Author: Mark V

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Talk to Me – 500 Words a Day – Day 13

People don’t talk to me. Or let me clarify, strangers don’t talk to me. They talk to the people I’m with when I’m out, but usually not to me. I think part of it is my, “Leave me the fuck alone sign,” that I used to carry around. I’ve written about it before, and no, it’s not a real sign. It was simply a fear of other people. It got to a point where I didn’t want to talk to them. I wanted them to leave me alone because I was shy and didn’t know what to say to them, so I put off the “leave me alone” vibe. And they did.

I’m also kind of shy, and can be a little naive. Oddly, I’m OK with that. If I had been less shy I think I would have gotten into more trouble when I was growing up. At least around women. Along with noting people didn’t talk to me, women don’t hit on me. People tend not to believe me when I say that, but I can think of less than a dozen times that women have hit on me. And really only 5 or 6 that were overt enough for me to notice. Like the time I spoke to a woman who had a shop at the local farmers market. After talking for a few minutes about life as she brewed some tea for me, she wrote her phone number on the back of her business card and handed it to me. I said thank you, grabbed my tea, smiled and walked away. At the time, I thought it was odd she didn’t have her business number printed on her cards, that it must be a pain to have to write it down all the time. It wasn’t until 5-10 minutes later I realized what had happened. Yep, I’m quick.

While that shyness was all encompassing when I was younger, I’ve mostly gotten over it. Now it only crops up when I’m around a woman I’m attracted to. Yay me.

Years ago someone told me he was nervous to talk to me when he first met me. This from a successful man about 10 years older than I. The reason he gave me for being nervous was that I didn’t talk that much, nor did I smile a lot. I’ll be honest, what he told me threw me off a little. I’ve never been the most out going person, I’m definitely more introverted, but I thought I was approachable. I thought I was approachable because I felt like a nice person on the inside, and who wouldn’t want to talk to a nice person? It was an eye opening experience.

In the end, that was a lesson of how people experience me. I try to smile more now, it’s simply another part of being self aware. I also try to laugh and joke with people, to try and put them at ease. Even when I’m too uncomfortable to talk, I try to smile more. To put off the happy-but-quiet-guy vibe. I think I do a good job of it. Then again, maybe they simply think I have no clue what’s going on. And they may be right…

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Another Fine Day – 500 Words a Day – Day 12

I had a really great weekend with my son. I love spending time with him and truly cherish all the times we have together, but I really felt connected to him this weekend. I felt like I set a few more boundaries for him this weekend. I know kids do well with boundaries, but could that really be it? My roommate also noted we didn’t play any video games this weekend. But we don’t usually play a lot of games anyway. We did go to a yoga festival together. Or rather, I dragged him there while he asked why we had to go, for the entire drive. And by the time we got there the temperature had dropped almost 20 degrees and it was raining. We stayed about 20 minutes and then left to grab food with some friends.

Side note – I’m typing this on my iPad and I just realized the program I use doesn’t appear to have a word count on it…so no guarantees this is going to be 500 words, ’cause I ain’t counting. Just saying. 

So back to it. I felt very connected to my son, and maybe I shouldn’t analyze. Just enjoy. Maybe that’s one of things about being present and mindful, to simply let things be and enjoy. To truly be in the moment. I know I loved it. And I think my son did, too. How do I know? Because when he left he burst into tears. Kinda weird right? But kids don’t have any other way to express themselves. They don’t know how to say, ‘I’m going to miss you’ or ‘I’m sad.’ They just know they are sad and they express their emotions. They are in the moment. They are being present and true to their emotions. What a world it would be if we could all do that. Well, maybe not burst into tears whenever we were sad. But what if it were socially acceptable to do so. That when we were feeling sad we could simply cry. And someone who loved us would hold us close and tell us it was going to be alright. 

Instead we, especially men, choke it down. The emotions start in our stomach, wells up through our chest, into our throats and we…we choke it down. We swallow it. We say ‘It doesn’t matter,’ or ‘I’ll be ok.’ Bullshit. I see people every day who have been swallowing the hurt, the pain. I’ve done it myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel the hurt that others caused me. Then, one day, someone asked me why I didn’t let it out. My reply was, ‘Because I’m afraid that if I start to let it out, that it will never end.’ His reply? ‘If you don’t let it out, it never will end.’ 

So I guess my message for the day it, let it out. Find someone who you trust, and let go. Or head out into the woods somewhere and sceam and yell. Just let it go. Like Elsa…

Weird this is where I ended up, but I guess that’s what it is. The message for the day? Work on being. Whatever you’re feeling, feel it. Surround yourself with loving people who care for you. Be true to who you are. Isn’t that what every inspirational blog says? Guess I’m not that original.. Oh well, that’s who I am. And with that, I love you all and good night 🙂

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Inspiration – 500 Words a Day – Day 11

Inspiration. What is it? Where does it come from? How do we inspire others? How do we inspire ourselves? I was thinking about this last night as I was typing “f f f f” to meet my 500 word quota. And I don’t like the word quota because it implies this writing is something I “have” to do, and I don’t find that very inspiring.

Back to the topic.

I was thinking about this topic because I wasn’t feeling very inspired when I was trying to write last night. I felt plenty inspired throughout the day and came up with several topics I wanted to write on, but then I sat down to write and…nothing. While I realize this experiment is all about writing even when you don’t feel like it, I’ve been getting frustrated because I’ve been inspired to write more. Let me explain that. I get inspired to write more often, several times a day actually, but I don’t have the time in my schedule to sit down at that moment and write. And that has happened for several days in a row now.

Even now. As I sit writing this, my son is watching TV. I don’t really have any issue with him watching TV, but I do feel a twist-your-guts-into-knots guilt that I’m not hanging with him. On the other hand, I also want to set an example for him to do what he loves, and to make time for doing what he loves. It’s a lesson I’m still struggling to learn and I’d like him to learn it earlier in life. Am I his inspiration? Or is he mine? Children can be funny like that. So can life.

I do know what I find inspiring. Words. Quotes that make me think about life in a positive way. Words that enlighten me. Pictures of people doing amazing things. Things that I only dream about, but also could see myself doing. Seems like a funny combination. What else? Beauty. A beautiful scene of nature. A picture of a beautiful woman. And a picture of a beautiful woman, doing amazing things, out in nature with some inspiring words on it? Well, that gets me all kinds of inspired.

That’s what this blog is really about. Inspiration. To inspire others the way others have inspired me. But I also want it to be real. I don’t travel the world. I no longer live near a beautiful beach. I’m not a great photographer.

And yet I still see beauty all around me. I try and document what I see. I try and get my thoughts out, because I do think about some great shit. So here I am, putting some writing out there. Inspiring? I don’t know, you’ll have to tell me. But I do know it’s honest and true.

I like that, too. I guess that’s another thing I find inspiring. People who can be honest about their lives. Those who are living lives that aren’t all beer and skittles, but who are still willing to share their lives, their struggles. That’s what life is all about, to be willing to live life through all our struggles. To share these struggles with others, to be able to say, “I went through this tough physical/emotional/mental time and I…lived.” To pass that message on to others who may be going through a similar time, who may be about to give up. That’s what inspiration is all about.

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Nothing to See Here -500 Words a Day – Day 10

It’s part of the rules. No really… #500wordsaday

F f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f

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Time – 500 Words a Day – Day 9

I wish I had more time in my day/life. Though, in reality, I’m not sure that would help. I have a tendency to fill up my days with things I have to do rather than things I want to do. On the one hand, that kinda seems like what life is, and that I should simply accept that. On the other hand, I don’t accept it at all. I feel like there is a way to design my life so that I can do what I want when I want. That said, here’s a snap shot of a perfect day for me. I wrote most of this a few weeks ago as part of a business planning exercise. It’s a work in progress, and I think it will always be a work in progress. I know a year ago this would have looked much different. Actually, it looked different a few weeks ago since I went and changed some things today. That’s partly me because I change what I like/want. And partly because I know more about what’s possible.

To be honest, I kinda want to do a perfect week, because I don’t want to do the same thing day in, day out. I’ve done that for a long time now and I pretty much hate it. It feels like it’s slowly killing my soul. But I think I’ll have to get to that later. So here goes…

I wake up at …… a little after the sun rises. I meditate for a while and have some tea. Relaxing in my loft, I look out over the city. I walk 5 minutes with my dog, Remy, to my holistic health center, Revel Living, where I take one of the morning yoga classes. Tomorrow morning I’ll be going over details of the center with my partner, and planning the next weekend seminar at Revel’s retreat/organic farm in Michigan. We’ll also discuss plans for the yearly retreat to San Diego.

This morning, however, is dedicated to writing for my blog. I’ll also  spend some time developing my curriculum for the 12 week couple’s series that starts next month. It’s about how to deepen trust and communication in a relationship.

I see clients in the afternoon, from about 1-6 today. This varies since I head out to the ‘burbs some days for dinner with my son. For today, I use several different techniques, some meditation and yoga, but I also pull out the kickboxing pads to use with one of my clients. I find he talks better when a good workout is added to the therapy session. Remy also comes in handy today, as he works his therapy dog magic with another client.

This evening I spend a couple hours working on the choreograph with my acro partner for our next performance. My evenings do vary. Sometimes I do Muay Thai workouts at the gym down the street. Other times I spend dinner with my son. I get to bed around ten, excited for what comes tomorrow. While I’m always excited for the next day, I especially am today because tomorrow is Friday and I always take Friday’s off.

 

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Almost Forgot – 500 Words a Day – Day 8

I did have something I wanted to write, I really did. But then I forgot about posting, got side tracked with stuff and here I am. More bull shit. I had a pretty good day today, a good day with clients. At least I felt that way, not sure how they felt. I do feel blessed when someone, who is essentially a stranger, will tell me their problems. They will let me know what’s going on with them when they don’t feel comfortable enough or safe enough to let their friends and family know. It makes me feel honored. And when one of them tells me they feel safe with me or that I ask them good questions, I feel even more blessed to be doing what I’m doing.

I think it’s funny that I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I was in high school. I know I had such a hard time and really did want to die at one point. I thought that if I could help just one person not have to go through what I did, then it would be worth it. I like to think that’s happened, I don’t really know for sure. There’s a part of me that intellectually knows that I have helped some people in my life, whether clients or friends. But there’s that other part of me that doubts. The part of me that needs reassurance. The part that hopes people will read this and flood my comments section with, “Yes, Mark! You helped me. You made a difference in my life!”

I don’t know what it is about me that needs that reassurance. I’d like to think that I’m OK just being myself and taking subtle cues from others. Like when they thank me for my advice. And I suppose that is enough, but my ego still wants more.

Weird, I just remember what I wanted to write about and that was relationships and the women who have been in my life. Or even about dating, which is so weird when you’re in you’re 40’s. Just sayin’. But I am going to keep all that for another time. Right now I’m just taking up space.

Stream of thought writing, Oooo, shiny….

I guess even though I like to feel I’m strong, I don’t feel that way a lot. I have doubts, I have weaknesses. I used to be so afraid of people, and I still have trouble talking to people I don’t know. But in my past, in my fear, I used to put off a vibe. When I realized what kind of vibe I was putting off, solely because I was afraid, I labeled it. I had my, “Fuck you, leave me alone,” sign. It was an invisible sign, but the effect was the same. People left me alone. They still do, even though it’s not as bad. But, in general, people don’t talk to me. Or at least they don’t start conversations with me. I try to be aware of it, but it was such a part of me for so long I don’t often know I have it up until it’s been there for a while. Every once in a while I’ll be in a great mood and people will randomly talk to me. It kind of startles me when they do, but when I’m in a good mood nothing can really change it.

So here’s another dichotomy in my life. I love people, I love to talk to people and help them with their problems. That’s even my job. But I’m pretty shy and I am not comfortable with someone until I get to know them. So, if you see me and I don’t say “hi,” no offense meant. I just have no idea what to say. Unless I really don’t like you, but that’s pretty rare…

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My Life – 500 Words a Day – Day 7

There is so much that I thought about writing today. I came up with about 5 topics throughout the day, and it’s kinda hard to chose one, but I think I’ll go with…armageddon. Saw that one coming, didn’t ya??

For the longest time I’ve thought that nuclear war, or some other type of global disaster, would in some ways, be a great thing. I think that’s why I am so interested in post-apocalyptic books, movies and TV shows. Books and movies like Hunger Games and Divergent completely fascinate me. It’s the idea of living on your own, living off the land and being challenged in a way that is completely foreign to me.

Of course, in these day dreams I’m a total bad ass. I’m one of the survivors of the zombie apocalypse. Just me and my dog walking through the forest, looking for other survivors. Killing those who want to take what’s mine and saving those who need it. I’d have a gun, maybe two, and a sword. Definitely a sword.

Honestly, I think these day dreams appeal to both my romantic side and my introverted side. The romantic side sees it as time to spend with people, to find and care for those I love. The introvert side sees it as time away from large groups of people, to get back to nature and get in touch with it. It’s the side of me that wants to hike the Appalachian Trail. The side that admires my friend, Adrian, who is currently riding his bike across the country. For anyone interested, here’s his blog, it’s worth a read.

But what is it really that appeals to me?  There may be a little escapism going on, I’ll admit that. But I do really want to get away from a lot of the crap our society puts out there. I long to grow my own healthy, organic, non-GMO food. To collect rain water and reduce my carbon foot print. To live simply and to live with the natural rhythms of the world. I don’t really want to get away from people, but I do want to gather a small group of like minded people around me. Those who are interested in bettering themselves and the world. To make it a better and more beautiful place to live.

I’ve always been a hippie at heart. I want to walk in the woods and climb a tree. I want to walk barefoot through the grass and dirt, let the rain fall on me and dance, just out of pure joy. I believe in peace and love, and I’d like to see more of it in our world.

Over the past few years I’ve been developing a vision for my life, and it’s been growing. I love the idea of city living, but I also realize I need to get away from it all, and on a regular basis. I’m still working out how it can be done and what it will look like. Truthfully, it gets added to fairly often. But I do know I’m on the path to something that will be great. And I’m fairly certain it won’t be armageddon.

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Acceptance of Self – 500 Words a Day for 30 Days

Another day to write and blog. Another day of bullshit. And I wanted to capitalize the bullshit part. Not sure why. I can journal, I can blog, but I feel like I need to journal about something worthwhile, something earth shattering. What is it about me that wants to do that? That isn’t satisfied with less? It’s a judgement on myself, that’s for sure. Could that also be a self victimization? Possibly. It’s also a lack of self acceptance. To do something, and not be OK with doing it where you are at in life, is a lack of self acceptance. So what would radical self acceptance look like?? I have no idea. The idea sounds great, and I feel like I’ve been able to have some sort of self acceptance in my own life. But what does it mean to truly accept yourself for who you are? I’ve heard it said that the toughest thing in life is to discover who you truly are. And the next toughest is to accept that. I feel I understand that, and believe it. It’s been a tough journey to get where I’m at, but it’s been good one. Part of my journey has been being interrelationships with people who don’t accept me for who I am. Either I’m too nice, too passive, too old, or too what?? I don’t know, seems like there’s always something. In the end maybe too worried about not being in a relationship and accepted for who I am. Well, it’s been true so far, so I guess that’s not an unfounded fear. It does tell me something about myself, but I think that’s for another post. So where was I?? Acceptance. No judgement, but I realized that for the first four days of this experiment I titled everything a little different. Now that I’ve come up with a way that I like, my light OCD wants me to go back and “correct” the titles that I’ve done so far. Is that stronger than the “fuck it” part of my personality? Who knows? Looks like that’s TBD. And look at me, I wrote “TDB” instead of spelling it out. If I really wanted to use up words and have to write less I would have said “To be determined.” Ha! See what I did there? I knew I couldn’t get one over on you…

Soooooo, no idea where I’m t or where I’m going. I have realized that yoga hasn’t been a part of my life for the past few months. I don’t like that. I need yoga in my life for a variety of reasons. Which means I need to find a way to get start doing it again. Part of the reason is my job. I love the job but the commute I now have is an hour minimum, and two hours at the wort. So basically I spend 12 hours a week in my car. That fucking sucks for someone who feels live/work balance is extremely important. And that really cuts down on the workouts I would like to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still do acro yoga several times a week. It’s an awesome workout, but it’s not yoga, it’s not kickboxing. I love it, but I love, and need other things join my life. That’s an interesting thought. How do we make time in our schedules to do the things we love? I feel like I love so many things and I end up dabbling. I’m a jack of all trades, but master of none. In some respects I’m OK with that. I appreciate being interested in a lot of different things. I just wish I had time to do them all. How to figure that out…

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I Don’t Want To This – 500 Words a day for 30 Days

I’ll be honest, I don’t want to write today. And the thought of having to write 500 words seems insurmountable. I intellectually know it’s not, apparently I’m just in a funk. But fuck it, I’m doing it. It’s weird, I’ve been thinking about this all day and been putting it off. I decided earlier, that I would wait until my son was asleep and then write, so that’s what I’m doing. And no it’s all bull shit. Weird, but I’ve been anxious about it, too. My stomach feels like there’s worms crawling around inside, trying to get out one way or another. I’m stressed. SO funny that something that is in reality, bullshit, could be something I could get so stressed out over. But I think it’s more than that. I set out to do something, and I do think it’s important. Not because of people who might judge me for stopping, but because I want to prove something to myself. I’ve always been one to do what I want, regardless of what other people think. Scratch that. What most people think. In reality I have a hard time being myself and doing what I want when Im in a relationship. When that happens I tend to think too much of hat the other person does, says, thinks. I do less of what I want and more of what I think they want. Just in my nature. Fuck, only 216 words so far…well, more now. I love that my blog counts them for me. That makes it a lot easier for me. My dog just poked his nose out from between the curtains to where my bed is. I’m going to use that pic for this blog post. I think it’s cute. Maybe that will get some people to read this blog. Bait and switch. Hahahaha. To all who got sucked into reading this BS because of a cute pic, my apologies. 318 words now. I really am feeling uninspired right now. So you get to read a BS journal entry instead of a useful blog. There I go, judging myself for what I’m putting out there. I don’t like to do that, it’s not helpful in any sense of the word, nor do I feel it’s healthy. Guess that’s another area I need to work on. So, somewhat of a topic change, but tomorrow I will do a better job. God. Scary to say, to put out there. Today my excuse was that I have my son, that I get so little time with him that I’d rather spend it with him that doing a stupid “experiment.” There’s some truth to that, but there’s also more to it. How many times do I come up with a good “excuse?” How many times do you? It’s easy to find excuses to not do the things we want. Its harder to follow through on things that are beneficial but not urgent. So here I am, writing. Tomorrow is a new day, and today is done. 501.

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500 Words Day Four – The Dark

I don’t talk about my depression much, except to some few trusted people. I fear people will misunderstand, and I’m not sure they can understand how deep and dark my depression has been. Maybe they can’t, and that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve been on this earth for 42 years and I’ve spent 15-20 of those years clinically depressed. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression and hospitalized for 3 months. Something that I’ve only told a few people, it was actually my choice to be hospitalized. I did it because the only way I could see to feel better was to kill myself and I wasn’t ready to die. See, I’ve always been in love with life, I just couldn’t see how to live.

In the hospital, I was medicated and went through individual and group therapy. It helped. It started me on a path, but it was still a long journey. I was still depressed, but I think I hid it better. Or perhaps I just had a couple more tools to make life seem easier. I clung to my friends. I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs. In retrospect, I hid from my depression and ran towards what seemed like the quick easy fix of sex, drugs and alcohol.

But nothing ever really helped. I was still suicidal. I thought about killing myself. I thought about killing myself at least once a week, usually more often, until I reached my early 30’s. I never told anyone. I knew that under certain circumstances that you could be, at least temporarily, committed to a psych ward against your will if it was determined that you were suicidal enough. I had decided that if I were to kill myself, that it would be on my terms. No one was going to take away my choice to end my own life. So I kept quiet. I didn’t tell my friends, the people I dated, the woman I eventually married, nor any of the therapists that I saw over the years. It was mine alone to deal with.

And I did deal with it. I quit drugs and drinking, which in retrospect probably made it worse for a while. When it did get better it was because of a shit ton of intensive self work. I became more real to myself, I began to accept myself for who I was. I think that was a big part of my depression, I didn’t like who I was very much and always thought I “should” be different, more, better. I’ll admit, it didn’t help that I married someone who reinforced those beliefs on a daily basis.

So after a ton of self work, I dove more deeply into meditation and yoga. I began to feel even better about myself, I learned more on how to truly accept yourself for who you are, and I began to love myself.

Don’t get me wrong, the depression is still there, but it’s much better. I’ve learned how to manage it, I notice what triggers it and, more importantly, I know how to get out of it. I no longer run from my depression. Sometimes people ask how I’m doing and I’ll tell them I’m feeling a little blue. Inevitable they ask, “Why?” When I tell them there’s no real reason, they don’t seem to believe it, but it’s true. It’s also true I know it will pass, it’s just an emotion. Some days it will just pass, and some days it means it’s time to care for myself. Maybe see some friends, maybe see no one for a while. It could mean I need to get outside and play, or head inside for a yoga class. What it amounts to is that I need to do things that are good for my soul, that’s what ultimately brings me out of my depression. And that’s great, because that’s what life is really about.