Month: November 2014

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Adjust me…Please – A Letter to Yoga Teachers

Over the past 10+ years, I’ve taken a lot of yoga classes from many different teachers, and I’ve noticed teachers have different styles of adjustments.

Some won’t adjust you at all and just cue verbally, while others get a little too handsy. Some have firm, direct adjustments, while others give a light touch to the area they see needs to be corrected. I also know there are reasons both for and against physical adjustments; but, as the title suggests, I am in favor of being adjusted.

Here’s why:

In general, we live in a touch deprived world. This is especially true during a time when face-to-face communication is decreasing and more interaction is virtual. I’m not knocking virtual communication, I think it’s great and use it all the time. But I do think it can diminish physical interaction, which in turn effects us. Aside from this, I also have some personal reasons for wanting to be adjusted in yoga, which I’ll share because I don’t think I’m the only one.

Without going into detail, let’s just say that I carry some “emotional wounds” from my childhood and adolescence. These wounds have created within me a dichotomy where a part of me craves human contact. I love to be touched. I love to hug, get (and give) shoulder rubs and just in general be close to people. It’s one of the ways I feel loved and cared about. And I do want to take a moment to be clear, I’m not talking about sexual touch.

The dichotomy exists in the fact that I am also terrified of being touched. There was a time in my life where the last thing I wanted was for someone to touch me. It didn’t really matter who it was. Whenever I would meet someone who was overly touchy, my first thought was always, “What do you want from me?” This was usually followed by, “Leave me the fuck alone and quit fucking touching me.” This from someone who craves human touch. Like I said, I’ve got wounds.

These wounds of mine have gotten better over time. I’ve done a lot of work with a therapist, but I also realized that yoga was helping me. Specifically the adjustments. I found that receiving a non-sexual touch from someone who wants nothing more than to help me is very freeing. For me, it was the acceptance of that touch, which I didn’t always do.

There was a time that teachers would adjust me and I would scream in my head, “Get your fucking hands off me!” The memory of where I was mentally at that time actually brings tears to my eyes right now. But it’s a good thing. It’s good because I can recognize where I was then and where I’m at now.

Ask Permission to Touch Your Students

And that brings me to a point I want to make to you teachers. Ask permission to touch your students! I can’t emphasize that enough. I can almost guarantee that you have at least one student that doesn’t like to be touched. For that matter, personally introduce yourself to any students you don’t know. In my opinion it’s the right thing to do. It sets the tone of the instructor/student relationship and helps new students feel welcome and more at ease. This helps create a safe space for the student. You can then take that opportunity to ask if they are willing to be adjusted. Make adjustments an offer. Something they can refuse if they are not comfortable, for whatever reason.

Be Aware

Also be aware of what types of adjustments you give and to whom. Some adjustments can put your hands in pretty intimate places (you know which ones I’m talking about), and some can just feel more intimate than others. I remember the first time a teacher adjusted my Down Dog by laying on me, her front to my back. It was the first time I’d taken her class and I’d never had this done to me before. I’d never even seen it before. Now, I think it was a great adjustment. Both for the pose and at that point, I’d done enough healing that I wasn’t going to complain when an attractive woman pressed herself against me. So I’ll admit it, I enjoyed it. But it did throw me off mentally. And after it ended I spent the next few minutes of class looking around thinking, “What the hell was that? Is she adjusting other people like that? She adjusted that guy differently, what does it mean?”

In the end, save the more intimate adjustments for the students that you have known longer. Even then, communicate with them to make sure they are OK with what you are going to do.

I also ask that you try not to forget your students that are more advanced and have been around. I know I’ve been doing yoga for a while, that I’m good at listening to cues and self-adjusting; but, I’m not perfect. And, oh boy, can I be lazy.

I realized about a year ago that my hands are a little too far apart during Down Dog. Quite frankly, I was just too stubborn to change it myself. It seemed like too much work (did I mention I can be lazy?). And until recently, not one teacher that I’ve had has noticed, or if they did they never pointed it out. The fact is, I know I need someone to guide me at times, to notice when I’m not doing my best. Like a simple touch on my knee to remind me to keep that micro bend. This brings my awareness to an area that needs correction, helps me grow and makes me a better yogi.

I believe yoga has a great many healing benefits. Over time, I realized the gentle touch I received during yoga was one of the things that kept me coming back time after time. Allowing myself to receive a caring touch, from someone who clearly wanted nothing more from me, helped me along in the healing of my emotional wounds. As stated earlier, I know there are arguments for and against physical adjustments. But I believe that as long as you know how to safely adjust someone, explain what you are doing and why, and be respectful of the individual boundaries of your students, that your students will enjoy and benefit from being adjusted. And should you see me in class, feel free to adjust me.

– See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/adjust-please-letter-yoga-teachers/#sthash.Il266opl.dpuf

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Revel Life – 10 Steps to…What?

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of things about how to live your life in three easy steps and, to be honest, I’m getting sick of it. There’s no denying that at one time I thought lists were the greatest. All sorts of wisdom in one spot. Then I, too, could be rich if I followed these 10 easy steps. Or find my passion in five steps. Or find myself. Or get over someone.

This stuff is starting to bother me. Not because I intrinsically think they’re wrong, there’s some really good stuff there. But it bothers me because I feel they set people up to fail, or feel bad about themselves, if they don’t succeed in following the steps. Also, I don’t think life can be classified into easy steps. Life isn’t easy, and it isn’t neat. It’s messy, passionate…and beautiful.

First off, I’ve tried to follow steps before…three steps, five steps, 12 steps. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve searched for answers my entire life. I feel I’ve come close to so many things. I guess I’m a bit of a seeker that way. I’d try hard, so hard. And then, wait…what was step eight, again? Fuck. Gotta start over.

I suppose it’s not people’s fault for making lists. Many of us like to contain things, to classify them and put them in order. It gives us a sense of control and peace. But it’s an illusion. We don’t control anything, except ourselves, and many of us are so hindered by past hurts that we have trouble doing that. We react to life and flail wildly about trying to get things back under control again, back into order.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my life. As I write this, I’m going through a divorce, my son is 2000 miles away from me and has been for over two years since my ex and I separated. During those two years I worked full-time, finished my masters degree, met someone, fell in love, and then broke up because, well, some things can’t be overcome.

So, there is a lot of sadness in my life right now. And a lot of stress. So what are the five steps to fix it? What’s the easy, straight forward fix? I don’t think there is one, and that’s ok. Like I said, life is messy.

What keeps me going, what keeps me from killing myself, is beauty in the world, the love of my friends, yoga, meditation and some therapy. Almost sounds like

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Let It Go

I’ve been watching Disney’s Frozen a lot lately. Since I have a 5 year old, and it’s one of his favorite movies, it’s pretty much guaranteed that I’m going to see it again and again. And again. Don’t get me wrong, I love it as well, I’m just making the point that I’ve seen it enough times to really start thinking about it. And the therapist in me starts to process what’s going on…

The part that really started me thinking is a favorite scene of both my son and I. And I’m guessing, a favorite scene of many other people. The scene I’m referring to is where Elsa has just revealed her powers to everyone and retreated to the top of the mountain to be alone. It’s a huge turning point in the character’s life and I think the reason people like it so much is that most of us have either felt like that, or wished we could feel like that at one point or another in our lives.

Up to this point in her life Elsa has had a power in her that she feared. Understandably so, since she hurt her sister with it when they were kids. But this was compounded when her parents also began to fear her power, of what they saw inside her. How many of us have something inside that we feel we need to hide? How many of us fear our own capabilities? For good and bad? What is it inside of you that you are afraid to show others?

I think that Elsa’s parents really messed things up for her when she was young. They told her to “conceal, don’t feel,” and Elsa’s power was tied to her emotions. What her parents did was a fear reaction, a reaction that many parents, myself included, often take when dealing with their kids. I see it happen all the time, especially parents of little boys. You hear parents say to them, “Stop crying, this is nothing to be upset about,” or “Grow up, be a man.” There are a hundred different ways that parents teach their kids to fear or disregard their capabilities and emotions, but the general message is, “conceal, don’t feel.” What kids learn from this is to ignore what they feel or who they are inside. Unfortunately, these feelings don’t go away.

The reality is that whatever the child is feeling inside is important to them, even if the parents don’t understand or aren’t capable of helping their kids deal with it. Pushing feelings down or ignoring them creates a situation where the child never learns how to deal with their feelings. And if they don’t learn how to deal with them in a healthy way, these feelings will overflow and will likely come out in unhealthy ways. Maybe an uncontrollable temper. Or depression. Cutting. Sex addiction. Drug and alcohol abuse. You name it. If a child doesn’t learn how to deal with their feelings when they are young, if they don’t learn to accept themselves as they are, they most likely will be ruled by them later in life.

This isn’t really anyone’s fault. Too few people are taught this, and I truly believe that most parents raise their kids in the best way they know how. But the lack of education can have terrible results. Look at Elsa. Since she never learned how to deal with her powers when she was younger, as she grew up and her powers grew stronger, she couldn’t control them at all. She ended up plunging her kingdom into eternal winter and almost killed her sister. Again.

Her powers came out into the open and she retreated to the mountain. There, after years of hiding the power that was growing inside of her, she could finally be herself. In a way she was lucky that her power was exposed that way. For those of us who have a tendency to hide what’s inside, it’s a choice whether or not to reveal ourselves. Like Elsa, we are afraid that we’ll be rejected by those closest to us. That we won’t be accepted, or loved, for who we really are. Perhaps that we will forever be alone because of it.

Here’s the kicker. Unless we are willing to reveal those deepest secrets to someone, we will be alone. People can’t accept us as we are unless we’re willing to take the risk and reveal ourselves. That, my friends, is what intimacy really is. To know someone and be known. You have to be willing to take the risk. Just make sure it’s with someone who is safe. Not being allowed to feel our feelings when we are kids, not being allowed to learn how to accept ourselves as we are, is a form of victimization. To reveal yourself to someone who isn’t a safe person, someone that doesn’t treat you and your feelings with love and respect, is to open yourself to another victimization. But I can guarantee that there are people out there who want to get to know who you are. All of you. You just need to find them and take the leap, slowly. Conundrum, huh?

Something that Elsa didn’t see at first is that we can’t do this alone. She retreated to the mountain top to be free, and in a way she was. She was finally able to fully express herself, to be who she was meant to be. And Elsa loved it! This is something so many of us yearn to do. God, having the space to fully express who you know you are, without worrying about what other people think or will say. That’s an incredible feeling and there is freedom in that. But what happened to Elsa is that she traded the prison created for her by her parents, of “conceal, don’t feel,” for one of her own making. One where she was alone, at the top of her mountain, guarded by her giant snowman.

Even though she was “free,” she was still ruled by fear. She hid in her own way instead of the one decided for her by her parents. But don’t many of us do this with our feelings, with who we are? We retreat from others, we hide and we have our defenses that we won’t let people through. We pick and choose who we will let in to talk to us. It is important to be choosy, but look at why you do it. Many times it’s simply out of fear, fear of not being accepted for who and what we are. See, even though Elsa was “free,” she still didn’t believe that anyone would love her for who she was, and she feared the power within her. I’ve retreated in my own life. Sometimes mentally or emotionally. Sometimes physically, as Elsa did.

For most of us, this doesn’t work. First, it’s hard to be a hermit in today’s society. We have jobs and families that require our attention. Most of us need to interact with other people, in one way or another, in order to survive. Retreating just isn’t a possibility. Second, there’s a difference between being alone and isolating yourself. Elsa isolated herself. It was a way of dealing with her power, but it was fear driven. In contrast, when someone choses to be alone it can be a time of healing and growth. As someone who tends to be more introverted, I have come to realize that I need to make time to be alone. It’s simple self care and I am better able to be fully with others when I make time to do this.

Another reason is that I believe there are many things in life that are harder to learn if we are not in a relationship with someone, whether that’s family, friendship or a romantic relationship. For instance, it’s hard know what a healthy response is when someone you love is upset with you. It can be to control your feelings when you are confronted with that situation, especially for the first time. Look at Elsa again. What sparked everything off was what happened at the coronation party. Her sister was upset, demanded a response from Elsa and she couldn’t deal with it. It wasn’t until she was forced back to society that she found out her sister still loved her, and loved her enough to sacrifice herself for Elsa. An act of true love. All this despite Elsa’s fear of rejection. This acceptance by others helps Elsa to finally, fully, accept herself. This happened quickly for Elsa. For most of us, like myself, this process of self acceptance takes a lot longer.

Now a little about me and a way that I’m currently working on accepting myself for who I am, and that is in dating. I’m fairly introverted, and I’m also a little shy (these are different). Growing up I didn’t appreciate either of these qualities. I thought that I’d be so much better off if I were extroverted, if I were more bold. All that’s changing, slowly, as I begin to accept and appreciate myself for the person I am. So why do I mention dating?  Because right now when I do date, I have my own version of a mountain top with a guardian snowman, online dating (I’ll write more on that in another blog). But online dating is a way that I use to hide. It allows me to overcome the initial shyness and to ask someone out. And here’s an irony for you. Right now I’m sitting in a Starbucks writing this blog. I just looked up at the line and noticed that an attractive woman was checking me out. What do I do? I quickly look away. LOL. Oh well. Maybe next time.

So, for now, I’ll keep my guardian in place and date online. And I’ll work on accepting myself and who I am in this area, and simply be willing to come out of self imposed isolation. Translation, be aware the next time I’d like to ask someone out and decide whether or not I’m comfortable enough to do it. Starting off the answer will probably be “no”. But, as I become more aware of where I’m at and quit warring with myself for not being someone/something I’m not, then it becomes increasingly likely that the answer will be “yes”. Through this I can find my own way of asking someone out that works for me, a way that honors the man I am. In this way I “let go” of some of the baggage I carry in my life.

I will say that I have actually asked out one woman face-to-face. Yup, one lol. I found her to be beautiful and fascinating, and I wanted to know more. I was scared as hell, but I asked if she wanted to grab a beer sometime. Expecting a “no” I almost didn’t wait to hear her answer. As I moved towards the door, I was shocked when she said “yes.” So shocked that I pretty much just said, “Great, we’ll do that. Enjoy your night,” and walked out the door. To this day she’s really the only woman I’ve asked out face-to-face. That was about a year ago. Baby steps.

And so the question to you is, what messages do you carry from your childhood that no longer serve you? Is it something emotional? Or perhaps some part of your personality that you don’t like? Is there a part of what makes you “you” that you’re afraid to share? Sometimes you just need to take a breath and…let it go.

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Why I do Yoga

I feel like this topic has been done and re-done by so many people, but I still feel like I should write this. That I need to write it. A part of it is because I’m just starting this blog and a good portion will probably be about yoga, so I want people to know why. But I also think that some of this I just need to get out. So hear goes.

To be honest, one of the main reasons I do yoga is because I’m “good” at it. I’m fairly strong, and for a guy my size, I’m pretty flexible. A lot of yoga is about increasing strength and flexibility, so overall it’s fairly easy for me. But there’s more too it than that. If I already have the strength and flexibility, then why practice yoga? It’s to challenge myself, to see where I can go. You see, there’s always a next step in yoga. The first time a teacher encouraged me to go to a more advanced posture (lift one leg up while in a backbend) my response was, “Do what?!” The thought of being able to do it seemed so absurd that I fell to the floor laughing. It seemed that impossible. But it stuck in my head and few weeks later I tried it. And I did it. I was so excited and I got a little more hooked on yoga. Now when a teacher asks me to do something that is new and seems impossible, my first response is still, “Do what?!” but now that only lasts for a couple seconds. Then I think, “Can I do this?” A big part of yoga is self assessment. So sometimes I decide it’s a little beyond me, but other times I try it. I’ll tell ya, when you’re able to do something that you previously thought was impossible, it’s an amazing feeling.

Another reason I do yoga is that it’s good for my mind. I simply feel better mentally when I do it. There are times when there is so much going on in my head that my mind feels like a hamster running around inside a ball. In a pinball machine. It gets a little crazy in there. But yoga helps. To me yoga is like meditation in motion. It’s simply being present and staying as focused as possible for the duration of the class. One of the best thing a yoga teacher ever told me was, “For the next 90 minutes turn off your mind. As you go through the poses, listen to my cues and do what I say. My mind, your body.” That statement gave me the freedom to let go of what I was thinking about, to relax and simply be present for the duration of the class. And I kept that calmness with me as I left the yoga studio.

A third aspect is about spirituality. When I first started doing yoga it was strictly about getting in a good workout, and that was enough. Then, after hanging out in a yoga studio, learning more about yoga and making friends with other yogi’s, I realized I was getting another benefit, which was I felt better in my spirit. What I found is that being surrounded by like minded people (those who are trying to improve themselves and the world around them), really helps keep me inspired to do the same. It helps me take eyes off of myself and look more at the world around me. To me, that is what’s good for my soul and therefore, spiritual. Now, I also consider myself to be a Christian. While that’s not necessarily popular, that’s what I believe. And as I learned more about yoga, I found that many of the same principles are taught in both yoga and Christianity. In general, I simply try to stick with loving myself, loving others and hopefully making the world a better place to live in, for everyone. Then I try and leave the rest at the door.

In the end, yoga gives me peace of mind, and that peace of mind helps me deal with what’s going on in my life. Sometimes it’s from the rush of doing something new that I previously thought impossible. Other times it’s about doing something old but making that one small tweak and doing it better. Then there are times when it’s simply about doing something. To give myself a reason to get out the door, do something healthy for myself and be around positive people. For someone who tends to be introverted and deals with depression on a near daily basis, I often NEED a reason to get out the door.

There really are a ton of other benefits to yoga, but these are the main ones for me. They are the reasons that help get me out the door and back to the yoga studio time after time. And if I have to do yoga in a room full of fit, attractive women, I guess I’ll just have to suffer through…