She HAS to like what I make, right? Then my teacher liked one pot I made. He told me he wanted me to enter it into the art contest where they would display different types of art and kids would vote on it. I said no way, I wasn’t entering some stupid art contest. I may have told him something to the effect that it wasn’t any good anyway. He told it was and that I should enter it. I said no way again. He said I could either enter the contest or I could fail the class. Um, OK. Guess I’m entering the art contest. I didn’t win. I wasn’t surprised. But I was surprised that I got 4th out of all the other art projects. The cynical part of me wants to say, there must have been only four entries. Realistically, I know there were more than that. How many? I’m not sure. But I know there were more than four. Thinking back, I’m pretty proud of that pot, I mean, it was a cool pot. I wonder if my mom still has it?

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Sick – 500 Words a Day – Day 29

Wow, is it really day 29? Only one more day to go. I wanted to skip today because I’ve been at home sick. On the other hand, I slept all day and find myself somewhat awake, so after spending 20 minutes on FB, I decided that I had to write today. It’s a weird feeling because I really don’t want to be doing this, but it seems more like habit than anything else at this point. Not that it’s a bad thing, just unusual. I really do feel like crap. Time for more EmergenC and zinc. Those are my go to’s when I feel bad. It usually gets me pst any feelings of sick in a day or so but right now, after a day in bed, I feel worse. I don’t get sick that often, my feeling is that in general I take care of myself, eating fairly well, with some slips, and working out regularly. I’ve noticed in the past that my depression creeps up when I get sick, or at least the feelings of sadness can creep up. I don’t feel that this time, but it’s happened enough in the past that I’ve wondered if some of my “sicknesses” have had a spiritual aspect to them. When I say that I mean if I’m depressed, am I more prone to being sick? Or do I simply not have the will to fight through being sick? I don’t really know about that, just thoughts that have crossed my mind. And I’ve noticed the pattern in others, too. Friends who seem to struggle with depression and isolating seem to get sick more frequently than those who don’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to be around me and tell me they are sick to get out of hanging out? Could be lol.

I do know that today I’m sick. And I can tell because I really wanted to do some acro at the beach tonight, followed by listening in on the Mumford and Sons concert at Montrose Beach. Instead, I’m laying in bed, sometimes freezing, sometimes sweating and typing this out. I’m definitely sick. And thirsty. I’ll be right back…

OK, one problem solved. But now I have not one, but two 65+ lb dogs on my bed vying for attention. It’s hard enough to type when one dog keeps dropping a rope in your lap to throw for them, but it’s almost impossible when another one has their head in your lap, too. I happen to love dogs, and it’s rare that Sarah, the other dog, comes up to visit. 417 words.

I’ve considered doing the prompt that was suggested back on day 13 or something. It was what would someone see if they looked through your window for 24 hours, but I’m still not sure. My rebel side says hell no, but it would be kind of fun, too. One more day to chime in, so I guess we’ll see if I’m up to it tomorrow. Hoping I won’t be sick, but right now laying in bed and sleeping sounds great. And I want to get over this sick thing ASAP, it’s my birthday Saturday 🙂

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Mish Mash – 500 Words a Day – Day 28

I’ve been looking for a supervisor so I can start in private practice for the past few months. It’s felt kinda slow going but I know that’s mainly me. I feel with all that’s going on in my life that I’ll have to forgive myself for it taking a little while longer than I’d like. I know it’s OK, and to not forgive myself will only lead to shaming myself, which I do not need. I also believe that things work out in their own time. We set things up and move in the direction we want, but if something is going to happen, then waiting for it to be right is better than jumping in and trying to force it.

Crap, I seem to be getting cold or virus or something. I literally haven’t finished a sentence without sneezing. Ugh. And I’m taking this side track to just jump around in my writing. I kinda felt I’d gone as far as I’d wanted to with that last bit and I’m not really feeling very philosophical at the moment.

Only two posts to go after this one. Seems weird. When you do something new, the first 30 days are always the hardest, and that 30 days seems to take forever. Then, if you keep up with it, it just gets easier. That’s not to say that I’m going to keep this up. I really have no idea if that’s true or not, we’ll just have to see how things play out.

God, why is it that every time I check how many words I’ve written it’s always 240-ish? It seems like it’d be so much more but never is. Then I keep on writing, hit my stride and blast past 500.

I bought a couple lottery tickets today. I keep on thinking to myself that I never win anything, and I rarely do. Then there are other people out there who think, “I always win stuff.” And they do. So I decided to change how I think. I’m going to start to think, say act, believe that I am lucky and that I do win things. We’ll see how that goes, cause soon I’m going to win the damn lottery, pay off all my debt and have a nice sum left over to buy a timber loft here in Chicago. There, it’s been said and will soon be published.

So, if I am sick tomorrow, the question is do I go into work? I want to say “yes” but that’s really hard to answer. One reason is that I do work with a lot of other people. Another is that a part of my job is to sit and talk to people. I wouldn’t want either group to come in and get me sick, and I don’t like the idea of being the person who gets them sick either. Already used the Zicam, love that stuff, and guess I’ll see how I am in the morning. Right now would just love a day to sit inside, rest and recover. So, I think I’ll either get better after sleeping or worse. Let’s go with better, positive thinking, right?

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Little Moments – 500 Words a Day – Day 26

My son tagged me in the nuts with a boomerang today. Now that I have your attention, I really have nothing else to say. Well, that’s not really true. I’ve been thinking about how much our life is made up of these little moments. We do remember the big things, like graduation, marriage, deaths, births and all that other crap. But really, what is life made of? It’s the small moments in between that are the bulk of our lives, and those are the ones that really matter. At least in my mind. Will my son remember if I’m at his kindergarten graduation? Maybe, maybe not. High school graduation? Much more likely. But is that as important as today, the day he tagged my in the nuts? In a way “yes” and in a way “no.” He may not remember today, since it will blend in with all the rest of the days and, quite frankly, it wasn’t caught on camera. I mean, if it had been, Americas Funniest Videos here we come. But it wasn’t, and I still feel like it was a great day. Funny isn’t it? In Jr High or High School I definitely would not have considered a day that I was tagged in the nuts as being one of the best days. But as an adult, with a son, it was good. I’ll also let you know that it wasn’t that bad of a tag, just good enough to get a laugh. You know what I mean, at least you guys do. I’m not sure if that’s something that a woman can really understand. I sometimes have trouble thinking about the time I get to spend with my son. I calculated it once and realized I get about 15% of time with my son, which means that when I am with him, it’s precious time spent. I’ve already turned down jobs that I could take because they wanted me to work on Sundays, meaning I’d get to spend less time with him. I’m not OK with that. Not too sure where this is going, but I do know that I treasure all the time I get with my son. Sometimes I feel more connected, sometimes less. Sometimes we do more stuff outside,  and sometimes we just hang around inside playing video games. In the end I know it’s really about spending time with him, and not just bull shit time. Back to little moments. How do you carve out little moments to spend with the people you love? Life can move by so fast that it can be hard to do so. Or you can mix up doing things together with actually spending quality time together. I remember a long time ago how a therapist pointed out that going to the gym with my significant other wasn’t necessarily spending quality time. In this case it was really more about checking stuff off our to do list. That’s not quality time and doesn’t add to the relationship. Then again, it’s really about the intent behind it. That’s what it boils down to. What is your intent in life?

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Life Today – 500 Words a Day – Day 25

Hmmm, what to write today? I kinda feel like I’ve already opened with that line, but oh well. Had a good day with my son today, got a few minutes of acro in. All in all a good day. Oh, and saw a pretty cool thundershower roll by. I absolutely love thunderstorms, I’m not sure why. Maybe because I grew up in the midwest. Maybe because I just find them to be a beautiful display of mother nature. I do know that for the 11 years I spent in Sand Diego, thunderstorms were one of the things I missed the most. I mean San Diego does get rain, if not a lot, but they don’t get a lot of thunderstorms. I think I heard thunder about once a year while I was out there and I can only think of twice where the thunder was right over head. Also, last week I was sitting out on a rooftop in downtown Chicago and watched another storm roll in. You could watch the lightning getting closer and closer, as the rain slowly started to fall. It was definitely cool to kick back, drink a beer and just watch mother nature do her thing. I think I connected with nature in a totally different way when I lived in San Diego. There are so many things that I miss about it, but there are also so many things about Chicago that I missed when I lived out there. It feels like I have two homes, and maybe it always will. I know there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want a home, that would like to roam from place to place, see the world, to be free. Admittedly, in the past I’d have to say a big part of that desire came from escapism, but now…not so much. Now, I just think of the experiences to be had, the people to meet, the places to see. And some solitude as I move in between places. Is that still escapism? I don’t think so. And looking at it right now, maybe it wasn’t so much back then either. Maybe it was just what my soul cried out for and since I didn’t honor that part, I judged it for something that it wasn’t. I remember going to a Grateful Dead show one year, and I loved it. I already loved the music and the shows, but something really struck me that year. The way the Dead heads appeared to be like family to one another. The freedom it seemed like they had. The love and peace that I felt. I decided then that I wanted to follow them, that’s what I wanted to do with my life. For a few reasons, that never materialized, it just wasn’t my path. I think it’s very fitting that they are playing again this year, in a year where I feel like I’ve begun to get some of that peace and connection to nature back, some of what I felt all those years ago. Now, in no way do I want to follow them again, even if I could. There are too many other things I want to do in life that are important to me, not to mention my son. But it is food for thought.

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Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

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Irony – 500 Words a Day – Day 21

Isn’t this over yet? I really don’t feel like writing, but here I am. I’d rather be reading and chilling. Not productive, but it’s true. I like to read a good book and do nothing, it’s refreshing to me. Hmmm…

I started to log my food intake today. That something I haven’t done in a long time. In a way I thought I was past that, but I guess not. I also started working out again today. I’m mean, I do a fair amount of acro yoga, which is awesome, but it’s not the same. And it doesn’t feel like it’s an all around workout and that’s something that I want to do. I’ve been missing that. Sooo, I went to a place called Brooklyn Boulders today. It’s a climbing gym. Honestly, when I go I mostly do acro, but they have some decent workout/lifting stuff there, too.

Skipping right along, an ironic thing happened to me today. This morning I was listening to a podcast and they talked about acceptance. But not a kind of acceptance I’ve ever really heard about before. It’s pretty radical, to me at least. They quoted Nietzsche and told a story about Thomas Edison, but the moral to the story was acceptance. It’s not to simply accept things that happen, but to truly embrace them, to actually love everything that happens to you. That’s hard to fathom for me. I’ve gotten past the idea raging against what happens in life, for it can be pretty random, not all of it is “good” and I only feel worse after when I rage about something I can’t really change anyways 

So I feel pretty good about accepting things. I do know it can be said, “Why would you simply accept things? Why wouldn’t you go out and change them?” I had a snotty voice in my head as I wrote that, feel free to use one, too. My answer to those questions is it’s not about that. It’s about accepting the things you can’t change. But that’s another story. 

Here was my life lesson today. Last week I got an email from Brooklyn Boulders. I had filled out a survey a month or two ago and as a result won a month long free membership. Right now free is good for my pocketbook. Do they even have those anymore? Meh, off topic… Anyways, since I had this shiny new free membership, and I’ve been wanting to work out more, I went there today after work. I’ve never been there during the day, and while there is plenty of free parking in the area at night, with the business around, it was all used up during the day. So I paid to park. Screw it. It was only a three bucks and the membership was free, right? 

I get done with my work out and head out to my car. I’m about to start the engine and I look at the windshield and see a ticket. What the actual fuck? I had paid for parking! I was pissed because there must have been a mistake. I was there for an hour and paid for an hour and a half and get a ticket? Nuh-uh. I look at the ticket. I look at my parking slip. Sure enough. I only paid for an hour. Since I was on the phone when I was paying for the parking I screwed up. So much for being mindful. But wait, I was only there for an hour, right? And I paid for an hour. Oh wait. My parking expired at 2:48 pm. What did the ticket read? 2:50 pm. What time was it now? 2:52 pm.

I can see being happy about winning the month long membership. But being happy for having gotten a $60 parking ticket? That’s a harder thing to try and be happy about. I had really liked what that podcast talked about this morning, but I really didn’t want to have to try and put it into practice so soon. Ugh! 

Well, my free membership has now cost me $60. Oh well. I guess I get to write about it. Another interesting thought is that I recently read about an experiment which showed that the future can effect the past. Think about that one for a minute.