Author: Mark V

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Angst – 500 Words a Day – Day 24

Wow, the days are rolling by and almost to day 30, so crazy. It’s seemed like  a long 24 days so far, but there is less than a week to go. Yay! And from what I read earlier, there may be another experiment on the horizon. All good. I like to be challenged in life, and I appreciate those who, respectfully, challenge me to become better. I say respectfully because if someone straight out challenges me and is a dick about it, then I’m most likely to ignore them, tell them to go to hell, think they’re stupid, take your pick really. I just don’t get along with those kind of people. That said, I’m feeling angsty today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe Mercury is in retrograde, maybe it’s just my turn. Just in general I don’t know. Which is weird, because I’m usually  fairly in tune with my feelings. I do feel like I need some alone time. Some time to chill and recharge. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how much of an introvert I really am. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, and once I did, I didn’t value it. Today, I can say that I tend towards the introverted side and I accept that. What’s more, I kinda like it. I think there is something to be said about embracing who you are. It’s quite freeing. For instance, the more I’ve accepted my introversion, the more I’ve felt free to act in ways that aren’t so introverted. It’s been a good ride. Over the past few weeks…ok months…I’ve been reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s been a really good read. It helped me understand more about myself, but also about introverts and our society. In general introverts have been devalued and that’s something that I’ve felt all my life, from school, to work, to my failed marriage.

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It’s kinda weird to see how much that has been part of my life and how I didn’t notice. For a long time I just thought I was quieter than many other people. At least in groups of people I didn’t know that well. When I get with people I do know and that I’m comfortable with, well, then I don’t stop talking. Oh well. How many words now???? 401. Wait. Is this not counting numbers? 407. Crap it doesn’t seem to be. Grrrr. I guess that’s good to know…

Anyhoo, just taking up space now, so feel free to stop reading. You’ll only miss the great revelation at the end. But that’s up to you…

I’ve got my son for the weekend. That’s aways cool. I remember the last weekend I had him, I felt so guilty to take the time out and write, and he was wondering how long I’d be. It was actually pretty tough to just get done. Now, I told him I had some writing to do and he was like, “OK.” End of story. It was pretty cool to experience. Maybe we’ve both grown…

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Who Knows? – 500 Words a Day – Day 23

It always seems to be 9:30 by the time I get around to do this. I guess that’s better than it was when I started and I was posting closer to midnight. When was that, again? Last week? lol Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can. I always seem to see someone post theirs about now, when I’m chilling, about ready for bed. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired today, but here I am anyway. I guess it’s good, but sheesh, it’s can be hard when you don’ want to. That’s not really true do, some part of me does want to to do this. I know that’s true because I’m doing it. The proof is in the pudding as they say. So I want to do it, why don’t I just accept it and do it with a glad heart? Instead of bitching and complaining about it. Ok, not really botching and complaining, but I’m not doing this with a glad/happy heart either. Just being honest. Is it enough that I’m doing it? That I’m getting stuff down  and putting it out there? Am I being too hard on myself, feeling that I should just magically start to feel like doing this, when I apparently didn’t before? That last part is interesting. I guess that I did feel that after a few days that I’d just naturally want to start doing it. That it would be great and cathartic and I’d be happily typing away. Well, I don’t. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. Which is what I know I wanted to teach myself. That is something I’m learning. To not to feel like doing something, and doing it in anyway because I recognize it’s important to me in the grand scheme of things. Will this hold true when the 30 days is up? I don’t know. I also had this romantic view that at the end of 30 days I’d be so in love with blogging that I’d continue it for another 30 days, and another. Right now, in this moment, fuck that. While I do reserve the right to change my mind, at the moment I don’t want to continue after the 30 days are up. I do want to continue to blog, don’t get me wrong, just not daily. I’d much rather blog weekly, take time to do research , and put out better content. Not that my rants aren’t awesome, cause they are lol. But ranting isn’t really why I started this blog in the first place. I will say that when I did star this blog I feared that I’d get 1-2 posts out and never look at it again. I feel like I’ve done that with stuff in the past, and I didn’t feel like that would happen. I’ve changed a lot from who I used to be, so I had more confidence in myself, but old fears do raise their heads form time to time. That being said, I’m stoked to have written as much as I have, and it’s gotten easier to share it with y’all. I’m not going to say what I’ve learned so far during this experiment, mostly because it’s not over, but also because I really don’t know. Some days it seems like a lot, and other days it seems like nada. Like today. Who knows??

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Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

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Irony – 500 Words a Day – Day 21

Isn’t this over yet? I really don’t feel like writing, but here I am. I’d rather be reading and chilling. Not productive, but it’s true. I like to read a good book and do nothing, it’s refreshing to me. Hmmm…

I started to log my food intake today. That something I haven’t done in a long time. In a way I thought I was past that, but I guess not. I also started working out again today. I’m mean, I do a fair amount of acro yoga, which is awesome, but it’s not the same. And it doesn’t feel like it’s an all around workout and that’s something that I want to do. I’ve been missing that. Sooo, I went to a place called Brooklyn Boulders today. It’s a climbing gym. Honestly, when I go I mostly do acro, but they have some decent workout/lifting stuff there, too.

Skipping right along, an ironic thing happened to me today. This morning I was listening to a podcast and they talked about acceptance. But not a kind of acceptance I’ve ever really heard about before. It’s pretty radical, to me at least. They quoted Nietzsche and told a story about Thomas Edison, but the moral to the story was acceptance. It’s not to simply accept things that happen, but to truly embrace them, to actually love everything that happens to you. That’s hard to fathom for me. I’ve gotten past the idea raging against what happens in life, for it can be pretty random, not all of it is “good” and I only feel worse after when I rage about something I can’t really change anyways 

So I feel pretty good about accepting things. I do know it can be said, “Why would you simply accept things? Why wouldn’t you go out and change them?” I had a snotty voice in my head as I wrote that, feel free to use one, too. My answer to those questions is it’s not about that. It’s about accepting the things you can’t change. But that’s another story. 

Here was my life lesson today. Last week I got an email from Brooklyn Boulders. I had filled out a survey a month or two ago and as a result won a month long free membership. Right now free is good for my pocketbook. Do they even have those anymore? Meh, off topic… Anyways, since I had this shiny new free membership, and I’ve been wanting to work out more, I went there today after work. I’ve never been there during the day, and while there is plenty of free parking in the area at night, with the business around, it was all used up during the day. So I paid to park. Screw it. It was only a three bucks and the membership was free, right? 

I get done with my work out and head out to my car. I’m about to start the engine and I look at the windshield and see a ticket. What the actual fuck? I had paid for parking! I was pissed because there must have been a mistake. I was there for an hour and paid for an hour and a half and get a ticket? Nuh-uh. I look at the ticket. I look at my parking slip. Sure enough. I only paid for an hour. Since I was on the phone when I was paying for the parking I screwed up. So much for being mindful. But wait, I was only there for an hour, right? And I paid for an hour. Oh wait. My parking expired at 2:48 pm. What did the ticket read? 2:50 pm. What time was it now? 2:52 pm.

I can see being happy about winning the month long membership. But being happy for having gotten a $60 parking ticket? That’s a harder thing to try and be happy about. I had really liked what that podcast talked about this morning, but I really didn’t want to have to try and put it into practice so soon. Ugh! 

Well, my free membership has now cost me $60. Oh well. I guess I get to write about it. Another interesting thought is that I recently read about an experiment which showed that the future can effect the past. Think about that one for a minute.   

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First Kiss – 500 Words a Day – Day 20

Do you remember your first kiss? I do. I won’t lie and say I remember it like it was yesterday, but I do remember it pretty clearly. Her name was Jenny Kramer and I think I was 12 years old, maybe 13. She was an older woman at 15 years old. I think about that now and it seems somewhat odd, but I was tall for my age, so maybe that had something to do with it. I had already ‘asked her out,’ but we hadn’t kissed yet. It was all pretty much new to me and I had no idea what to do. She asked me to sneak out of my house at night to meet up with her, and I readily agreed. 

It was late, sometime after midnight. I crept through the subdivision, from backyard to backyard, doing my best to stay in the shadows. Of course, I was good at that because I had watch a movie about a ninja and had already been practicing my ninja skills. I arrived at her house after having successfully dodged all the car traffic, guard dogs and other ninjas who were out at night. It was a close thing though, after all she lived a block away. 

As I look up to her second floor window, I have a new task at hand. How to wake her up, or if she is awake, how to let her know I’m here without waking up the rest of the house. The old tried and true method of throwing a rock seemed the way to go. But how to do that? I mean in the movies they just pick one up and throw it. First I had to find a God damned rock. Then what size? I need one that is big enough to make noise, but not so big that I’d break the window. And then how hard do I throw the thing. I pick up a pebble and throw it. Of course, I missed, so I had to find another one. Second one hit, but I could barely hear it, and judging by the way she fails to come to the window, neither did she. Third attempt. I’m kinda frustrated, so I just wing the fucker. It hits. No broken glass, but the neighbors dog is now barking. I’m think I’m found out, but no adults come to scold me and send me on my way. Instead, Jenny comes to the window and indicates she’ll be right down. 

She suggests going to a nearby park to hang out for a bit. Sounds good to me. She holds my hand and we walk a few blocks to a nearby park. On the sidewalk. Where anyone can see us. Apparently, she either hasn’t practiced or hasn’t heard of ninja skills. Either way, we make it unmolested. 

We talk for a little bit when we reach the park. Right at the edge of the park they are making a new subdivision. What’s more, they are making a small lake. The lake had been dug out the previous fall and the small stream that feeds into it was filling it up. As I recall there wasn’t a lot of grass on the small hill leading to the lake. But that’s where it happened, my first kiss. Standing on a small hill over looking a lake, while the moon’s light shone down on us. It sounds so romantic, and it was. There is always something magical about holding someone close, feeling the heat of their body against yours, gazing into their eyes, leaning in close to one another and anticipating the moment your lips touch. 

But your first kiss? It’s so fucking awkward. At least for me, someone who was extremely self conscious, it was. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved it, and I’m so grateful Jenny was willing to kiss me. Sometimes I feel that if she hadn’t been that I’d still be waiting to have my first kiss. I was that shy back then. Even as it was, I was anxious, my mouth was dry, and what the fuck are you supposed to do with your tongue? It’s such a fine line between too much and not enough, or at least I found out there was a line. 

In the end, first kisses can be scary, but also amazing. In a way, I guess they’re an indication of new beginnings, of promises and  possibilities. Relationships don’t always last, but every one that I’ve been in I’ve learned something new about myself, and I will always treasure those moments. 

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Tired – 500 words a Day – Day 19

Some of you may have noticed that day 18 is not in here. Rest assured, while I didn’t post it on the blog, the writing does exist. Which brings me to today, day 19. I feel a strange tired today. I did an acro yoga workshop this weekend, which means I did 6 hours a day of intense physical exercise on both Saturday and Sunday. And doing things that can be pretty scary. I do have to say that I feel fortunate to have taken this workshop with the people I did, everyone is great, skilled, loving and caring. Acro is an activity that will push your comfort zone, and there is always something new to learn, the next level. That’s true for yoga, too, but acro can just be scary. What we learned this weekend is something they call “pops.” If you’re interested, you can see some of what we did here. I tried pops a few months into doing acro and I was so freaked out I just said “no” I’m not going to do that right now. Imagine supporting someone in the air, then throwing them up and trying to catch them. Without hurting them, preferably. Or permanently injuring them. Or killing them. Honestly, it just seemed to be beyond me. Then, one day a few months ago, I said to myself, “I think I can do that.” So I tried a few. Then a few more. Then I decided I was going to dedicate an entire weekend to learning something that had previously terrified me. So here I am, tired, but good. It really is an interesting tired. My body is tired, and a little beat up, but my mind is also tired and I think that’s true for two reasons. 1) because I’ve spent so much time this weekend learning new stuff. And not just learning it intellectually, but learning to move my body in new and interesting ways. When you do that, it’s really some cool shit. And 2) well, I forget what two was, but it was really awesome and you’re kinda missing out. Sorry. 

So, learning new stuff, mentally and physically drained. All in all it’s been an awesome weekend. And now it’s coming to a close. Sort of. Right now I don’t work on Mondays. I’d love to be able to do so. Wait, that’s a lie. I don’t want to have to work on Mondays, or Friday’s for that matter. So when I say I would love to work on Mondays, what I really mean is that I’d love to be in private practice and do that on my Mondays. That my short term goal. Getting fully licensed, starting my own practice and controlling my own schedule is the long term goal. I’ll get there, it will just take some time. 

But back to acro. I had a great uncle that lived to be 103 years old. At his 100th birthday party he was asked how he did it. His response was that he did his exercises daily. To me, someone who wants to live to be 130 years old, that really food for thought. To keep my body moving, to keep on learning new things. These are the things that many people attribute to longevity. On the one hand, it seems a little weird to me that I’m approaching my mid-40’s and I’m starting to learn acrobatics. On the other hand, why the fuck not? I love it and, in the end, I know it will keep me young. 

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Gloga – 500 Words a Day – Day 17

I’m a fan of yoga. I’ve done a lot of it over the years and I really find a lot of benefits, being in a room full of women in yoga pants being one of them. I’ll admit it. So tonight I went to my first gloga class, that is yoga under black lights and you’re supposed to wear white and glo in the dark paint, or at least that’s what they did tonight. Plant of me going there was that a yoga teacher by the name of Laura Sykora was in town and taught the class. I’ve followed her on Instagram for years and just wanted to meet her, learn a little and get her on my feet for a minute, which means I wanted to do acro with her. I got to do all those things. It was cool. For once my introversion didn’t get on the way of me doing wheat I wanted, ie getting a pic with her and doing some acro. Kind of a trip when I think about it. My introversion, or at least my misunderstanding of it, has really kept me from doing things that I’ve wNted to do in life. When I think about it, I’m happy and grateful that it’s gotten less and less prevalent in my life. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but I have been thinking about this a lot. I think it’s because I’m finally coming to accept that part of me. Even more so, I’ve began to honor it. Soooo, I’m an introvert, it works for me and I’m proud of it. 

I know this isn’t 500 words, but I’m using my iPad program again and I don’t really care. Also, all I have to say. 

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11:59 – 500 Words a Day – Day 16

11:29 PM. I have exactly 31 minutes to write 500 words and I really have no idea what to write. My puppy is staring at me from the floor with his half, chewed up rope wanting to play tug-o-war. I ignore him, I need to write. I need to come up with something. But what? The puppy has realized I’m ignoring him and upped the ante, the rope is now in my lap. I give in and throw the rope for him. He bounds after the rope and up onto my bed. At full speed. The comforter gets shoved back and I wonder if he’s ripped my sheets. Again.

No time to worry. It’s 11:32 now and I still have no idea what to write. I guess I could just post after midnight, but then technically it’s tomorrow and it won’t be 500 words a day. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I can split hairs at times. Besides, I already did that once. Shhhh….

So how did I get here, again? I was out at a friend’s place doing acroyoga. I know her place becomes a time suck. I always intend to leave at 10, but usually don’t get out until 11. Or 12. Ok, sometimes 1 am. This time it was better and I left at 10:45 because I knew I had to write 500 words tonight and post before midnight. 11:39.

The puppy is back. I try to ignore him again. Ok, not totally true. I picked up my phone to take a pic because 1) he’s cute 2) I can document it and use it for the blog post. Now I just have to think of how to get the damn thing off my phone and onto my computer so I can post it. Hope it turns out. I’m rushing a bit here if you hadn’t noticed. 11:41.

I usually take a good hour to get these things done. Between writing, editing, not like I do a whole lot of that, and finding a cool pic that I took because I don’t like using other people’s pics for some reason, it takes a while to get a post done. God, is that the most run on sentence I’ve written since 5th grade? I think so.

357 words down and 11:43. The puppy is now so close to me I can feel his hot breath moving the hairs on my leg. His rope is no where in sight, though, so I’m not really sure what he wants. Oh, he just went and got it, so now I know. All is right in the world.

Back to acro, because I have no idea what to write about. It’s a form of yoga I was introduced to a while ago, but didn’t start doing until a year ago. I was a little freaked out when I first saw it, but now I love it. It’s the only exercise I get. Not that it should be the only exercise, I seem to have become a little lazy, but that will change soon. I tend to go in ebb and flows, as I have written about, and I can feel the itch coming back to exercise. Maybe it’s the Chicago summer. Good chance of that. Then again, maybe I need to 30 days of exercise program. Who’s with me? 30 mins of exercise daily? Some form of cardio and body weight bearing exercise? Holy shit, 555 words and it’s 11:48. Where did that come from? Time to edit & post…

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Commitment – 500 Words a Day – Day 15

Commitment. What does that word actually mean? It’s kinda weird to think about, but it’s late, I’m tired, I know I need to get a good night’s sleep in order to get up in the morning and have a great day at work. Which is also going to be a draining day. But here I am, slaving away at the computer writing this tripe. So I guess you could say I’m committed.

I remember thinking about commitment a long time ago. I was in an unhappy marriage, but I stayed because I was committed. I thought, what other things are people committed to? The first two things that came to mind? Prison and mental hospitals. Guess that’s where I was at that time. Oh well.

By the way, I really was tempted to just write “f” 500 times again. I still might finish with that. Just saying’. And apparently I really like to say “just saying.'”

I was telling a friend earlier today that I have no idea how to date. I always seem to get it backwards. I meet someone I like, we talk, hook-up and eventually get around to going on a date. It’s not that we don’t get to to know each other along the way, but the technical “date” usually doesn’t happen for a few months. And, except for a brief stint into the online dating world, I’ve only asked one woman out on a date with the intention of getting to know her better.

Back to not knowing how to date. It’s weird, I know how to work on a relationship, crap, I’m a couples therapist, but the dating thing perplexes me. I remember thinking that I just wasn’t going to date anyone, that I’d just meet people and see if they wanted to hang out. I have this idea that’s the best way to do it. I don’t know. I do know that if I had to meet someone by going up to a complete stranger and asking them out on a date, then I’d be single for the rest of my life. That’s too much pressure for me. I’d just stand in front of the woman and be able to force about three words out before she called the cops to get the creepy guy away from her.

So I here I sit writing, about commitment, because I feel committed to write. I guess that works. I know when I write, I often try and do take aways, what have I learned. I haven’t done that a lot since I started the 500 words a day thing, but that’s ok. I do feel like the writing is getting easier, the commitment is getting stronger.

I started to listen to podcasts in the morning. My drive to work is fuck long and I finally got sick of my music. And I won’t listen to the drivel on the radio. So podcasts it is. I’ve listened to some really great ones in the past few days and I find it’s a good way to start my day. I suppose the next step would be to get up a little earlier to write in the morning so I’m not doing it at fucking midnight…

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Poetry – 500 Words a Day – Day 14

I wrote these a little over a year ago. Then I kept on changing and refining them, trying to get the words just right. I don’t know if that will ever happen, or if they will always be a work in progress. As I was driving home from dinner with my son tonight, I saw the moon rising in the distance, in all her luminous beauty and I was reminded of them. I’ve often thought about putting them out for the world to see, but the timing never seemed right. I did turn one into a spoken word at an open mic one night. It was easy because there was no one there who knew me. Well, not easy, but easier. Here you go.

Sunrise

It was just normal day. I never expected her to walk into that studio, into my life.

We were thrown together right away, so we had to interact, to talk.

Otherwise I could never have approached her, I’m too shy, too introverted.

I would continue to bump into her from time-to-time, never consistently.

During one of these chance encounters I looked at her from across the room, and saw her looking at me.

She smiled.

Her smile lit up the room. It was like watching the sunrise.

No. It was like watching every sunrise I’ve ever had the privilege to see, all at once.

All the pinks, oranges and yellows pushing back the darkness and playing among the clouds.

Her smile shown on me, and it made my world a little brighter.

I told a friend about her, and was encouraged to ask her out.

My response was to laugh and say, “No, you don’t date the sun, you just admire it from afar.”

This woman is not for me. I know this.

Truthfully, her beauty, her life, her light, scare me a bit.

You see, I’ve been burned in the past. It makes me want to turn my face away from her light, away from love.

And yet I have hope.

Hope that someday, somehow, we can be together. That I dare reach out towards her beautiful light and, perhaps, one day, even be the reason she smiles.

If that were to happen, my heart would join with the birds and sing every morning.

But until then, I will be content for that next chance encounter.

To see her smile one more time.

And watch the sunrise.

 

Sun & Moon

“Why do you love me?” she asked, in a demure voice.

This was my reply;

“For years I found myself chasing the sun, for the sun shines brightly and warms all who come in contact with her. As she hangs in the sky, her presence can’t be missed.

But you are not the sun, you are the moon. No less beautiful than the sun, but infinitely more graceful. Shrouded in mystery, you could know her for years and still not know all her secrets. You have to look for the moon, or you may miss her. She has many phases and moods, but she is always steady, always loving. There is a subtleness to the moon. Many are often not aware of her, and yet her simple presence moves the tides.

She is powerful, the moon is, yet unaware of how powerful she can be. Beauty. Grace. Love. Joy. These are the attributes I see in the moon, the attributes I see in you. This is why I love you.”