Month: May 2015

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500 words – Day 2 – Questions and More Questions

I was having a good day today. For two days in a row, I received compliments from clients and I was feeling good. But then something happened. I got hurt by something someone said. Everything got derailed. It’s weird. I don’t think about myself as being that sensitive. I mean, I know I’m sensitive, especially for a guy, but am I really that sensitive? When it’s the right thing, apparently the answer is, yes.

So here I am. I had things I wanted to write about today, things that weren’t so…personal. But I’m at the end of the day and here I am. I need and want to get this done, so this is what I have. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be around people. And I hate that word, people. Just sounds weird. But I digress.

I got hurt. So what? I usually can see things for what they are, let what people say roll off me. I understand how they have their own hurts, that most people don’t intend to hurt others with what they say, or how they say it. Understanding that I can let it go, not take it personally. But this one got me. Right to the core.  I was trying to figure out what it was that bothered me, why it bothered me, why I couldn’t let it go. I figured it out and almost started crying.

I realized that I like to help people (gee, wonder why I’m a therapist). Guess that wasn’t really new, but one of the reasons why was. It was that I like to help because I want to feel needed, that I have a reason to exist. To be of need. I like to do things for people. Is it because I care? Yes. But also it’s apparently for me. When you do something, not to help someone else, but because you want to be needed, it ceases to be about them and it’s really just a selfish act. Feeling like I’m kinda off track here, but the words are flowing and I’m not sure I want to interrupt.

Back to wanting to be needed. I do really like to help. It does make me feel good to help others, does that make it all about me? Maybe, sometimes. To be needed. The core of who I am? Not sure about that, but a part of who I am for sure. Why do I try and help people who don’t want it? Not always, but I do. And what is the difference for those I try to help that don’t want it and those I don’t try to help? The ones that I say can ask for help if they really want it? And, why am I surprised when I try to help someone who doesn’t want help and they get upset with me? Shouldn’t I just accept that? Not necessarily accept them being upset with me, but at least not be surprised and hurt about it.

Back, again, to wanting to be needed. It’s not really needed that I want, but to be accepted. To be loved. I guess on some level I associate doing things for people, being needed by them, with being accepted and loved. And when I try to do things for them, and it’s not wanted, I feel unaccepted and unloved. Which hurts to the core.

I usually try to end these things with what I learned, and I guess I kinda did. But really it’s just hurt that I have right now. That’s OK, I can sit with it. It’s not comfortable, but it’s real. I do know myself more, which I’m thankful for. And I feel searching yourself, learning more about yourself, is part of what life is about. And that’s always good.

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Back at it

Sooo… Two days ago a friend asked me how often I blog. My initial response, which I didn’t actually say was, “not often enough.” I didn’t say it because it felt like a put down on myself and I try not to do that anymore. What I did say was that I tend to blog in spurts, i.e. when the mood suits me. This has been characteristic of my life, I often do what I want, when I want. On the one hand, I kind of like living that way. On the other, my rebellious side kicks in and things I “should” do, or actually need to do, often get pushed aside until I get around to them. The quote (and I have no idea who said it), “do the things you need to do when you need to do them, so you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them,” often comes to mind. That’s something I do believe and it’s time to make that change in my life.

Then, yesterday another friend posted on his blog, Kale & Cigarettes, about an experiment he has done and is planning to do again. Writing 500 words a day and then posting it for everyone to see, and doing it for 30 days.

I’m doing this for several reasons. I see how this guy lives life what he’s done in life, and I think it’s pretty cool. While I have my own life to live, I do understand that there are certain practices we can incorporate into our daily lives that can make them better, closer to what we want. Daily blogging isn’t something I ever set out to do, but I used to journal daily and the changes I went through back then were pretty amazing.

I’m also doing this because, as I said earlier, I often only do things when I want, not when I need to do them. I recognize that my rebelliousness has served me in life, it’s a part of me that will probably always be there and one that I’ve come to recognize and enjoy. However, I’ll admit it gets in the way. When I want to do something and I know it’s good for me, but I don’t because of sheer stubbornness, it’s a problem. In a spoken word, Henry Rollins once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Ruled by a plant, what  joke.” He was referring to drugs and alcohol but I think it applies to emotions and personality, as well. We all have them, it’s what makes us individuals, but we aren’t meant to be ruled by them.

I’m also hoping to become a better writer by doing this experiment. I’ve had many topics I’ve wanted to write about, but the “mood” just hasn’t hit me. One that I’ve tried to get out many times is living with depression, to try and explain what it’s like. I usually get about two paragraphs in and quit, it’s just too depressing, lol.

I guess I’m just looking to be a better person, a better man. I often fail miserably, but by making little steps in the right direction I hope I will eventually get there. So here is a little step that I hope will get me where I want to go. And in a salute to my rebelliousness, maybe I’ll only do 29 days. Or 60 days, who knows…