Category: mental health

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The Shared Funk

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, whether you recognized it at the time or not, you’ve been a part of the shared funk. You’ve either received funk from your partner or you’ve shared with them some of your own. Most likely you’ve done a little of both. Your day starts off and things are going great when, suddenly, something happens with your partner and everything feels… funky. It could be as extreme as having a death in their family or as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever it is, suddenly, you feel anxious/bad/sad/mad, whatever. Now you have to deal with it.

The shared funk happens for a variety of reasons. Some of us are overly sensitive to other’s moods and some of us have partners who try to put their mood off on us so they don’t have to deal with it. The latter is a whole ‘nother bag of cats, which I may write about at some point. For the rest of us, well, let’s just say that we’re not sociopathic, thus, when someone we love is upset, we sense that and respond. It is how we respond/react that makes all the difference.

The thing is, we are all responsible for our own emotions. That said, logically, it would follow that just because someone we love is having a bad day it doesn’t mean that we need to have a bad day. You may even have a reason to be happy, like a promotion at work. When that happens, you want to be happy, and you are, but you don’t live in a bubble and you need/want to be there to support your partner. At this point, some of us would get mad, because we want to celebrate and our partners are all bummed out! Then we get all “WTF! Get with the program! Don’t ruin this for me!” Oops… Here’s the reality, they didn’t ruin anything. They need to feel their emotions just as you do. You may feel get angry about it. You may feel hurt. You may feel both. But adding to their angst by inappropriately expressing your anger through yelling or name-calling is counterproductive. We don’t control what we feel. So, to clarify, we are responsible for the actions we take when we feel our emotions.

Here’s another secret, you can feel more than one feeling at a time. So when you’re happy and your partner isn’t, although you may feel the anxiety or whatever is bothering them, also remember that you were happy before it started, so, hold on to that feeling. Hold on to the happy! It may be the thing that your partner needs to help pull them out of their funk.

I think it’s hardest for me when my partner is just having an off day and is grumpy for no particular reason. That can be harder to deal with because it’s more subtle. To be honest, I get anxious when my partner is having a bad day. I know that anxiety comes from my own insecurities. I want to know that they love me, that I haven’t royally fucked up and they simply haven’t mentioned it (yet). Since I know how I work, the first question I ask myself is “Did I screw up? Was I insensitive/rude or just a plain old asshole?” Since I’m pretty much perfect *cough, cough* I know that they’re just having a bad day so I need to sit with my anxiety.

And that’s exactly what it sounds like. I feel the anxiety, but don’t necessarily act on it. I tell myself “I’m ok. They’re ok. They’re just going through something.” Now, there is some reaching out and checking in with my partner. I’ll ask “Are you ok? Can I help?” Here’s the catch for a lot of people. If our partners say they’re ok, that we can’t help them, we need to leave it alone. If they lied, that’s their problem and they are the ones causing needless problems in the relationship. If they didn’t, then it’s up to us to give them what they need, and often that’s simply giving them space to process their own emotions. So that’s our job when they’re having a bad day. Check in with them and give them whatever they may need that we are able to provide, whether that is space, a hug, a box of donuts, or pulling up a cute kitten video on the internet.

Like I said earlier, I think giving space is the hardest thing to do for most people. We sense our partner’s pain and we want to soothe it. Or we feel like there is a gap between us and we want to close it. Either way, our partners are not responsible for our emotions. We are. So we need to  find some way to manage our own anxiety. First, acknowledge that it is your anxiety. Then go read a book, play a game, workout. Whatever it is that soothes you, do it. Otherwise, you are adding to your partner’s already funky day instead of helping.

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The Funk

I wish this blog were about “Da funk”, it sounds a lot more fun. But instead it’s about emotion and how we all (ok, how “I”) seem to feel out of sorts from time-to-time. I woke up this morning and had a great day, really. I went to a consulate to apply for my first visa out of the country, I was able to walk around downtown Chicago a bit, I rode the train in and out of the city, and I was able to spend time with my girlfriend doing all of that. There was really nothing that seemed to be bad about today, and yet I feel … I’m not sure how to describe it … Down, blue, out of sorts.

I know this happens every so often, I’ve talked about it before. Usually it’s a blue kinda feeling, but today it was just funk. I didn’t like it, but I also wasn’t sure what to do with its it other than ride it out. So I did. I went home, I took some time for myself and read. My girlfriend suggested we go to the movies and stop at World Market before-hand. I picked up some coffee that I absolutely LOVE, at 30% off I might add. I began to feel better. After dinner I felt so much better, and then I began to think.

I’m a big believer that our emotions must be felt and, if necessary, expressed. For me, I talk to friends a lot, I write here, and I journal. All these things are good ways for me to express how I feel. To let my emotion out of myself and not hold on to it. I held on to my emotions for years and all it got me was more of the same emotion. Once upon a time I had a therapist who asked me what would happen if I gave in to the sadness that I tried for so long to keep at bay. I told him I was afraid that if I gave into the sadness that it would never end. His response? I’ll never forget it … “If you don’t let it out, it never will end.”

That gave me food for thought. A lot of it. Today I try as best I can to just go with whatever emotion I feel. To spend some time and REALLY feel it. It’s a tough line to walk, I’m not gonna lie. It’s tough because there a re times when I just want to give in to the sadness or happiness. To just revel in it and forget about whatever else is going on in life. For instance, when I’m sad I sometimes just want to lay in bed all day, watch Netflix and eat pizza and ice cream. Or when I’m happy I want to spend all day with my friends playing in the park. Neither of those things are inherently bad, but you know what’s not there? Spending time working. Spending time doing things that fulfill me. In some ways they are about distraction. Heck, in many ways they are about distraction.

I know that there are type A personalities out there, those people who just want to, “get it done.” I’m not one of them. I’d rather chill out, relax and hang with my friends. I’ll admit it, I love doing that stuff. But in the end it’s not all that fulfilling. A quote I heard a long time ago was that, “Success is the continuous realization of a worthwhile dream.” That quote was by Dexter Yager, one of Amway’s greatest salespeople. That quote reminds me of what i want to do with my life. I want to inspire people. I want to help others feel better in life. I’ve said before, and I truly mean it, that if I can help one person not go through the crap that I have, if I can help one person improve their life, than I’ll have lived a worthwhile life.

So where does that leave me now? Yes, I’ve been in a funk today. But I don’t have to stay there. I can feel it and move on. For me, a type B personality, what’s the best way to move on? To do something for others. It helps take my focus off myself and it lifts my soul when I see others doing better. As with anything, you get whatever you focus on. if you focus on sadness, anxiety and depression, what do you get more of? Sadness, anxiety and depression. If you focus on love and service, what do you get? satisfaction and joy. That’s what I want to focus on, and that’s what I will focus on.

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Loving Yourself

I received a writing prompt to write about a time you loved yourself. I like the prompt, but I’m going to change it into “when I began to love myself.” I think that when you learn to love yourself only one thing really changes… everything. Loving yourself is not some great big event, but a series of small events, little moments in time, in which you choose loving things for yourself.

My moments started with food. I’ve had a long history of food issues. When I was 15, I was diagnosed and treated for anorexia. It went along with my depression. Everything seemed so out of control, but there was one thing that I could control and that was when and how much I ate. And I often chose not to eat. I also had body dysmorphia, meaning that no matter how much, or how little, I weighed I thought I was overweight. After a while, I got over not eating and proceeded to go the other way. I started to eat too much and began to gain weight. For the next 20 years my weight would fluctuate 25 lbs or so in either direction.

Then, one day, as I drove past the same fast food restaurant for the third time, arguing with myself whether or not I should buy the double burger and fries, I thought “What is the most loving thing I could do for myself?” I realized at that point that buying fast food wasn’t being loving to my body…and more importantly, I realized I wanted to be loving to myself.

I know that it seems like a simple thing and, in a way, it is. But there are other things that went through my mind that day, and subsequent days when I made the same decision to love myself. One is realizing why I wanted the fast food. That day I was stressed, not hungry. I had learned to eat to cover stress because it made me forget about the stress, at least for a little while. I also knew I had other, healthier food choices that I could make. That day I chose to go to a vegan restaurant instead. Yes, I still ate my feelings, but it was arguably less harmful to my body. The important thing was that I came away feeling better about myself and my choice. I didn’t add any shame to my life because of my choices. And, to put it bluntly, the shame cycle is a bitch. You get stressed, you eat poorly to feel better. It works while you’re eating, but then you feel shame for what or how much you just ate. That shame adds more stress and you want to eat again. The trick to get out of that cycle is to remember you are not a bad person, even if you didn’t make the best choice. Perhaps another blog about that later.

So, loving yourself isn’t about making big changes. It’s about making small choices on a daily basis that make you feel better about yourself. A lot of mindfulness is required and, that alone, can take time to develop, but it’s worth it. Just remember, the next time you’re making a decision, ask yourself, “what is the most loving choice I can make for myself,” and make that one. Good luck : )

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A New Pilgrimage

A few months ago I watched a movie called The Way. The movie is about a man who’s son was killed just as he was beginning a pilgrimage in France called “el Camino de Santiago,” or the Way of St James. While he is picking up his son’s ashes, something comes over him and he decides to take the pilgrimage himself and to bring his son’s ashes with him. While on this journey, he decides to scatter his son’s ashes at different spots. He meets new people, some of which join him on his journey, others merely flit in and then out again, like shooting stars in the night sky. It’s a great movie and I found it truly inspiring for a variety of reasons.

One reason is that I feel as though I’ve always been on a pilgrimage of some sort or an other. I’ve always been a thinker of things, looking for something, trying to explain life. Or at least my life. I realize that what I’m looking for is internal, though I’ve certainly looked for it in external things. Alcohol, drugs, music, sex, you name it, I’ve pretty much tried it. But aren’t we all looking for something? Could be. Sometimes it seems to me like a lot of people aren’t looking for anything. Or perhaps they have already found it. Or maybe they’ve given up. I feel like I’ve always had questions about life, that I wanted to know more. But I’ve limited myself. I decided earlier this year that I wanted to travel more and that I’d start this year. It’s important to me, important to my life that it happens. I realize that I’m at a crossroads in my life and I find it funny because, even though I’m at a crossroads, it feels like there is really only one path for me to take, the one that leads to growth and change. So far this year I’ve already taken two trips to San Diego, which were great, but I lived there for so long it’s like going home, it’s not the same. I also took a trip to Florida to visit my parents. Once again, great, but not new.

I’ll admit it. I want to travel to places to which I’ve already been. Some of them are places that I went when I was a child and I want to see them with adult eyes, and maybe introduce my son to them as well. There’s some nostalgia there, but for some reason I feel like going to an old place first will help jump start me to visiting new places. And I want to see new places in the world, and, even more important, I want my son to see them. I want him to know that there is more to life than what’s in the U.S. I want him to know there is a great big world out there and, really, our job is to try and make that world a better place. I have fears and I have dreams. I have spent a lot of my life ruled by my fears and it’s gotten me to where I am. It’s not a bad place, it’s been a struggle at times. There have been good times, some not so good. I’ve grown and changed. Haven’t we all? But I still feel like there is more to this world and I want to see it. I want to show that world to my son. But in order to do that, I need to be able to see it myself. And to truly do that, I need to grow.

One of the things I found so amazing about The Way is that I had never heard of Camino de Santiago. I had heard about the Appalachian Trail, the Pacific Crest Trail, and many smaller trails throughout America, but not about the Camino de Santiago. It made me realize how little of this world I really know. After all these years, I have finally just began to see how sheltered I’ve been. I’m a middle-age, middle-class, white male who lives in America. I am the epitome of privilege. I’ve spent part of my life being ashamed of that reality and part of my life accepting it. I can’t change what I am, but I can try and change how I see things. I can try and see things from other people’s perspectives, to understand their perspective. I see travel as one way to help me do that…while also accepting the very real fact that being able to travel itself is a privilege. Down the rabbit hole we go… I guess what I’m really getting at is that the best way I know how to change the world is to try and be a better person and to try to raise my son to be a better person as well. I know that there are many ways to do that, that travel is just one of them, but it’s a journey I plan to begin.

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Coming Apart at the Seams

There are days, days like today, where some moments I feel like the Grinch whose, “small heart grew three sizes that day.” Then a whipsaw runs through my heart and tears it into pieces… which once again grow. As those pieces grow, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams and I don’t know how I can possibly contain both the love and heartache that I feel. I want to somehow hold onto my Self, to be sheltered and safe. But I refuse to hold back my own growth. I want to be a better man, for me, for my son, but also because I am in love. I haven’t told her yet, I hesitated. I’m afraid. While I understand that fear can rip things apart, it’s tough to get those old wounds out of the way. I wish I could go back in time and meet this woman as the fresh-faced young man I was. I can’t, and that’s ok. Who I am now is a summary of those experiences. It’s made me who and what I am, hurts, joys, warts and all. So I hesitated, the moment was lost. Now I wait for the “right” time. When is that? Who the fuck knows? I don’t want it to be cheap and I don’t want it to be forced. That last one should be easy, there are so moments during a conversation with her that I feel love. She’s beautiful, inside and out. I know she’s not perfect, and she’s made it clear she’s difficult. Fact is, I haven’t really seen that side of her yet. I’m sure it’s true, shit who isn’t difficult from time to time? But the truth is, it’s been easy. At least easy with her.

I find I have to remind myself to get out of the way, to let it be easy and don’t complicate things. To know when I need to speak my truth, yet be aware when silence is best. Why is that so hard? As I’ve gotten older I’ve found it easier to find that line and I’m grateful to be able to see that growth in me. In the past, I’ve more often been in trouble for the things I don’t say, than the things I do say. That sometimes feels like a character flaw, but is it? Or is it simply my nature, to be more reserved? Let’s call it two sides of the same coin. That I’m naturally more reserved, but can quickly move into being shut down. My own version of “out of control” looks very controlled. It has taken me a lot to get to the point where I don’t shut down when things get tough/stressful in a relationship. I think that shutting down may be part of being an introvert. I need time to process and work things through on my own, without being bothered. I feel like the need I have to process things is accepted in this relationship, instead of just tolerated. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s a big one. Which is another reason for the love I feel.

The other side of what I currently feel comes from having made the decision to find my dog a new home. It feels horrible, like I’ve failed him, like I’m a failure. Part of the feeling comes from a belief I held that there was no good reason to give an animal up, that once you welcomed them into your home they were your responsibility, your family. I guess the truth is I’ve judged people  who gave up their animals. And once I found myself in the position where I had to make the choice to find a new home for my dog, I began to judge myself. I still do think there are good reasons and bad reasons to give up an animal, but the truth is, you can’t judge a decision until you’ve been in the situation yourself. And never say never. Never is an absolute, like always. It’s funny that I see couples talk that way to each other, usually in frustration, “You never take out the trash,” or “You always nag me.” Those examples of not using never and always I can see, I can understand. It would appear there are other areas in life where you shouldn’t use never or always. At least, that’s what I’m learning.

While I don’t like to admit it, there is a part of me that has judged others. The funny thing about judgment is that if you judge others, you most likely also judge yourself. We are our own worst critics, right? But that’s a hard way to live, believe me. I’ve had a lot of practice in not judging, and I’ve gotten a lot better over the years. It’s hard not to judge. We see other people who are better looking, have better grades in school, make more money or have the “perfect” family. So we compare, and sometimes we judge. There is a difference, you know. You’re comparing if you can sit back and not be emotionally involved. It’s simply looking at facts. But when you tie emotion or worth to that comparison, it becomes judgment.

I’m not sure where judgment comes from, whether it’s inherent within us, part of our culture, or simply handed down from our parents. I do know that I see it a lot. I see it in our tabloids, I see it in our cultural race and gender arguments. I see it when someone types FOMO (fear of missing out). I don’t like it when I see it in myself, but I’ve always judged myself pretty harshly : ) What I do know is that I can work to make the world a better place simply by not judging myself. If I can accept myself as I am, I’ll be better able to accept others as they are.

When I started writing this, I’ll be honest and say I had no idea where it was going to go. I just knew I had these emotions within me, that I had something to say. It’s amazing to me how somethings come together, for it seems to me that with less judgment, there is room for more peace and love in my life. I’ll take it.

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First School Play

My son’s first play turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. As a matter of fact, I didn’t expect it to be hard at all, but it was emotional. To be there, so close, but still separated. My ex doesn’t want me around, she barely speaks to me unless necessary. So I’m sitting two rows back from my son as he plays with my ex, her mom, her brother and some other of her friends before the show. I’m alone and it’s painful to be near him, but not actually with him. But I’m here and willing to go through that pain because it’s not about me, it’s about him. My wonderful son. He’s awesome and adorable. I guess like anyone would describe their kids, but he’s mine so he’s special to me. I sit here with tears in my eyes. I can finally see why some divorced men would avoid this, it feels like failure. Like I’m failing to raise my son. I’m trying, but right now, in this moment, this is as far as I can get. I suppose I could force myself into the situation, but is it worth the hell I’ll get from my ex? I don’t know, because it will be hell. So I endure. I feel like there’s a bubble in my chest that’s about to burst, and if it does, the tears will flow. So I hold it together.

I watch my son jump into his mom’s lap and she gives him a raspberry on his cheek. He loves her and I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to take that relationship away from him, it’s important. At the same time I feel like part of that is being taken away from me.

Pain turns to anger. I feel like I’m being pushed to the sidelines of my son’s life. Is this what it’s going to be like as my son grows up? Always watching from the outside because his mom doesn’t want me near? I breathe through the anger. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m there for him when he needs me. I’m here, I’ve let him know. His need of emotional support is more important than my desire to not feel emotional pain. I’ve learned how to manage my emotions as an adult. Now is the time to help him, to be there for him. To the best of my ability I will ALWAYS be there for him. I can’t hold onto the anger. I won’t. It’s toxic. I have more important things/places to put my energy. Holding onto anger is toxic for me and I won’t live there. I will choose love. I will love my son, I will love my friends and family. To the best of my ability, I will even try to love my ex. That’s a tough one, but I’ll try. I’ll try because it’s not about me, it’s about a small child I chose to help bring into this world. My child. My son. I’ll do it because he’s worth it, and love is the answer.

My son’s part of the play ends. I’m so proud of him. He was singing so loud I could hear him over the other kids. I don’t know if I’m supposed to or not, but I’m proud of him all the same. I watch as my son runs back to his mom and gives her a hug. Then something amazing happens.

My son looks to the back and says, “Daddy? Dad? Where’s my dad?” I raise my voice over the crowd and say, “Right here, buddy!” He sees me and his face lights up. He runs the two rows back and gives me a big hug. I hug back and tell him he did a great job, that he should be proud of himself. He jumps into my lap, his back snuggled against my chest. I wrap my arms around him, letting my cheek rest softly against the top of his head and we watch some more of the play. This is why I come and sit through my own discomfort. If I weren’t able to shift through my own emotions, to deal with them in a healthy manner, I would have missed out on this moment.

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Sick – 500 Words a Day – Day 29

Wow, is it really day 29? Only one more day to go. I wanted to skip today because I’ve been at home sick. On the other hand, I slept all day and find myself somewhat awake, so after spending 20 minutes on FB, I decided that I had to write today. It’s a weird feeling because I really don’t want to be doing this, but it seems more like habit than anything else at this point. Not that it’s a bad thing, just unusual. I really do feel like crap. Time for more EmergenC and zinc. Those are my go to’s when I feel bad. It usually gets me pst any feelings of sick in a day or so but right now, after a day in bed, I feel worse. I don’t get sick that often, my feeling is that in general I take care of myself, eating fairly well, with some slips, and working out regularly. I’ve noticed in the past that my depression creeps up when I get sick, or at least the feelings of sadness can creep up. I don’t feel that this time, but it’s happened enough in the past that I’ve wondered if some of my “sicknesses” have had a spiritual aspect to them. When I say that I mean if I’m depressed, am I more prone to being sick? Or do I simply not have the will to fight through being sick? I don’t really know about that, just thoughts that have crossed my mind. And I’ve noticed the pattern in others, too. Friends who seem to struggle with depression and isolating seem to get sick more frequently than those who don’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to be around me and tell me they are sick to get out of hanging out? Could be lol.

I do know that today I’m sick. And I can tell because I really wanted to do some acro at the beach tonight, followed by listening in on the Mumford and Sons concert at Montrose Beach. Instead, I’m laying in bed, sometimes freezing, sometimes sweating and typing this out. I’m definitely sick. And thirsty. I’ll be right back…

OK, one problem solved. But now I have not one, but two 65+ lb dogs on my bed vying for attention. It’s hard enough to type when one dog keeps dropping a rope in your lap to throw for them, but it’s almost impossible when another one has their head in your lap, too. I happen to love dogs, and it’s rare that Sarah, the other dog, comes up to visit. 417 words.

I’ve considered doing the prompt that was suggested back on day 13 or something. It was what would someone see if they looked through your window for 24 hours, but I’m still not sure. My rebel side says hell no, but it would be kind of fun, too. One more day to chime in, so I guess we’ll see if I’m up to it tomorrow. Hoping I won’t be sick, but right now laying in bed and sleeping sounds great. And I want to get over this sick thing ASAP, it’s my birthday Saturday 🙂

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Self Acceptance – 500 Words a Day – Day 27

Confession, I have a poor body image. For most of my life I’ve hated one thing or another about my body, seemingly always wishing something was different. When I was a kid in junior high, I always thought I was too tall. I sprouted early and was 5’11” in 7th grade. At the time, all I wanted to do was blend in and not be noticed. I can probably blame some of that on my introvertedness, but it was still there. By the time I was in high school, I felt I was too skinny and that my arms were too thin. In some ways I was ok with that, but it did bother me. When I went to college I started drinking more and put on the freshman 15 and sophomore 30. At that point, I started to feel like I was over weight. I began to work out and restricted my food intake. I went from a fairly healthy 180 lbs to 165 lbs, sometimes working out for 3 hours a day. A quick note on the weight, I’m also just shy of 6’2″. And even as I’m writing this, I don’t think any of the weights matter, what really matters is how I felt about it. Throughout my life I’ve battled with things I don’t like about myself, mainly weight, but I was also self conscious about other things. Can you be self conscious about being self conscious? I think so lol. For a time I had a mentor in my life and he had me stand naked in front of the mirror and just look at myself. It was a weird experience. I noticed now much I tended to focus on the extra weight around my stomach, and how much I hated it. I focused so much on it that I never really noticed other things about myself, until that day. As I stood there in front of the mirror I noticed something that amazed me. My eyes are hazel. Or more distinctly, my eyes are both green and brown. Depending on the day and my surroundings one or the other is more obvious. I was in my mid-30’s and had never noticed that before. My drivers license even said brown. When I got it at 16 the woman asked my the color of my eyes and I told her brown. She started to say they were more of a… I cut her off and told her to put brown. Apparently I was enough of a dick that she didn’t argue and just put brown. So there I am, 30 something, standing naked in front of the mirror and I realize my eyes are hazel. That was a pretty amazing moment. Today, I really like my eye color. I’ve heard it can change as you get older, but I hope it doesn’t.

I’d like to say as I looked in the mirror that day that I accepted everything about myself that I previously hated, but that wouldn’t be true. I still work on accepting things. The current thing I’m working on is my hair. I’ve always hated it, in case you haven’t caught on to the theme. It seemed too curly, and would never do anything I wanted it to. Many women have told me they would love to have my hair, but I’m a guy, and I think it just looks bad when it’s longer than finger length. And that’s how long it’s been for close to 20 years. Until now. Right now my hair is the longest it’s been since I was in college. And I’m growing it longer. I hope it looks OK, but in the end it really doesn’t matter. The idea is to accept it and just go with the flow. I think the confidence to accept it, and rock it, will make all the difference in whether it looks good or not. At least that’s the theory.

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Angst – 500 Words a Day – Day 24

Wow, the days are rolling by and almost to day 30, so crazy. It’s seemed like  a long 24 days so far, but there is less than a week to go. Yay! And from what I read earlier, there may be another experiment on the horizon. All good. I like to be challenged in life, and I appreciate those who, respectfully, challenge me to become better. I say respectfully because if someone straight out challenges me and is a dick about it, then I’m most likely to ignore them, tell them to go to hell, think they’re stupid, take your pick really. I just don’t get along with those kind of people. That said, I’m feeling angsty today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe Mercury is in retrograde, maybe it’s just my turn. Just in general I don’t know. Which is weird, because I’m usually  fairly in tune with my feelings. I do feel like I need some alone time. Some time to chill and recharge. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how much of an introvert I really am. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, and once I did, I didn’t value it. Today, I can say that I tend towards the introverted side and I accept that. What’s more, I kinda like it. I think there is something to be said about embracing who you are. It’s quite freeing. For instance, the more I’ve accepted my introversion, the more I’ve felt free to act in ways that aren’t so introverted. It’s been a good ride. Over the past few weeks…ok months…I’ve been reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s been a really good read. It helped me understand more about myself, but also about introverts and our society. In general introverts have been devalued and that’s something that I’ve felt all my life, from school, to work, to my failed marriage.

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It’s kinda weird to see how much that has been part of my life and how I didn’t notice. For a long time I just thought I was quieter than many other people. At least in groups of people I didn’t know that well. When I get with people I do know and that I’m comfortable with, well, then I don’t stop talking. Oh well. How many words now???? 401. Wait. Is this not counting numbers? 407. Crap it doesn’t seem to be. Grrrr. I guess that’s good to know…

Anyhoo, just taking up space now, so feel free to stop reading. You’ll only miss the great revelation at the end. But that’s up to you…

I’ve got my son for the weekend. That’s aways cool. I remember the last weekend I had him, I felt so guilty to take the time out and write, and he was wondering how long I’d be. It was actually pretty tough to just get done. Now, I told him I had some writing to do and he was like, “OK.” End of story. It was pretty cool to experience. Maybe we’ve both grown…

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Talk to Me – 500 Words a Day – Day 13

People don’t talk to me. Or let me clarify, strangers don’t talk to me. They talk to the people I’m with when I’m out, but usually not to me. I think part of it is my, “Leave me the fuck alone sign,” that I used to carry around. I’ve written about it before, and no, it’s not a real sign. It was simply a fear of other people. It got to a point where I didn’t want to talk to them. I wanted them to leave me alone because I was shy and didn’t know what to say to them, so I put off the “leave me alone” vibe. And they did.

I’m also kind of shy, and can be a little naive. Oddly, I’m OK with that. If I had been less shy I think I would have gotten into more trouble when I was growing up. At least around women. Along with noting people didn’t talk to me, women don’t hit on me. People tend not to believe me when I say that, but I can think of less than a dozen times that women have hit on me. And really only 5 or 6 that were overt enough for me to notice. Like the time I spoke to a woman who had a shop at the local farmers market. After talking for a few minutes about life as she brewed some tea for me, she wrote her phone number on the back of her business card and handed it to me. I said thank you, grabbed my tea, smiled and walked away. At the time, I thought it was odd she didn’t have her business number printed on her cards, that it must be a pain to have to write it down all the time. It wasn’t until 5-10 minutes later I realized what had happened. Yep, I’m quick.

While that shyness was all encompassing when I was younger, I’ve mostly gotten over it. Now it only crops up when I’m around a woman I’m attracted to. Yay me.

Years ago someone told me he was nervous to talk to me when he first met me. This from a successful man about 10 years older than I. The reason he gave me for being nervous was that I didn’t talk that much, nor did I smile a lot. I’ll be honest, what he told me threw me off a little. I’ve never been the most out going person, I’m definitely more introverted, but I thought I was approachable. I thought I was approachable because I felt like a nice person on the inside, and who wouldn’t want to talk to a nice person? It was an eye opening experience.

In the end, that was a lesson of how people experience me. I try to smile more now, it’s simply another part of being self aware. I also try to laugh and joke with people, to try and put them at ease. Even when I’m too uncomfortable to talk, I try to smile more. To put off the happy-but-quiet-guy vibe. I think I do a good job of it. Then again, maybe they simply think I have no clue what’s going on. And they may be right…