Month: June 2015

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Being Creative – 500 Words a Day – Day 30

Here we are, day 30. I commented on someone else’s post, today telling them they ARE a writer. Some how, today, I don’t “feel” like a writer. I’ve written stuff for 30 days, but I don’t feel like I’m a writer. Why is that? It’s weird, because I had a discussion with this young guy about 9 months ago, and I’ve brought it it with several people since then. I actually think I wrote about this already during this past 30 days. Ultimately, the idea is that we are what we think we are, tell ourselves we are, and say what we are. Or aren’t. So even though there are times when I don’t think I’m a writer, I still am. I write, I create. That’s another thing I always told myself, that I’m not creative. Bullshit! At least that’s what I’ve found. The more I have accepted that I am creative, the more creative I’ve found myself being, and wanting to be. How weird lol.

So I create. I write. I take photographs. Maybe someday I’ll get into ceramics again. Funny story, there. In high school I took a ceramics class and I loved it. I loved it so much I took the advanced class the next time it came around, that way I got to use the wheel. As I said, I loved it. Can I say that enough? Funny thing, I still didn’t feel like I was creative. But there was so much I loved about putting the time and effort into creating a ceramic piece, getting the clay, using the wheel, finding the right color glaze, often combining them to make different designs or colors. I think maybe why I never felt like a creative type, even then, was that I never felt I could create something good. I didn’t believe in myself. I’m mean my mom liked what I made, but she’s my mom. She HAS to like what I make, right? Then my teacher liked one pot I made. He told me he wanted me to enter it into the art contest where they would display different types of art and kids would vote on it. I said no way, I wasn’t entering some stupid art contest. I may have told him something to the effect that it wasn’t any good anyway. He told it was and that I should enter it. I said no way again. He said I could either enter the contest or I could fail the class. Um, OK. Guess I’m entering the art contest. I didn’t win. I wasn’t surprised. But I was surprised that I got 4th out of all the other art projects. The cynical part of me wants to say, there must have been only four entries. Realistically, I know there were more than that. How many? I’m not sure. But I know there were more than four. Thinking back, I’m pretty proud of that pot, I mean, it was a cool pot. I wonder if my mom still has it?

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Sick – 500 Words a Day – Day 29

Wow, is it really day 29? Only one more day to go. I wanted to skip today because I’ve been at home sick. On the other hand, I slept all day and find myself somewhat awake, so after spending 20 minutes on FB, I decided that I had to write today. It’s a weird feeling because I really don’t want to be doing this, but it seems more like habit than anything else at this point. Not that it’s a bad thing, just unusual. I really do feel like crap. Time for more EmergenC and zinc. Those are my go to’s when I feel bad. It usually gets me pst any feelings of sick in a day or so but right now, after a day in bed, I feel worse. I don’t get sick that often, my feeling is that in general I take care of myself, eating fairly well, with some slips, and working out regularly. I’ve noticed in the past that my depression creeps up when I get sick, or at least the feelings of sadness can creep up. I don’t feel that this time, but it’s happened enough in the past that I’ve wondered if some of my “sicknesses” have had a spiritual aspect to them. When I say that I mean if I’m depressed, am I more prone to being sick? Or do I simply not have the will to fight through being sick? I don’t really know about that, just thoughts that have crossed my mind. And I’ve noticed the pattern in others, too. Friends who seem to struggle with depression and isolating seem to get sick more frequently than those who don’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to be around me and tell me they are sick to get out of hanging out? Could be lol.

I do know that today I’m sick. And I can tell because I really wanted to do some acro at the beach tonight, followed by listening in on the Mumford and Sons concert at Montrose Beach. Instead, I’m laying in bed, sometimes freezing, sometimes sweating and typing this out. I’m definitely sick. And thirsty. I’ll be right back…

OK, one problem solved. But now I have not one, but two 65+ lb dogs on my bed vying for attention. It’s hard enough to type when one dog keeps dropping a rope in your lap to throw for them, but it’s almost impossible when another one has their head in your lap, too. I happen to love dogs, and it’s rare that Sarah, the other dog, comes up to visit. 417 words.

I’ve considered doing the prompt that was suggested back on day 13 or something. It was what would someone see if they looked through your window for 24 hours, but I’m still not sure. My rebel side says hell no, but it would be kind of fun, too. One more day to chime in, so I guess we’ll see if I’m up to it tomorrow. Hoping I won’t be sick, but right now laying in bed and sleeping sounds great. And I want to get over this sick thing ASAP, it’s my birthday Saturday 🙂

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Mish Mash – 500 Words a Day – Day 28

I’ve been looking for a supervisor so I can start in private practice for the past few months. It’s felt kinda slow going but I know that’s mainly me. I feel with all that’s going on in my life that I’ll have to forgive myself for it taking a little while longer than I’d like. I know it’s OK, and to not forgive myself will only lead to shaming myself, which I do not need. I also believe that things work out in their own time. We set things up and move in the direction we want, but if something is going to happen, then waiting for it to be right is better than jumping in and trying to force it.

Crap, I seem to be getting cold or virus or something. I literally haven’t finished a sentence without sneezing. Ugh. And I’m taking this side track to just jump around in my writing. I kinda felt I’d gone as far as I’d wanted to with that last bit and I’m not really feeling very philosophical at the moment.

Only two posts to go after this one. Seems weird. When you do something new, the first 30 days are always the hardest, and that 30 days seems to take forever. Then, if you keep up with it, it just gets easier. That’s not to say that I’m going to keep this up. I really have no idea if that’s true or not, we’ll just have to see how things play out.

God, why is it that every time I check how many words I’ve written it’s always 240-ish? It seems like it’d be so much more but never is. Then I keep on writing, hit my stride and blast past 500.

I bought a couple lottery tickets today. I keep on thinking to myself that I never win anything, and I rarely do. Then there are other people out there who think, “I always win stuff.” And they do. So I decided to change how I think. I’m going to start to think, say act, believe that I am lucky and that I do win things. We’ll see how that goes, cause soon I’m going to win the damn lottery, pay off all my debt and have a nice sum left over to buy a timber loft here in Chicago. There, it’s been said and will soon be published.

So, if I am sick tomorrow, the question is do I go into work? I want to say “yes” but that’s really hard to answer. One reason is that I do work with a lot of other people. Another is that a part of my job is to sit and talk to people. I wouldn’t want either group to come in and get me sick, and I don’t like the idea of being the person who gets them sick either. Already used the Zicam, love that stuff, and guess I’ll see how I am in the morning. Right now would just love a day to sit inside, rest and recover. So, I think I’ll either get better after sleeping or worse. Let’s go with better, positive thinking, right?

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Self Acceptance – 500 Words a Day – Day 27

Confession, I have a poor body image. For most of my life I’ve hated one thing or another about my body, seemingly always wishing something was different. When I was a kid in junior high, I always thought I was too tall. I sprouted early and was 5’11” in 7th grade. At the time, all I wanted to do was blend in and not be noticed. I can probably blame some of that on my introvertedness, but it was still there. By the time I was in high school, I felt I was too skinny and that my arms were too thin. In some ways I was ok with that, but it did bother me. When I went to college I started drinking more and put on the freshman 15 and sophomore 30. At that point, I started to feel like I was over weight. I began to work out and restricted my food intake. I went from a fairly healthy 180 lbs to 165 lbs, sometimes working out for 3 hours a day. A quick note on the weight, I’m also just shy of 6’2″. And even as I’m writing this, I don’t think any of the weights matter, what really matters is how I felt about it. Throughout my life I’ve battled with things I don’t like about myself, mainly weight, but I was also self conscious about other things. Can you be self conscious about being self conscious? I think so lol. For a time I had a mentor in my life and he had me stand naked in front of the mirror and just look at myself. It was a weird experience. I noticed now much I tended to focus on the extra weight around my stomach, and how much I hated it. I focused so much on it that I never really noticed other things about myself, until that day. As I stood there in front of the mirror I noticed something that amazed me. My eyes are hazel. Or more distinctly, my eyes are both green and brown. Depending on the day and my surroundings one or the other is more obvious. I was in my mid-30’s and had never noticed that before. My drivers license even said brown. When I got it at 16 the woman asked my the color of my eyes and I told her brown. She started to say they were more of a… I cut her off and told her to put brown. Apparently I was enough of a dick that she didn’t argue and just put brown. So there I am, 30 something, standing naked in front of the mirror and I realize my eyes are hazel. That was a pretty amazing moment. Today, I really like my eye color. I’ve heard it can change as you get older, but I hope it doesn’t.

I’d like to say as I looked in the mirror that day that I accepted everything about myself that I previously hated, but that wouldn’t be true. I still work on accepting things. The current thing I’m working on is my hair. I’ve always hated it, in case you haven’t caught on to the theme. It seemed too curly, and would never do anything I wanted it to. Many women have told me they would love to have my hair, but I’m a guy, and I think it just looks bad when it’s longer than finger length. And that’s how long it’s been for close to 20 years. Until now. Right now my hair is the longest it’s been since I was in college. And I’m growing it longer. I hope it looks OK, but in the end it really doesn’t matter. The idea is to accept it and just go with the flow. I think the confidence to accept it, and rock it, will make all the difference in whether it looks good or not. At least that’s the theory.

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Little Moments – 500 Words a Day – Day 26

My son tagged me in the nuts with a boomerang today. Now that I have your attention, I really have nothing else to say. Well, that’s not really true. I’ve been thinking about how much our life is made up of these little moments. We do remember the big things, like graduation, marriage, deaths, births and all that other crap. But really, what is life made of? It’s the small moments in between that are the bulk of our lives, and those are the ones that really matter. At least in my mind. Will my son remember if I’m at his kindergarten graduation? Maybe, maybe not. High school graduation? Much more likely. But is that as important as today, the day he tagged my in the nuts? In a way “yes” and in a way “no.” He may not remember today, since it will blend in with all the rest of the days and, quite frankly, it wasn’t caught on camera. I mean, if it had been, Americas Funniest Videos here we come. But it wasn’t, and I still feel like it was a great day. Funny isn’t it? In Jr High or High School I definitely would not have considered a day that I was tagged in the nuts as being one of the best days. But as an adult, with a son, it was good. I’ll also let you know that it wasn’t that bad of a tag, just good enough to get a laugh. You know what I mean, at least you guys do. I’m not sure if that’s something that a woman can really understand. I sometimes have trouble thinking about the time I get to spend with my son. I calculated it once and realized I get about 15% of time with my son, which means that when I am with him, it’s precious time spent. I’ve already turned down jobs that I could take because they wanted me to work on Sundays, meaning I’d get to spend less time with him. I’m not OK with that. Not too sure where this is going, but I do know that I treasure all the time I get with my son. Sometimes I feel more connected, sometimes less. Sometimes we do more stuff outside,  and sometimes we just hang around inside playing video games. In the end I know it’s really about spending time with him, and not just bull shit time. Back to little moments. How do you carve out little moments to spend with the people you love? Life can move by so fast that it can be hard to do so. Or you can mix up doing things together with actually spending quality time together. I remember a long time ago how a therapist pointed out that going to the gym with my significant other wasn’t necessarily spending quality time. In this case it was really more about checking stuff off our to do list. That’s not quality time and doesn’t add to the relationship. Then again, it’s really about the intent behind it. That’s what it boils down to. What is your intent in life?

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Life Today – 500 Words a Day – Day 25

Hmmm, what to write today? I kinda feel like I’ve already opened with that line, but oh well. Had a good day with my son today, got a few minutes of acro in. All in all a good day. Oh, and saw a pretty cool thundershower roll by. I absolutely love thunderstorms, I’m not sure why. Maybe because I grew up in the midwest. Maybe because I just find them to be a beautiful display of mother nature. I do know that for the 11 years I spent in Sand Diego, thunderstorms were one of the things I missed the most. I mean San Diego does get rain, if not a lot, but they don’t get a lot of thunderstorms. I think I heard thunder about once a year while I was out there and I can only think of twice where the thunder was right over head. Also, last week I was sitting out on a rooftop in downtown Chicago and watched another storm roll in. You could watch the lightning getting closer and closer, as the rain slowly started to fall. It was definitely cool to kick back, drink a beer and just watch mother nature do her thing. I think I connected with nature in a totally different way when I lived in San Diego. There are so many things that I miss about it, but there are also so many things about Chicago that I missed when I lived out there. It feels like I have two homes, and maybe it always will. I know there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want a home, that would like to roam from place to place, see the world, to be free. Admittedly, in the past I’d have to say a big part of that desire came from escapism, but now…not so much. Now, I just think of the experiences to be had, the people to meet, the places to see. And some solitude as I move in between places. Is that still escapism? I don’t think so. And looking at it right now, maybe it wasn’t so much back then either. Maybe it was just what my soul cried out for and since I didn’t honor that part, I judged it for something that it wasn’t. I remember going to a Grateful Dead show one year, and I loved it. I already loved the music and the shows, but something really struck me that year. The way the Dead heads appeared to be like family to one another. The freedom it seemed like they had. The love and peace that I felt. I decided then that I wanted to follow them, that’s what I wanted to do with my life. For a few reasons, that never materialized, it just wasn’t my path. I think it’s very fitting that they are playing again this year, in a year where I feel like I’ve begun to get some of that peace and connection to nature back, some of what I felt all those years ago. Now, in no way do I want to follow them again, even if I could. There are too many other things I want to do in life that are important to me, not to mention my son. But it is food for thought.

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Angst – 500 Words a Day – Day 24

Wow, the days are rolling by and almost to day 30, so crazy. It’s seemed like  a long 24 days so far, but there is less than a week to go. Yay! And from what I read earlier, there may be another experiment on the horizon. All good. I like to be challenged in life, and I appreciate those who, respectfully, challenge me to become better. I say respectfully because if someone straight out challenges me and is a dick about it, then I’m most likely to ignore them, tell them to go to hell, think they’re stupid, take your pick really. I just don’t get along with those kind of people. That said, I’m feeling angsty today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe Mercury is in retrograde, maybe it’s just my turn. Just in general I don’t know. Which is weird, because I’m usually  fairly in tune with my feelings. I do feel like I need some alone time. Some time to chill and recharge. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how much of an introvert I really am. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, and once I did, I didn’t value it. Today, I can say that I tend towards the introverted side and I accept that. What’s more, I kinda like it. I think there is something to be said about embracing who you are. It’s quite freeing. For instance, the more I’ve accepted my introversion, the more I’ve felt free to act in ways that aren’t so introverted. It’s been a good ride. Over the past few weeks…ok months…I’ve been reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It’s been a really good read. It helped me understand more about myself, but also about introverts and our society. In general introverts have been devalued and that’s something that I’ve felt all my life, from school, to work, to my failed marriage.

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It’s kinda weird to see how much that has been part of my life and how I didn’t notice. For a long time I just thought I was quieter than many other people. At least in groups of people I didn’t know that well. When I get with people I do know and that I’m comfortable with, well, then I don’t stop talking. Oh well. How many words now???? 401. Wait. Is this not counting numbers? 407. Crap it doesn’t seem to be. Grrrr. I guess that’s good to know…

Anyhoo, just taking up space now, so feel free to stop reading. You’ll only miss the great revelation at the end. But that’s up to you…

I’ve got my son for the weekend. That’s aways cool. I remember the last weekend I had him, I felt so guilty to take the time out and write, and he was wondering how long I’d be. It was actually pretty tough to just get done. Now, I told him I had some writing to do and he was like, “OK.” End of story. It was pretty cool to experience. Maybe we’ve both grown…

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Who Knows? – 500 Words a Day – Day 23

It always seems to be 9:30 by the time I get around to do this. I guess that’s better than it was when I started and I was posting closer to midnight. When was that, again? Last week? lol Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can. I always seem to see someone post theirs about now, when I’m chilling, about ready for bed. I don’t want to be doing this right now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired today, but here I am anyway. I guess it’s good, but sheesh, it’s can be hard when you don’ want to. That’s not really true do, some part of me does want to to do this. I know that’s true because I’m doing it. The proof is in the pudding as they say. So I want to do it, why don’t I just accept it and do it with a glad heart? Instead of bitching and complaining about it. Ok, not really botching and complaining, but I’m not doing this with a glad/happy heart either. Just being honest. Is it enough that I’m doing it? That I’m getting stuff down  and putting it out there? Am I being too hard on myself, feeling that I should just magically start to feel like doing this, when I apparently didn’t before? That last part is interesting. I guess that I did feel that after a few days that I’d just naturally want to start doing it. That it would be great and cathartic and I’d be happily typing away. Well, I don’t. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. Which is what I know I wanted to teach myself. That is something I’m learning. To not to feel like doing something, and doing it in anyway because I recognize it’s important to me in the grand scheme of things. Will this hold true when the 30 days is up? I don’t know. I also had this romantic view that at the end of 30 days I’d be so in love with blogging that I’d continue it for another 30 days, and another. Right now, in this moment, fuck that. While I do reserve the right to change my mind, at the moment I don’t want to continue after the 30 days are up. I do want to continue to blog, don’t get me wrong, just not daily. I’d much rather blog weekly, take time to do research , and put out better content. Not that my rants aren’t awesome, cause they are lol. But ranting isn’t really why I started this blog in the first place. I will say that when I did star this blog I feared that I’d get 1-2 posts out and never look at it again. I feel like I’ve done that with stuff in the past, and I didn’t feel like that would happen. I’ve changed a lot from who I used to be, so I had more confidence in myself, but old fears do raise their heads form time to time. That being said, I’m stoked to have written as much as I have, and it’s gotten easier to share it with y’all. I’m not going to say what I’ve learned so far during this experiment, mostly because it’s not over, but also because I really don’t know. Some days it seems like a lot, and other days it seems like nada. Like today. Who knows??

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Any Real Comments? – 500 Words a Day – Day 22

Here we go, another day, another 500 words. Or so…  I remember when I started this blog, I got a few comments and was so in awe that anyone would take the time to read it let alone comment on it. I still get comments from real people, but the comments are mostly on FB, not on this blog. And that’s totally cool, but it’s really made me think. I just went through and deleted 25 comments I received in the past day. I deleted them because they were all spam. One the one hand, wow, I’m getting spammed lol. That didn’t happen before so I must be getting a step up. On the other hand, it’s all bullshit and I have to take time out of my life to go through them and decide whether they’re bull shit or not. Yep, all of them. At least last night they were. It’s really gotten me to thinking about other stuff. I post stuff to Instagram and FB and I always want to see what people have said about it. Did someone “Like” my post? Did they comment? Did they even see it? For some reason it’s been important to me. I guess I really want to be loved, to know that people like what I post and that they care about it. But here’s what I’m thinking now, why do I need that affirmation? I know I like what I post, at least most of it. OK, the whole “f” post was totally bunk and some others were crap, too. But I realized that people with tons of followers, whether in life or Instagram or whatever, they don’t constantly check to see if someone “Liked” what they put out. They simply created something and  put it out there for all to see. Either it was good or it was crap, but they went for it and probably didn’t look back. At least too much. And the people with 20,000 followers? No way do they have time in their life to read all the messages that they get from other people. It’s just not possible. And really, what a waste if they did. People like what they are doing, so they should do more of it, not take the time to see what others thought about what they did. Most people love them, some people hate them or think their idiots, but what they are really doing is going out and living their lives. They inspire others by living their lives. What a concept. Live a healthy, positive lifestyle and people respond. Well, if you share it, are beautiful, live in a beautiful area…oops, my cynic just showed up. I guess beauty is in what you see. And hopefully, if you can focus on what you love, to really look for the beauty in your life, and then share it, then that will be inspirational to someone. To you, if no one else. You will be inspired to go out and do more, to live life, to love your family and friends. That’s where inspiration starts.

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Irony – 500 Words a Day – Day 21

Isn’t this over yet? I really don’t feel like writing, but here I am. I’d rather be reading and chilling. Not productive, but it’s true. I like to read a good book and do nothing, it’s refreshing to me. Hmmm…

I started to log my food intake today. That something I haven’t done in a long time. In a way I thought I was past that, but I guess not. I also started working out again today. I’m mean, I do a fair amount of acro yoga, which is awesome, but it’s not the same. And it doesn’t feel like it’s an all around workout and that’s something that I want to do. I’ve been missing that. Sooo, I went to a place called Brooklyn Boulders today. It’s a climbing gym. Honestly, when I go I mostly do acro, but they have some decent workout/lifting stuff there, too.

Skipping right along, an ironic thing happened to me today. This morning I was listening to a podcast and they talked about acceptance. But not a kind of acceptance I’ve ever really heard about before. It’s pretty radical, to me at least. They quoted Nietzsche and told a story about Thomas Edison, but the moral to the story was acceptance. It’s not to simply accept things that happen, but to truly embrace them, to actually love everything that happens to you. That’s hard to fathom for me. I’ve gotten past the idea raging against what happens in life, for it can be pretty random, not all of it is “good” and I only feel worse after when I rage about something I can’t really change anyways 

So I feel pretty good about accepting things. I do know it can be said, “Why would you simply accept things? Why wouldn’t you go out and change them?” I had a snotty voice in my head as I wrote that, feel free to use one, too. My answer to those questions is it’s not about that. It’s about accepting the things you can’t change. But that’s another story. 

Here was my life lesson today. Last week I got an email from Brooklyn Boulders. I had filled out a survey a month or two ago and as a result won a month long free membership. Right now free is good for my pocketbook. Do they even have those anymore? Meh, off topic… Anyways, since I had this shiny new free membership, and I’ve been wanting to work out more, I went there today after work. I’ve never been there during the day, and while there is plenty of free parking in the area at night, with the business around, it was all used up during the day. So I paid to park. Screw it. It was only a three bucks and the membership was free, right? 

I get done with my work out and head out to my car. I’m about to start the engine and I look at the windshield and see a ticket. What the actual fuck? I had paid for parking! I was pissed because there must have been a mistake. I was there for an hour and paid for an hour and a half and get a ticket? Nuh-uh. I look at the ticket. I look at my parking slip. Sure enough. I only paid for an hour. Since I was on the phone when I was paying for the parking I screwed up. So much for being mindful. But wait, I was only there for an hour, right? And I paid for an hour. Oh wait. My parking expired at 2:48 pm. What did the ticket read? 2:50 pm. What time was it now? 2:52 pm.

I can see being happy about winning the month long membership. But being happy for having gotten a $60 parking ticket? That’s a harder thing to try and be happy about. I had really liked what that podcast talked about this morning, but I really didn’t want to have to try and put it into practice so soon. Ugh! 

Well, my free membership has now cost me $60. Oh well. I guess I get to write about it. Another interesting thought is that I recently read about an experiment which showed that the future can effect the past. Think about that one for a minute.