I did have something I wanted to write, I really did. But then I forgot about posting, got side tracked with stuff and here I am. More bull shit. I had a pretty good day today, a good day with clients. At least I felt that way, not sure how they felt. I do feel blessed when someone, who is essentially a stranger, will tell me their problems. They will let me know what’s going on with them when they don’t feel comfortable enough or safe enough to let their friends and family know. It makes me feel honored. And when one of them tells me they feel safe with me or that I ask them good questions, I feel even more blessed to be doing what I’m doing.
I think it’s funny that I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I was in high school. I know I had such a hard time and really did want to die at one point. I thought that if I could help just one person not have to go through what I did, then it would be worth it. I like to think that’s happened, I don’t really know for sure. There’s a part of me that intellectually knows that I have helped some people in my life, whether clients or friends. But there’s that other part of me that doubts. The part of me that needs reassurance. The part that hopes people will read this and flood my comments section with, “Yes, Mark! You helped me. You made a difference in my life!”
I don’t know what it is about me that needs that reassurance. I’d like to think that I’m OK just being myself and taking subtle cues from others. Like when they thank me for my advice. And I suppose that is enough, but my ego still wants more.
Weird, I just remember what I wanted to write about and that was relationships and the women who have been in my life. Or even about dating, which is so weird when you’re in you’re 40’s. Just sayin’. But I am going to keep all that for another time. Right now I’m just taking up space.
Stream of thought writing, Oooo, shiny….
I guess even though I like to feel I’m strong, I don’t feel that way a lot. I have doubts, I have weaknesses. I used to be so afraid of people, and I still have trouble talking to people I don’t know. But in my past, in my fear, I used to put off a vibe. When I realized what kind of vibe I was putting off, solely because I was afraid, I labeled it. I had my, “Fuck you, leave me alone,” sign. It was an invisible sign, but the effect was the same. People left me alone. They still do, even though it’s not as bad. But, in general, people don’t talk to me. Or at least they don’t start conversations with me. I try to be aware of it, but it was such a part of me for so long I don’t often know I have it up until it’s been there for a while. Every once in a while I’ll be in a great mood and people will randomly talk to me. It kind of startles me when they do, but when I’m in a good mood nothing can really change it.
So here’s another dichotomy in my life. I love people, I love to talk to people and help them with their problems. That’s even my job. But I’m pretty shy and I am not comfortable with someone until I get to know them. So, if you see me and I don’t say “hi,” no offense meant. I just have no idea what to say. Unless I really don’t like you, but that’s pretty rare…