I was having a good day today. For two days in a row, I received compliments from clients and I was feeling good. But then something happened. I got hurt by something someone said. Everything got derailed. It’s weird. I don’t think about myself as being that sensitive. I mean, I know I’m sensitive, especially for a guy, but am I really that sensitive? When it’s the right thing, apparently the answer is, yes.
So here I am. I had things I wanted to write about today, things that weren’t so…personal. But I’m at the end of the day and here I am. I need and want to get this done, so this is what I have. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be around people. And I hate that word, people. Just sounds weird. But I digress.
I got hurt. So what? I usually can see things for what they are, let what people say roll off me. I understand how they have their own hurts, that most people don’t intend to hurt others with what they say, or how they say it. Understanding that I can let it go, not take it personally. But this one got me. Right to the core. I was trying to figure out what it was that bothered me, why it bothered me, why I couldn’t let it go. I figured it out and almost started crying.
I realized that I like to help people (gee, wonder why I’m a therapist). Guess that wasn’t really new, but one of the reasons why was. It was that I like to help because I want to feel needed, that I have a reason to exist. To be of need. I like to do things for people. Is it because I care? Yes. But also it’s apparently for me. When you do something, not to help someone else, but because you want to be needed, it ceases to be about them and it’s really just a selfish act. Feeling like I’m kinda off track here, but the words are flowing and I’m not sure I want to interrupt.
Back to wanting to be needed. I do really like to help. It does make me feel good to help others, does that make it all about me? Maybe, sometimes. To be needed. The core of who I am? Not sure about that, but a part of who I am for sure. Why do I try and help people who don’t want it? Not always, but I do. And what is the difference for those I try to help that don’t want it and those I don’t try to help? The ones that I say can ask for help if they really want it? And, why am I surprised when I try to help someone who doesn’t want help and they get upset with me? Shouldn’t I just accept that? Not necessarily accept them being upset with me, but at least not be surprised and hurt about it.
Back, again, to wanting to be needed. It’s not really needed that I want, but to be accepted. To be loved. I guess on some level I associate doing things for people, being needed by them, with being accepted and loved. And when I try to do things for them, and it’s not wanted, I feel unaccepted and unloved. Which hurts to the core.
I usually try to end these things with what I learned, and I guess I kinda did. But really it’s just hurt that I have right now. That’s OK, I can sit with it. It’s not comfortable, but it’s real. I do know myself more, which I’m thankful for. And I feel searching yourself, learning more about yourself, is part of what life is about. And that’s always good.